.. i always wanted to be alone.

there is a reason i said i'd be happy alone. it wasnt because i thought i would be happy alone. it was because i thought if i loved someone and then it fell apart, i might not make it. it's easier to be alone. because what if you learn that you need love? and then you don't have it. what if you like it? and lean on it? what if you shape your life around it? and then it falls apart? can you even survive that kind of pain? losing love is like organ damage. it's like dying. the only difference is, death ends. this? it could go on forever . . .


i needed you more.
you wanted us less.

regrouping.

i'm the type of person who is an open book. i don't mind sharing every detail of my life (until things get hairy- ie- the mass text i sent to family and friends telling them i absolutely did not want to discuss the BIG C break up). i'm trying to conceal identities for those guilty innocent people in my life.

BIG C= the first boy i fell for after becoming someone's mama. actually, he isn't a boy at all. he's a man. the true first man i've ever dated. see how i did that? brilliant.
LITTLE DUDE= i affectionately call my 3 foot main squeeze.
BFFLZ= because 'z' makes it so much cooler and takes me back to high school. fo realz. lylas. this is the girl i trust with my son -God forbid- anything happened to my momz or I. that 'z' thing is so gangster.
SD= well, it means sperm donor. and i don't mean the man that is my father. i mean little dude's pop. we get along most days, actually.

like my key? what a clever, super cute thing to do.


so, lets get this party started.


pardon my emotional mess yesterday. it happens. i could tell you the complete sob story of my dad, brother, and SD abandoning me. hell, some it has been my fault. i get it though: men hate me. there, i said it.

i think i threaten men. i wish i could take everything they say for face value. it would make my life a lot less messy i'm sure. i just can't. i was blessed/cursed with woman's intuition. i always find out.

so really. i need to conceal my 'crazy' more. or just let the beast never rear its ugly head. it can scare people away who haven't seen that side of me. *ahem* i have a fear that i won't ever be loved. my father told me i'd never be loved because i won't allow people to. he says i'm awful in relationships and i treat people like crap. so, in an effort to show that i was devastated from the downfall with the BIG C, i put up my walls. i threw around a lot of f-bombs.. and sobbed uncontrollably. like.. ugly cry. it wasn't pretty.

alas, i am a mom and i have to scrape myself out of the bed at some point. i have a life to take care of other than my own. i also needed to do some apologizing to those i freaked out. (sorry!!!) i'm really not crazy. there are just a few things to know. yep, i come with a disclaimer.

1. i am a planner. i love a plan. this comes with being a mom. my days usually have some sort of flow. i don't deal well with the unexpected. (not to be confused with change. i will embrace change as it comes. i am actually ready for a change.)
2. i hate being ignored. please, send a respectful message telling me to jump off of a bridge.. but do not ignore me. (see- daddy issues)
3. i have been in excruciating pain for the past three weeks. this means i've consumed 4 bottles (literally) of ibuprofen to get through the day. i'm not a pill popper. i actually hate pain medicine. when i say pain, it has been ROUGH. lately i've been having a hard time getting out of bed because of the pain shooting through my mouth, ear canal, and to my head. lets say.. sometimes i wish i was pushing out a kid instead. (root canal booked for 10:45am tomorrow)
   
4. number 3 being said, i haven't been myself lately. i've been on the verge of murdering an innocent bystander because they were talking too much. i have been telling my child things like 'whisper' or 'please stop talking so i can think'. i never say things like this. so, i apologize. i will contribute the lapse in proper composure slightly due to this.

.. so the direction i'm taking with this little blog is to get my BIG C back.. and chronicle the awesome (!) and trying (boo!) times of being a single mama.

oh. by the way. in the world of little dude. he went for his first swim this afternoon in our pool. i haven't had to buy shorts or swim trunks since he was born. the kid doesn't gain weight. i'm proud- and embarrassed- to say. . . he wore a SIX MONTHS size swim suit today. seriously?! i do feed the kid, DFACS. i do.


ps-
casey anthony is an awful, awful person and i'd really like to see due justice.

a broken heart is physical pain. i promise.

i have literally used my inhaler to get me through today. right now, i am hyperventilating. it took four years to trust men again. four years. it has been crushed in three months. i am beyond hurting. let me recap.

jan 1- my dad sends a text disowning me.

feb- i met C.

two weeks ago - my brother sends me a text disowning me.

friday- some people pretending to be an online work from home, turn out to be a scam. . sending me a 2k check to deposit.. only for it to overdraw my account.

two days ago- i try to speak with my brother in front of employees at target. he walks away.

yesterday- i lost C.

today- my dentist calls to tell me i'd have to pay 2k to have the root canal i need. i can't pay that so i find another dentist who tells me the other dentist has used most of my money for the year so i will have to pay out of pocket for most of my root canal that i desperately need. this root canal almost sent me to the er last night it hurt so bad.

the reason i have been waiting to move to columbus was to find out if i got into nursing school. the letter was in the mailbox saying i didnt when i got home.


