brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

sickness, illness, and death.

yep. i have bronchitis. i can feel in the bases of my lung lobes.
my mom looks like she has thrush except it's actually strept throat.
did i mention we live together?
however, hallelujah. luke is well (fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc).

a guy i used to occasionally hang out with passed away.
his body was found in a cemetery this morning.
the cause of death is yet to be released.
but i heard it may have been a gun shot wound to the head.
so unfortunate.
i feel so sorry for his sister and family.

on a very different note.
there is a 13 year old girl i know who changed my life.
she had a 6 hour invasive surgery two days ago.
please pray that her spiking temperature isn't signs of pneumonia.


xo

AHH. BREATHE.

i'm falling behind on this here ole blog. actually, i'm falling behind on life in general.

i have many things to say.. i just do not have the time at the moment.

here are some highlights .. i'll elaborate later----

1. it is midnight. i got home from job numero dos at 11pm. being the procrastinator i am, i finished two papers before the midnight mark. because naturally, they were due at midnight.
2. i'm constantly exhausted.  i  am having  a hard time keeping my eyes open during the day.
3. after contemplating red bull, 5 hour energy, i'm still at a loss. i find myself drinking about 5 cokes a day.. and all of the brown mess is starting to make me feel like a slug.
4. most importantly, i forgot to mention that little dude's fever wouldn't go away after six days so.. he was hospitalized at a nearby children's hospital. this warranted 6 days absent from school. no worries, all i well now.
5. we gave away one of the puppies so far.
6. i got to speak with a child life specialist after said hospital stay. it was enlightening.. and one step closer to being in the profession i want to be in.
7. my mom has strep. i have.. something. bronchitis? i don't know. 
8. kid is good.
9. i miss my grandpa and mention him in my school papers all of the time.
10. i love my uncle john and everything he does for my little fam.
11. i need new shoes for dude. he outgrew his sandals.. in 3 months. major outgrew.
12. we started to take on learning our letters and the sounds they make.
13. i'm itching for new art projects. i've been feeling so creative.
14. one of my dearest friends, abby wilson, had invasive surgery today to extract some tumors from her lungs. i've been in prayer all day. won't you do the same? 

.... ummmmm

yes . more soon.

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

2 things happened.. a positive and a negative.

a few things of note happened today. i'll start with the least important.

i watched blue valentine tonight. why does this matter? i believe that on this blog a few months ago, i said something to the effect of "i will never watch blue valentine." why did i say that? let me jog your memory.

i went through this break up with big c.  remember him? i thought that was it for me. he was my one. then we broke up. i was slightly devastated. (slightly, ya know... :) )... we had plans to watch blue valentine. over and over we meant to watch it but it was never available at the red box when we went. so i associated that movie with him. it's a romantic love story. top that with memories of big c. i was boycotting the movie.  then something happened to quarantine me to my house. movies were in order. blue valentine made its way into my bag and that was that. a tiny milestone if you will. it is like the burning of my bra for women's rights or something.. but not really. i like wearing bras. 

how was the movie? dragging. not nearly as good as i had anticipated. oh well. it is probably for the best.

and now for the important thing that happened today.

remember on my last post how i said luke was spiking a fever and i was crapping my brains out? i'm all better. kinda. but guess what luke's fever decided to peak at at 6am this morning? 1 0 freakin 4. 104 DEGREES, PEOPLE! i called my icu nurse mom. frantically asking if she thought it warranted an er visit.. she calmed me down. motrin and tylenol later, his fever was at 100. still not good but definitely not 104. after a strep test and blood test for mono, his strep was negative and the mono was FREAKING POSITIVE. MONO, PEOPLE. MONO. 

holy crap. we are indoors. movies, pizza (at luke's request),  and lots of fluids. that's the regimen. good grief. my poor, poor baby. his fever never really breaks. it worries me. but under strict orders, we are monitoring the degreeage (yes, i made that up) on the hour. we are making sure it doesn't get to 105 because yeah, that warrants an er visit.

prayers for my kiddo. he's so upset he is missing his soccer game tomorrow!

oh. and here are two pictures to show that my mom and i love the crap out of little dude.

 because when you have mono, grannies feel bad 

and buy you that $20 mario costume to cheer you up.

and mama's night stand boasts everything needed for a good night's rest:

tissues, tylenol and motrin, a thermometer, 

a notepad to make sure i know which med i gave last,

a book to read (God Loves Single Moms.. haha), 

and some toys for entertainment until that temp comes down.

