i'm baaack.

i guess going on vacation is going on vacation from life. we all need that sometimes, right? but alas, i'm back now. to reality. with a broken motor to the window in my car. the darn thing broke in south georgia on my way home from florida yesterday. $300 to fix the thing. yikes! but lets not focus on the negative.

the trip was better than i had imagined. we tried new things, went new places, and experienced a few firsts for luke. i made a few hole-in-one's while playing putt putt and still lost. incredible. i never said sports was my forte anyway!

my beautiful friend kristina entered marriage yesterday. she looked gorgeous and i can't think of anyone more deserving of such a thing. it did prompt an emotion i wasn't expecting though.

i will never have a wedding. i don't mind the marriage part of it. i like a little officiality in my life. however, the act of spending lots of money to profess my love for someone in front of people and being the center of attention is not something that sounds appealing. i hate being the center of attention. i'm not a good hostess so the idea of "mingling" with guests to make sure you show your face and appreciation is something that is hive-inducing. i can understand why women love this idea. honestly, i'd love to dress up fancy shamancy and be with the one i love however, the money.. the attention. it just isn't something i think i'm capable of doing!

don't get me wrong. i want to be in love with someone. i want to find that someone i can't wait to see again and the thought of being apart makes me hurt. i like the idea of marriage and the paper and the binding. i hope one day i'm able to experience that. i hope i'm able to supply my son with someone who will be there daily. a man that loves him. a relationship i can model out of love that he can learn from.

maybe one day i'll be so lucky. wouldn't it be amazing to that reciprocated? ah! i can only dream.

beach update. wednesday

no post yesterday- what! it was another relaxed here at the beach. the rain started mid day yesterday but we made the best of it. we haven't actually done any activities yet so i suppose today we'll go on a snorkeling trip at shell island. super excited!!

the person who has been keeping company via text makes me smile.

beach update; tuesday

i have something to look forward to back home. well, he googled this site (!!). yes, you. so that is exciting. as for here, we are having another relaxed day. we're staying inside tonight rather than going out to eat and soon, we're going to watch a movie we rented. we visited the pier today and ate at five guys. i thought i'd be so nervous on that pier so far out, but overall i did well. the ocean has been full of seaweed to the point that it isn't really a good idea to go out in it. i pulled out so many clumps of green goo in my bathing suit. so gross! it is the slimy kind- yuck. but hey, it isn't warner robins!  i'm looking like a lobster today. i'd post a picture but my phone isn't happy with being 22 flights in the air. thanks verizon.

i'm feeling a lot better today. i ended up deleting mostly everything from the past and i'm ok with that. pushing forward.

never.

he said this is forever. finally. so that was it. there was never finite answer. just a "we'll see" about the status of our future. but now that i know, that's it for me. i'm hurting. even in such a beautiful place surrounded by my family. there is still a literal ache. i can't help but feel something is wrong with me. what did i do? but i guess it still goes with the territory. i can't believe i'm so torn up about a relationship that didn't even last a year.

on the flip side, beautiful weather. good food. ice cream.

SUNSET.

we made it!  the weather is beautiful and i couldn't ask for more.

we ate quesadillas tonight and the company is awesome.

missing someone but i can't control something i can't change.

haircuts. chores. boring.

today was pretty busy. tying up the loose ends before heading out for 7 days is stressful. i'm not complaining. i can't wait to leave! 

we started our day getting hair cuts from M.. yay! (thanks M. love you) then we headed to get an oil change. from there, we were picked up by my mom and started food shopping for our trip. i went to this new store in town called ALDI. i bought some hummus on the cheap (again, thanks M  for the recommendation) as well as other junk food for our 6 hour drive.

i'm praying luke does well. i've currently packed a dvd player with plenty of dvds, a portable drawing board, and.. something else? but i can't remember.

right now i'm staying at my granny's while my uncle is on a date. (haha) when i get home, the packing MUST begin. slightly anxious about it. 

anyway, i have to say that today was a little harder than most on the big c front. seriously? i should be over it. but i'm not! i guess i started thinking of past times with him and how gentlemanly he was. paid for my gas, even. who does that?? but this trip was planned around his vacation week so really, he should be going. of course he isn't so it leaves a slight void. i think once i see the ocean and smell the salt, i will be fine.  sometimes.. i am just overwhelmed for how much i care(d). and i know that if we were together, he'd clean my car for me :) (miss you boo)

beach trip 2010. (pic heavy)

 last year, we spent the fourth of july in florida. specifically okaloosa island.

we had a blast! luke learned to swim and overcame his fear of the ocean!

 i ended up getting so burnt but it later turned into a tan!

 kiddo had a buzzed head.

but we love the ocean. i can't wait. this time tomorrow i'll be in the sand back in florida. 

nothing makes me happier!

purging.

well, i did it. i purged. not the i'm-bulimic-and-i'm-making-myself-throw-up type of purge. no no. i did something so much harder: i cleaned out my car. we are taking my car to florida so it was time. it was past time. yes, a slushie luke drank a few weeks ago and spilled.. and didn't tell me about.. had congealed inside the cup holder. what used to be a red, cherry slushie was now an odd shade of green. hmm. maybe i shouldn't trust my 4-year-old to tell on himself? lesson learned.

i have put off purging because that would require throwing away some of the things from the relationship with big c. i had to do it though. it was time. baby steps. 

i threw away the map of the zoo from our trip. i threw away the envelopes with "m" on them for his last name that contained the shirts from our walk for abby. i didn't throw away the shirts, of course. i love abby too much. they're getting washed. 

i had to sift through the pictures, curtains, a cork board, and various other  things i collected for our move in july. obviously that isn't happening but i still like the things i bought so maybe one day they will be put to use. 

i finally cleared out all of the toys little dude took to big c's mom's house for that weekend. see? i didn't even unpack some bags from that era. oh well.

i won't say that i feel relieved. unfortunately, i relived all of the memories again but it is what it is. cleaning out the clutter from someone else. 

maybe one day i won't have to get rid of stuff from a failed relationship. 

maybe the next relationship won't have an end.

beach vacation 2009!

at the beginning of the summer in 2009, we visited the beach! panama city, of course. we had fun and luke (he was almost 2), learned to love the sand. building sand castles with kimmie and his cousin violet were a daily thing. he also enjoyed eating "ice cream" at a local store in pier park. he felt normal because this marked the first time that an ice creamery had sorbet as an option. he ate out of a cone for the first time as well! (he can still wear the swim suits from being one and those pants as well!)

in august, we made an impromptu visit to savannah with sarah. we ended up spending the night and the next day found ourselves on a little road trip to hilton head. (or myrtle beach?) i'll have to ask sarah. the atlantic ocean has nothing on the gulf. the gulf is so much nicer.

t-minus THREE DAYS!!!!!!

BEACH TRIP SOON! (pictures!)

i will be at this same ocean. in the exact same location. on saturday. YES.

these were taken in 2008; the first time luke visited the beach. 

he had just turned one. he hated it. more pictures tomorrow.

CUT TO NEXT SCENE!

sometimes parenting is overwhelming. there isn't a time when you can clap your hands and say "time out!" just a break, sometimes. especially as a single mom. i had a long day at work today. 

we are getting a new computer system this year which requires cleaning up the old program and profiles  (think: patients since 2002). we do this alphabetically  but it requires lots of time and patience. you take your personal time for granted before you have children. personal time is nonexistent with a four year old.

i try not to complain; i have an amazing mom who is pretty much another mother to my little dude. she allows me to sleep in sometimes. she takes care of him when i'm at work and she's off. so really, i have it good. it is like having a father or something? a partner. better than a husband, probably. sometimes i need to yell "cut!" and go to the next scene.

today for instance. i had that rough day at work. i picked my kiddo up from my cousin's house only to find out he has been in a "needy" mood today. ok, fine. i can handle needy. we proceeded to load up into the car where i asked what he'd like to eat for dinner. sushi. we are leaving for florida saturday. sushi isn't take out and i'm trying to save my pennies for fun days on vacation. 

of course, he doesn't understand this concept. he interprets this as me being mean and not doing what he wants. true, i shouldn't have even asked him what he wanted. my mistake. so, he proceeds to cry. i mean- LOUD, sobbing, life-is-ending, crying. are you kidding me? because of sushi?? so, chik-fi-la sounded good to me. he only cries louder. good.grief.someone.give.me.a.break. 

we finally get home. 30 minutes later, of course.  he stops crying and inhales his chicken nuggets.  it didn't stop there. it has been everything since. it is always something. the dogs tripped him. the toy he wants he can't find. he doesn't want to watch my show. mad that i have asked him three times to put his toys away. etc etc.

i know he's tired. hell, i'm tired too. i need patience. and understanding. i feel like i'm burning the candle at both ends (that is how the metaphor goes, right? i don't use them often).  luckily, i'm off tomorrow. oh-but we have six shots to get for pre-school.. yippee!!!!!!!!!

i wish i was a girl who had perfect hair, perfectly manicured nails/toes, and eyes without dark circles under them. the girl that promptly sends out thank you notes for the gifts last week. truthfully, i've never had hair without frizz or a manicure/pedicure in my life. i've tried hemorrhoid cream for those dark circles. it doesn't work!  but really, if i was that kind of girl.. i wouldn't be me. so,  i'll haphazardly proceed with my crazy life with a smile. (sometimes)

so, what do you ladies/gentlemen do to relax? i'm thinking i need a hobby or a friend or something. what do you recommend? 

ps- many nights lately i've found myself being the only one awake in the house watching jackass and laughing loudly. i'm SO sad about ryan dunn. his poor, poor family and friends. prayers to them.

a little this, a little that.

t-minus five days until i get to kick off my flip flops and put my feet in the sand. this trip is much needed. i can't wait to jump some waves and feel the burn of the salt in my eyes. i hope we have some good weather!  i often think i should move near a beach town because i'm happiest in florida. i've briefly looked into houses and apartments in different towns there. maybe once i graduate i'll be able to afford the move.  until then, i'll be landlocked in the good old war town.

i'm halfway through my first two classes at walden university. i feel like i'm actually getting something accomplished. the two a's i currently have help as well!  

this post has very little relevance. i'm just talking. i have a lot to say but i'm still trying to put those thoughts into words.  (of the big c variety. i know i know.)

also, i've been closely watching my stats and visitors. two complaints --

1. i'm averaging around 50-60 visitors a day but no followers.
2. no one leaves comments! comment! i get bored.

those things are trivial but i'm trying to understand what is  going on. i had 1500 people visit this month. i'd like to get to know you guys.

BIRTHDAY WEEK- YEAR IN PICTURES (PIC HEAVY)

'

this is what luke's year as a three year old has consisted of:

 we visited okaloosa island for the first time.

june wishlist.

since i'm going on vacation soon, i've been browsing the stores and the internet for some cute dresses. unfortunately, the stores i've been going to have had nothing i'd be interested in. so here's a run down of things i'm adding to my wishlist.

i love this necklace. plus, it called "the world is your oyster". fitting!

this dress is amazing. there are only three left 

so i don't think i'll be getting it but how cute would that be!? 

and i bet it would feel amazing on the hot beach.

 

i actually bought this one. i can't wait to wear it. 

 

plus. i got new shoes. nothing like retail 

and lastly.

 

it isn't anything to wear but holy crap.

why did it take someone so long to market 

watermelon juice? genius! 

JUNE.

june activities-

1- gracie's first birthday!
4- peachtree city for the grace's birthday party. (pool party!)
5- celebrate caleb's 21st.
6- caleb's actual birthday/ school starts for me! college again. yay!
18- my baby boy will be FOUR!!!!! / day of party including a firework show!!!
26- leave for vacation/ samantha's 20th birthday


so..... yeah. there are things to be happy about!!!
woo hoo!!

plus i have a new hobby which means meeting new people.


i'm going to be alright :)