advice to newly single mamas.

what i have learned in the past 4 years:

- make sure you have wipes in your car and in your purse. .. you just never know. even past the age of diapers, there will be messes and you’re going to kick yourself if you don’t have them.

- use the first fews years to do what you want. do what YOU want to accomplished. this will change when it is your child’s turn to have a life. (ie- soccer games, school commitments, etc.) get everything out of your way before the age of 4. or be like me: online classes. they are fabulous.

- accept support and help! without my mom, aunts, cousin, and select few friends.. i don’t know what i’d do. it really does take a village to raise a child.. especially if you’re a single mom.

- take lots of self portraits with your child! if you don’t, you’ll never have pictures of yourself with your child. don’t think it’s silly; you just don’t have anyone to take them for you! i made it a tradition to take one a week when he was small. now we do them on major outings or special occasions.. like the first day of school.

- if the daddy isn’t involved, don’t sugar-coat it. they will ask. you just have to tell them the truth. this also goes without saying.. never badmouth your ex in front of your child. never.

- find a special place for just the two of you. “your space”. my son and i go to atlanta. it is 1.5 hours away. it is our place to go. only us. he thinks it is so special.

- when you do start dating, do.not. let your child meet every man you date. only the special ones. and only after you are truly certain they will be around for awhile. luke has met one man in 4 years.

- know that if and when you break up with someone, your child is breaking up with them as well. they will hurt right along with you.

- get a dependable car. seriously. you do not want to get stranded due to car problems. chances are, you don’t know how to fix the problem and without a manly man, the cost will be pricey. so bite the bullet. get something that will work and last.

  what about you other people out there? what advice do you have to share?

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

worrying.

when i was pregnant, i remember praying to hit the milestones without a hitch. ya know, the first ultrasound praying there would be a heartbeat. the 20 week ultrasound where you still hoped there would be a heartbeat as well as a healthy baby. 28 weeks.. knowing there was a chance of being viable. 34 weeks knowing your child has a strong chance. 37 weeks.. being full term and getting so excited. praying for 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as good apgar results.

what they fail to mention in the pregnancy books is that the worry doesn't stop at birth. it only multiplies from there. i remember luke having health problems; constant projectile vomit at every meal. countless doctor's appointments. then the diabetic test. the blood draws. the cystic fibrosis test. on pins and needles for results. i remember when we realized he had an eye that was misshapen; the doctor telling us that at least it was reacting to light but only time would tell if it was cosmetic or not. (note- he still has this misshapen eye.. an ophthalmologist should be consulted although kiddo can see)

then he headed to school a few weeks ago. i find myself questioning if he is where he should be mentally. i mean, he's smart. he can beat up to world 5 on mario brothers.. but he can't follow direction. is it affiliated with his eye? is it some form of dyslexia? what is it?

the problem is.. he is SO painfully shy. if he isn't understanding something, he will be the last to tell the teacher. he came home with homework a few days ago; just a test to see where he lies with his IQ. one of the questions said "tell your child to put a book in the middle of the table" i did. he didn't understand where the middle was. then it said "put a book between the couch cushions" .. he sorta understood this. lastly, "tell your child to put the book under a table." he didn't understand that at all. things like "end" or "beginning" have no meaning to him. you can point in an object's direction and he won't understand. in soccer, he didn't understand blocking the ball from going into the net although the other children seemed to get it. maybe i'm being overly worried. i'm' not sure. i just know that i'm concerned.

i've always been the type that would never use ADD/ADHD medication unless it was truly truly truly needed. as in.. a brain test or something measurable. so, i'm not going there. but..


ideas? thoughts?

"the right time"

i've been thinking about something i recently talked about: "right girl, wrong time." because the timing has to be right to fall in love as well as it being the right girl as well. well, let me tell you what i think about that.

if she is the right girl, you make it the right time.

people should stop feeding loads of crap to me. i'm a realist but i tend to think with my heart rather than my head when it comes to people i care about. do people realize how special it is to "meet the right boy/girl" ? how many people are out there that you can genuinely get along with?

so no, there is never a "right" time. you work at it. you make it. there is never a "right" time to have children, usually it is something that just happens. usually if you plan it, you have a difficult time. 

now. i am a planner. i'm a little bit of a  type-a. but i think when it comes to feelings, you should let it occur naturally. 

so. screw "the right timing". MAKE IT THE RIGHT TIMING.

18.

dear 18-year-old self, 

you think you're invincible. maybe you are. you have a boyfriend who really freakin' loves you, you're finally getting straight a's, you've got an awesome car, your parents are together, and you're getting out of high school soon. your mom is your enemy because she totally doesn't understand you so your dad and you are best friends. only, he shows his love by buying you things. that is what matters, right?

just know that life isn't always so easy. your boyfriend who would do anything imaginable for you, you will throw away because you just *need* someone who lives in your town rather than bettering them self at college. you'll jump right into the next relationship with your boss who you try to convince yourself you love although, your heart was left with your high school sweetheart. you'll try to break it off multiple times only to keep taking him back because you feel bad. 

this will end. of course. you'll make out with his roommate because that's the classy thing to do. however, you'll have tons of fun with your partner in crime- special k- and bask in the attention of multiple men who admire you. life is good on the weekends when you party it up with your under age friends. you'll throw up black stuff and not remember much from those nights.. but that's living the good life, right?

you'll finish up two years at a local college and decide you need a bigger life; lets try atlanta! so, just as you are considering your move to a big university in a big town, you reconnect with a friend with a broken heart. long drives at 3am are starting to make it difficult to leave for another town but you try to make yourself think it will work.  you have to heal his broken heart and he'll come around in the process to wanting you more than a friend. or does he? sure, we'll tell our self. 

you move. to atlanta. the city of your dreams. you get on your myspace account and try to make friends. you make one and you guys have some fun. you work at a cool record company and meet famous people on the daily. your heart is still in middle georgia. is it worth it? you move home. 

the relationship is unhealthy. you slightly resent the idea of coming home for a guy. your brother flips his truck and your dad has a heart attack the day you are going to tell him you are pregnant. deferred. you and the relationship ended many times before. but now for good. you're at home, pregnant, and with one friend.

this isn't the life you signed up for. you cry yourself to sleep every night. then you find your dad cheating on your mom. at 8 months pregnant, he moves out. he has a girlfriend from myspace in another state. it makes your relationship with your mom so much closer. it gets ugly. he breaks into your house, steals your brother's truck, and ruins your belongings. he yells at you in the cul-de-sac in front of all of your neighbors. he yells "f- you and your bastard child".. while cleaning out your house. 

meanwhile, you have a great job, a great friend, and a healthy child on the way. you give birth. your dad breaks into the delivery room while you are unconscious. why did you even invite him to the birth after everything? because you have a heart.

the divorce becomes final. he moves halfway across the country. your son adores you. you ward off relationships for four years. you jump into online dating and actually have success with big c. you try your best to give your all. he starts to pull away and you FREAK out. daddy issues. once again. how dare someone push me away? the relationship ends. 

your hours at work have been cut to only work 12-15 hours. you struggle. you join online school to finish a degree.

you gain strength. you take a trip to clear your mind. and again, your son adores you.

sincerely, 

your 27-year-old self

ps dear 18 year old self- you will gain weight. you will weigh over 120 pounds. deal with it. life is too short to count carbs.

this is where i am today.

L'S B-DAY WEEK: BIRTH STORY PART 3.

 

i was put to sleep for an emergency c-section. during the haste, i didn't mind this option. whatever it took to produce a healthy, crying baby. 

the breakup before last. EDITED

BABY DADDY and i dated on and off for around five years ONE, TWO, THREE, FIFTEEN, AH, WHATEVER. HOWEVER MANY YEARS. when i found out i was pregnant, that sealed the deal for him that we would no longer be together. BUT WE WEREN'T TITLED "BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND" AT THE TIME OF CONCEPTION BUT STILL TALKED EVERYDAY OR SAW EACH OTHER EVERYDAY. at the time, i was devastated. i lost my best friend as well as my future son's father. i cried myself to sleep more times than not in those nine months. i wasn't used to sleeping alone at that point nor was i was used to not getting a "goodnight" call from him. everything ended. 

i suppose the saying is true:  a girl becomes a mother when she is pregnant, a man becomes a dad when the baby arrives.. or sometimes later.. or never. sd was scared. he ran from me as fast as he could. at the time, i was angry and hurt that he would do such a thing. now i have a better understanding.

the point is, when we broke up,  i could focus on the bad as well as the good. i can't do that with big c. there was nothing wrong. when i say we never fought, we really didn't. with BABY DADDY, it was such an unhealthy relationship. it began as he was nursing a heartbreak and i was just lonely.  i thought i could make him better. make him better for me. when our ideals, ethics, personalities, and everything else clashed, it was torture for both of us most of the time. we held on for as long as we could but it was just toxic in the end. 

initially, it was hard to comprehend being a single mom. i had so many concerns and questions. after all, i was raised by both parents. their relationship was nothing i wanted to model mine with my son around but hey, there were two warm bodies around most of the time.  in the end, the second luke came out, i had a newfound confidence. nothing else mattered. the world around me became blurry and in that moment, all that i wanted was my son and i to live a happy, healthy life. and truly, so far we have.

anyone else seen the movie the waitress? that scene when she gave birth is exactly how it was for me! thoughts?

money and other problems.. but i love my little dude.

i've come to the realization that my job isn't cutting it anymore. i have stayed with insertcompanyhere for my fantastic schedule and the health benefits can't be beaten. however, with the recession. . the decline of the economy, companynamehere is no longer the same company i signed up for. my hours have slowly dwindled from 40 hours monday thru thursday to 15 at best. some days we come in and are asked to leave at least three hours early due to the decrease in sales. 

i shouldn't complain really. i have a job. i have dental and medical insurance. i get to take a vacation (even if it will be unpaid).  i love the people i work with most of the time. haha. i'm trying to focus on the brighter side these days.. it's just hard when pay day rolls around and you realize you're falling short. 

so.. i have applied to quite a few places. hopefully, i will hear something soon! in other news, i accepted my financial aid reward offer today and made my online classes official. i'm super excited while also super anxious. it will be difficult with school, luke starting school, and working. but alas, that is life. it's all for a better life for my little dude. hopefully one day i will no longer have to decide which bill should i pay this week or living paycheck to paycheck. (ok, i can't even do that). but really? this is my kiddo's birthday month. he deserves the best. i can't deny him that!

i'd do it all again.... this below was the best moment of my life. the first time i held him. he had an instant peace about him. his body was so tight and wound up. he relaxed at my touch and voice. he made me a mama in this moment. i wouldn't trade it for any job, amount of money, .. anything ever.. 

june 18th my little tiny 6lb baby will be FOUR!