whew. wish me luck. and again, pray for my dude.

contagion.. or something.

so, i woke up roughly around 4am to the stomach ache from hell. i ran to the bathroom where the beast started its twenty-four hour wrecking on my body. thank you, stomach virus!

the trips to the bathroom were frequent.. i'd say less that ten minutes apart. i tried sleeping through the urge to go but that idea was a major fail. calling in sick was a must.

thankfully, i have an amazing family member (sam!) who picked the kid up from my house to take him to school. i, then had my day cut out for me. the toilet and i became bffs. i tried sleeping in between sudden trips to the loo but to no avail. finally around 2pm, my alarm went off to let me know it was time to get the kid from school..

except i couldn't get off of the toilet. i was thirty freakin minutes late picking up my child. i felt like the worst mama in history. to add that proverbial icing, the coordinator of the school saw me entering the parking lot to "just let me know" that a cop would get me for speeding in his parking lot. thank you, kind sir. did i not just mention i'm late picking up my son because i'm crapping my brains out? oh, here comes to vomiting. yes, THANK YOU! just what i need. now both ends hate me. did i fail to mention that my ass really needs desitin to walk at this point? but i'll make sure to keep my speed at a minimum.

so, i finally grab my boy.. or rather, they bring him to me for fear of infecting the whole class. luke lets me know that one- his friend hit him twice (with tears in his eyes), and two- he feels sick as well. oh goodie gumdrops.

he was actually ok when we got home. we sat in the recliner watching tv in between my visits to the bathroom. around 8pm, he starts crying for no apparent reason. at this point, i've gone ONE HOUR without a bathroom trip.. and to me, this means i've ended my friendship. except no, no. that was a cruel joke. my friend returns.

so, back to my flailing child who has forgotten to use his words. i check his head- oh he's burning up! yeehaw. he's so limp at this point.. all he wants to do is lay his head down and cry some more. i finally get his motrin in and he's out in 10 minutes....

did i mention my mom has to spend the night with my grandma so it is going to be an extra fun doing this alone... and on the toilet??


lets see what tonight holds.. (prayers needed)...

to the bathroom i go!


(ps. i tagged this post under death. and that is pretty much what it feels like)

never forget.

where were you?

i remember dreading the day. it was a gorgeous day but i was not ready for this new week of high school. i hated high school but i loved my boyfriend. seeing him there made it tolerable. so, reluctantly, i got ready for this tuesday. it also happened to be my cousin's birthday. i was ready to wish her a happy birthday.. not wish the day never happened.

i remember going into second period graphics class with ms. mitchell and everyone in the hallway was talking and saying something major had happened. since i could have cared less about those people, i made my way to my class without much thought.

there, ms. mitchell had the tv on and told us all to hurry to the screen to watch the images showing before us. the world trade center had been hit by an airplane. we thought, "wow. that pilot made a major error!" we were silent. the second plane then hit the second tower. we gasped. some of us screamed. no one was sitting in a chair. we couldn't move and time stood still. some of us had tears. this was not a mistake by some pilot. this was a plan.

for the next few hours, the school was on lock down. the base across the street was on lock down. parents couldn't release their children from school. base employees couldn't leave their offices. it was chaotic but not. everything was eerily still. all we wanted to do was go home and hug our parents. we couldn't. then the rumors started.

"the terrorists have a list. warner robins is on that list." (we have a very large air force base full of weapons)

we all couldn't comprehend the events before us. i was senior! it was suppose to be a celebration! i had just lost my childhood dog of 13 years a few days prior and now our country was no longer as safe as we all thought. i was also ridiculously obsessed with new york at the time and i grew angry at the thought of it being under attack.

my boyfriend and i stood still. we hugged each other. our eyes were permanently dilated that day. when i got home, my mom was glued to the tv. we talked about our experiences of the day. we just could not believe how many would be effected. we were effected.

so. 10 years later, one child later. a few colleges and boyfriends later. i'm still here. and i still remember.

i can't help but look at my child and thank God he has his innocence. thank God he wasn't alive for that terrible day.

never forget. we are not invincible.

puppy update.

recently, my days have consisted of nursing this little guy. one day he just woke up and could barely put pressure on his legs. we checked the color of his tongue. it was pale white so we knew something was going on. he was so lethargic because -being the runt- sometimes gets you pushed to the back. he just couldn't keep up with his two fatter brothers. luckily, a little bottle feeding every three hours has seemed to bring my pup back to himself. thank you, God.



i hope everyone has a good labor day! little dude and i are doing some deep cleaning.. rather, i am. he's playing mario brothers on the wii!

until next time.

worrying.

when i was pregnant, i remember praying to hit the milestones without a hitch. ya know, the first ultrasound praying there would be a heartbeat. the 20 week ultrasound where you still hoped there would be a heartbeat as well as a healthy baby. 28 weeks.. knowing there was a chance of being viable. 34 weeks knowing your child has a strong chance. 37 weeks.. being full term and getting so excited. praying for 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as good apgar results.

what they fail to mention in the pregnancy books is that the worry doesn't stop at birth. it only multiplies from there. i remember luke having health problems; constant projectile vomit at every meal. countless doctor's appointments. then the diabetic test. the blood draws. the cystic fibrosis test. on pins and needles for results. i remember when we realized he had an eye that was misshapen; the doctor telling us that at least it was reacting to light but only time would tell if it was cosmetic or not. (note- he still has this misshapen eye.. an ophthalmologist should be consulted although kiddo can see)

then he headed to school a few weeks ago. i find myself questioning if he is where he should be mentally. i mean, he's smart. he can beat up to world 5 on mario brothers.. but he can't follow direction. is it affiliated with his eye? is it some form of dyslexia? what is it?

the problem is.. he is SO painfully shy. if he isn't understanding something, he will be the last to tell the teacher. he came home with homework a few days ago; just a test to see where he lies with his IQ. one of the questions said "tell your child to put a book in the middle of the table" i did. he didn't understand where the middle was. then it said "put a book between the couch cushions" .. he sorta understood this. lastly, "tell your child to put the book under a table." he didn't understand that at all. things like "end" or "beginning" have no meaning to him. you can point in an object's direction and he won't understand. in soccer, he didn't understand blocking the ball from going into the net although the other children seemed to get it. maybe i'm being overly worried. i'm' not sure. i just know that i'm concerned.

i've always been the type that would never use ADD/ADHD medication unless it was truly truly truly needed. as in.. a brain test or something measurable. so, i'm not going there. but..


ideas? thoughts?

i'm alive. barely.

sorry friends. i disappeared. since working with the kiddos, i've had a 102 degree fever, tonsils aching, and some serious nasal congestion. i'm working through it. today was my first day off so i spent some much needed time in the bed asleep. thank God for my mom. have i said that lately?

in the teaching world, i have to say i am beginning to really enjoy it! i can't wait to build up my immune system though. and my boy is sick as well. darn those snotty children!

i'll be back soon when i deflate my head. just letting you few out there that email me know that i am in fact alive!

pray for us and our health. thanks guys :)

xo

wait.

...there *may* be a job interview tomorrow. and i *may*  really hope i get it. so i need some prayers this way!

details tomorrow.

in the meantime.. on the way home from the sitter today luke says,  "that stop sign is an octagon because it has eight sides."

i guess school is teaching him things!!  woohoo!!

rebutal of sorts.

wow!  i should write about my whorish way more often! i have a whopping 109 visitors so far.. today alone. welcome all :)

anyway, i know i shouldn't entertain the people that disapprove of the content of my website but heck, i don't mind.

i will say that i'm a 27-year-old single mom. pretty sure i'm up front about that. i've been single since my kiddo was born. i get along with my mr. b, little dude's dad. how many people can say that? hi, mr. b! i can count on one hand how many people i've kissed. i can also count on one hand how many people i've had "relations" with.  i'd say that is pretty hard to come by in my generation. in high school, i was known as a prude. i remember when i first started dating (who would later become my high school sweetheart), people would tell me how weird i looked holding some one's hand. as if i wasn't confident enough to make such a public proclamation. it made me laugh.

i took four years off from dating. i did. to get my thoughts together, a "want" list of sorts about who i think would suit me well. i also did some sort-lived therapy to get over the issues i had with men in my life. in january, i thought i was ready. so, i joined match.com. to my surprise, i met someone relatively quickly.  enter big c. hi, big c!  i know that i can be good for someone because he was that. those good guys exist. i found one; one in a million so i know there  are more out there.

things ended but most things do. the thing about me is: i'm not really looking for guy friends. i'm looking for the long term. if i know it just isn't going to work out, i will tell ya "lets just stop talking." i think that is a fair thing to do. after all, i'm a mom first. i don't need my son meeting men left and right. truthfully, i'm only open to one man and i will find him, i'm sure.

now, i know it seems i'm "obsessed" with meeting "the one". however, i'm not. this is my blog. the intent is to blog about things i feel compelled to speak about. through this blog, i have met other amazing single mom's who feel the same way. we are single moms. who do we really have to talk about our inner feelings with? certainly not our children. this all being said, i'm a mom. i wipe up messes. i parent. i teach my son. he is my first thought. in my alone time, i read and do homework. i'm a pretty boring person. i don't sit around dying for a man everyday. no. if it happens, it does. heck, i'm 27! i want more babies. my child bearing is hopefully  not done at 24, you know? so. i bring those things to the blog. it is my outlet, if you will.

and finally. a-hole (i told him i'd refer to him as this although he NOT an a-hole at ALL) is a stand up guy. this is my "fwb" dude. he is pretty awesome and very straight forward. i have respect for him that i don't in most. so really, don't be hard on the dude. he's super nice in my book. it was my bad decision that made me sad yesterday--- not his! 

toodles and stuff.

no more.

hypocrisy; we are all guilty but some more so than others. me? i'm a major hypocrite. you see, i pray daily; more than once. i pray with my son. i pray for forgiveness. i pray for a single mom's group to join. i pray for "the one". i tell myself i'm not going to settle. but what i have done is went against everything i believe in; i decided to diminish myself to be some one's "friends with benefits".

i know it's wrong. but here's the thing. i have needs that are not met. if by trying to find "the one", i have another four year dry spell, i'm not sure i can do that again. i came to this conclusion that i'd take this approach to men (fwb) because if i can't meet a guy who is willing to like me and my "weird", well, i'll just be a guy in return. eventually, he'll see the beauty and independence as a gift. he'll eventually fall for me, i'm sure. i won't be like those other girls. the ones who wait. wait. wait. no, i'm going to be a dude. but did i really have that in me?

i have to say.. the last one never came to fruition. so, no worries there. however, upon learning there was another girl who would be the "girlfriend" eventually, i realized i have lessened myself to the person i never wanted to be again. the backup. i deserve a lot more. and i promise if someone else says "you just haven't met the right guy yet!" .. i'm going to scream. excuse me, i meet lots of men. somehow they never return the feelings. and secretly.. i'm mean, REALLY secretly.. i was left with a twinge of jealousy for the other girl. the girl who did the right thing and has waited. didn't jump the gun. i felt jealous that she is something i am not. she got the guy.

truthfully, i don't know him that well. he's nice enough. i think he has a good head on his shoulders. i think we have a lot in common. and i really secretly (once again).. really thought MAYBE he was what i was looking for. but oh well. alas, another one has come .. very suddenly.. and gone. within a 24 hour period.

good things are coming.

just a note. luke told me "by the way, i'm going to marry you. you need to buy a dress. i'll get good clothes." love that kid. later, he told me "well, you can marry my daddy" well, that's a talk for another.

a few things going on in rachael land. i'm super ecstatic as well as overwhelmed. 

i finally got around to calculating my expected graduation date.. somehow it is REALLY going to happen! now comes the overwhelming factor: because it is so soon (as in this time next year i'll have a degree behind my name), i haven't actually looked into internships. i finally did. um. what! wow! i have to get on this;

in order to even apply for an internship, i have to have had experience in a clinical setting with well infants and children as well as experience paid or unpaid with families in a stressful situation. to meet the latter, i'm trying to do some volunteer work with a childhood cancer organization as i have before. the well infants? oh man. i have no clue. i could apply for some pediatrician offices but i'm not sure the likelihood of actually getting hired. here's to hoping!! 

 so, around july i'm hoping to put in my internship application. this will decide where i will be living come summer time. i'm SO nervous about the unknown. we know how i love my plans and to-do lists.

another thing... what i'm going to do with luke. he's starting school the first week of august and i'm at a loss as to what to do about after school care! i'd hate to make him stay for after school care until six.. i mean 8am to 6pm at age 4?? that is just too much. 

so, i please ask for you to pray for some sort of answer to what to do at 230pm when he gets out of school as well as getting a job in the pediatric setting. i'm in need!!

xo


oh! i do need some help. if i do move to atlanta, i'd likely be working at egleston or scottish rite. any ATLiens out there to offer advice on a good/cheaper location and good school system for the kiddo to live?