i'm on the verge of a serious mental breakdown and that is putting it mildly.
i wish C would reconsider his decision. i do. we had a great relationship. we got along. we had the same values. he took care of me. he talked about me when i wasn't there. everything.

he applied for a job in a town i'd never live. without asking me what i thought.

i prayed every night that his health would be ok. i took care of him when he had an allergic reaction. i would have done ANYTHING. i wanted abby in wedding one day.. omg. .

this is so easy for him. he deleted luke's pictures immediately. why do i have to be in pain? why am i suffering?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i'm having trouble breathing.

jerry mcguire esque.

he completed me.

is the part where i let him go and do what he thinks he wants.. then he realizes the error in his ways and notices that the job, the house, the money is worth nothing without me and my kid?

yea, stupid movies and their happy endings.

a million little pieces.

have you ever felt like, 'big deep breath... and exhale. i have finally found it. what everyone talks about. when you know, you know.'

recently, i found that. it has made me a happier mom, daughter, and friend. overall, my general wellbeing has been feeling like i can finally relax and not worry about tomorrow because i'm taken care of.

rewind to last week. i'm pretty sure you could have quoted me saying to any given family member, 'yes, i know we will never break up. i have no worries.' i was sure of it. the plans were in place. luke and i would be moving the first week of july to columbus, ga to pursue love and that 'family unit'. as the days were being slashed off the calendar, i couldn't help but get excited. i bought small plastic cups for my boy at our new casa. i had my list of things that needed to be bought .. bed sheets for luke since he'd be taking over my full size bed.. etc. life was good. my forever was finally pulling together and i finally thought maybe i would be one of those girls that gets married someday.

fast forward to today. my what a week makes! from getting morning text messages while i wake up stating things about being missed or thought about.. to nothing. absolutely nothing. to feeling like a burden or some crazy, psycho girl who can't stop texting with nothing in return. no responses. from the guy who would hide at work to respond or send me something to let me know i was cared about to.. nothing. at. all.

it is hard. i wonder where everything went wrong. what had i done? i had a hard time getting over SD because he didn't love me enough. it is one of the worst feelings to want someone so much with little to nothing in return. i made a vow to never do that again. and now? here i am. all of my thoughts lead to this one person .. and what i could have done differently. all of the past is playing in my head. did i fall too soon? did i push him away? scare him? is it my child (because if so, i can get over this really fast)? i just dont know. and not having answers makes me feel so broken.

i know this is all effecting my parenting... and that makes me feel so much worse. it isn't my son's fault. i've never had to deal with dating while being a mom. new territory. how do i hold my head high, laugh at jokes, and have fun when inside, i just feel like i'm dying.

i'm trying to be positive. maybe things will change. maybe he will come to his senses and realize i'm worth it. is that settling? i dont feel like it is. he is such a good match for me. .

we are going on vacation in june. i sure hope he comes along..

until then.

30 before 30.

when i was 18, i made a list. a list of goals i wanted to accomplish before turning the big 3-0. i'm lacking. but nothing in life is as it seems. nothing goes as planned. so recently i found this list. i didn't get to 30 things. i got to 18 or so. so i've added some as the present day 27 year old self. YIKES. i need to get busy!

30 things to do before 30.

1. learn to play guitar
2. earn a college degree
3. get married
4. have a child - 6.18.07.
   
5. become financially independent
6. own a house
7. have another child
8. visit at least half of the fifty states
9. go overseas to london
10. move to atlanta - 8.2004
    
11. learn to sew
12. learn to cook
13. take a road trip cross country
14. become closer to my mom - 5.2007
    
15. build a house
16. become a nurse
17. go to coachella. . just once
18. make a good girl friend
19. host a dinner party
20. visit the holocaust museum in dc
21. visit new york in the fall
22. go to disney world
23. get fit and toned. in shape.
    
24. become a runner.
25. buy an expensive camera. and learn to use it.
26. make time to create more art
27. quit target
    
28. make a budget by dave ramsey and stick to it
29. become debt free
30. own a king size bed

so....... we'll see ;)

so.. it's been a while..

my, my.. how times change in the blink of an eye. let's see.

after complaining and moaning about being single, i think i've finally fallen for a guy who is worth my while. he is a man. he enjoys my son and myself. what's not to like? he can take care of us. i'm at ease around him. thanks, match.com. haha.

honestly, i crave his presence. this isn't some "oh i've been single for 4 years and i'm settling for the first person to look my way" post. no, i'm a realist. i live with my son's best interest in mind. i would never make some rash decision like.. fall head over heels if i didn't think he was worth it. but he is. goodness, he is. i like his smile, his scent, how he makes me feel secure when he hugs me. how he laughs at my stupidity. how he didn't run away when luke had an uber-ultra-i'm two years old again-meltdown in the middle of target one day. he simply took him to the car and rationalized with him. see? perfectly imperfect.

i guess i've done something good along the way for him to come in my life. i'm thankful everyday.

enough of the mush.

i made this for luke's room in a few months: