on leaving.

the final push to get everything in one city is this coming weekend. the final move. the moment luke and i will live under the same roof everyday, again. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i'm ecstatic. i'm sad.

it will be the first time i'm a "true" single mom. i've always lived with my mom and/or brother while being a mother. it wasn't traditional but i would have never been able to stand on my own two feet today without the support and help. my mom is my lifeline. i'm sad because this means leaving her in an empty house by herself. she isn't the most social person in the world. i'm just scared something will happen and no one will be there to help or discover her for a few days. i'm scared she'll come home and cry inside these blank walls. this is the hardest part for me. sure, handling luke exclusively will have its set of challenges but that doesn't bother me. we've been through thick and thin together. he's also a pretty good little dude. but leaving my mom?  a lump forms in my throat just thinking about it.

it all started to sink in tonight when i looked around my room and noticed nearly everything is packed. WHOA.  i've lived in this house since i was six. that's luke's age. sure, i moved out twice. but home is home. it's all i know. and for the first time, i realized this is going to be harder than i imagined.

the room i'm in now started off 24 years ago as my brother's room. it had striped wallpaper at the bottom with a border around the middle full of vintage airplanes. the walls at the top were blue. he had a race car bed at some point... and i had a WATER BED. (hahaha) i had the back bedroom. i remember moving in and demanding my dad to measure the rooms. i NEEDED the bigger room. turns out, the back room was 1 inch larger. i took it and painted it pink before you could blink. years and years later, i moved into this room after having luke and my brother moved out. i liked the large window that the other room lacked. i painted the trim and walls. i made it my own. and now.. i'm leaving it.

i know this is the natural progression of things. i know that most people have already moved out by my age. i get that. but i love my mom. when my dad walked out, it was she and i picking each other up. me picking up the pieces my dad left her, her picking up the pieces that i needed glued together to be a single mom. my dad left in may 2007. luke was born in june. funny how things work out that way. most people don't have the relationship my mom and i have. i'm so grateful for her. she's my backbone.

how luke feels about sofa shopping.

we're not related.

post getting my first facial. no makeup?

no problems? ..

8 pounds down. YES.

my pretty ma  and little lucy.

bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

18.

dear 18-year-old self, 

you think you're invincible. maybe you are. you have a boyfriend who really freakin' loves you, you're finally getting straight a's, you've got an awesome car, your parents are together, and you're getting out of high school soon. your mom is your enemy because she totally doesn't understand you so your dad and you are best friends. only, he shows his love by buying you things. that is what matters, right?

just know that life isn't always so easy. your boyfriend who would do anything imaginable for you, you will throw away because you just *need* someone who lives in your town rather than bettering them self at college. you'll jump right into the next relationship with your boss who you try to convince yourself you love although, your heart was left with your high school sweetheart. you'll try to break it off multiple times only to keep taking him back because you feel bad. 

this will end. of course. you'll make out with his roommate because that's the classy thing to do. however, you'll have tons of fun with your partner in crime- special k- and bask in the attention of multiple men who admire you. life is good on the weekends when you party it up with your under age friends. you'll throw up black stuff and not remember much from those nights.. but that's living the good life, right?

you'll finish up two years at a local college and decide you need a bigger life; lets try atlanta! so, just as you are considering your move to a big university in a big town, you reconnect with a friend with a broken heart. long drives at 3am are starting to make it difficult to leave for another town but you try to make yourself think it will work.  you have to heal his broken heart and he'll come around in the process to wanting you more than a friend. or does he? sure, we'll tell our self. 

you move. to atlanta. the city of your dreams. you get on your myspace account and try to make friends. you make one and you guys have some fun. you work at a cool record company and meet famous people on the daily. your heart is still in middle georgia. is it worth it? you move home. 

the relationship is unhealthy. you slightly resent the idea of coming home for a guy. your brother flips his truck and your dad has a heart attack the day you are going to tell him you are pregnant. deferred. you and the relationship ended many times before. but now for good. you're at home, pregnant, and with one friend.

this isn't the life you signed up for. you cry yourself to sleep every night. then you find your dad cheating on your mom. at 8 months pregnant, he moves out. he has a girlfriend from myspace in another state. it makes your relationship with your mom so much closer. it gets ugly. he breaks into your house, steals your brother's truck, and ruins your belongings. he yells at you in the cul-de-sac in front of all of your neighbors. he yells "f- you and your bastard child".. while cleaning out your house. 

meanwhile, you have a great job, a great friend, and a healthy child on the way. you give birth. your dad breaks into the delivery room while you are unconscious. why did you even invite him to the birth after everything? because you have a heart.

the divorce becomes final. he moves halfway across the country. your son adores you. you ward off relationships for four years. you jump into online dating and actually have success with big c. you try your best to give your all. he starts to pull away and you FREAK out. daddy issues. once again. how dare someone push me away? the relationship ends. 

your hours at work have been cut to only work 12-15 hours. you struggle. you join online school to finish a degree.

you gain strength. you take a trip to clear your mind. and again, your son adores you.

sincerely, 

your 27-year-old self

ps dear 18 year old self- you will gain weight. you will weigh over 120 pounds. deal with it. life is too short to count carbs.

this is where i am today.

happy father's day.

dear mr. g,

there have been many moments in life i've ran to you for advice or support. i remember curling up in your lap and smelling the overpowering cologne smell on your chest. for whatever reason, that smell was a safe haven. it made me feel secure and taken care of. i knew you were around when i smelled it. it stayed behind an hour after you would leave the house. i haven't smelled your cologne in years.

as a mother, i don't know how i could ever bring myself to treat my child the way you have treated yours. the insults, accusations, and downright meanness is something i only hope i don't possess. it's unfortunate because on days like today (ie- fathers day), i still miss you. i know you shouldn't even warrant those emotions but i still feel them. i wonder where everything went wrong.

i don't think anything i have said or done should have provoked the blocking of my cell phone number. i can't even contact you anymore. do you even know what that does to me? i wonder if you even think about me most days.

you have a new life now, i understand that. i hope the void you couldn't fill in georgia has been filled there. i hope you are a better husband than you were to my mother. you have a wonderful grandson who doesn't have a living grandfather around. i wonder if you ever think of him? i know he didn't get a birthday present this year. you shouldn't ignore him simply because you have a hatred for me. he is innocent and did nothing.

remember when i got pregnant? you were the reason i decided to keep him. you were so excited for "it" to be a boy. you said you'd coach his baseball team. now look at you. you can't do that half a country away.

 you can pretend your life is great. it is everything you hoped for but i know that if you have any heart at all, you must be conflicted inside for what you have left behind. those grandchildren aren't your blood. those kids aren't your own. how can you walk away from a family you raised for 20+ years and act as though we never existed? it makes me so sad inside that you still talk to my brother when i was the only one for so long that would even answer your phone calls. what did i do to you? i caught you in your lies? i found those emails and calls to another woman? i'm sorry, sir. you can't ruin my family without a fight.

i am, however, thankful for the experiences you have given me. i'm thankful i learned at such an early age not to trust just anyone. even if it is your father. maybe you have made me a cynic; i'm sorry for that. you don't deserve that much impact on my life. and when you told me i wasn't capable of a loving relationship because i can't seem to treat people nicely, i wish i could tell you how much i loved a man. i loved him whole-heartedly this year. i'm sure you'd say he left me because i'm crazy. you have no idea. i treated him fairly. i felt proud of myself for letting someone in after all of the damage you caused. i may be damaged goods because of you but you will never get all of me. i am lovable and i promise not to ruin people the way you have.

happy fathers day (i mean that loosely)

r