money and other problems.. but i love my little dude.

i've come to the realization that my job isn't cutting it anymore. i have stayed with insertcompanyhere for my fantastic schedule and the health benefits can't be beaten. however, with the recession. . the decline of the economy, companynamehere is no longer the same company i signed up for. my hours have slowly dwindled from 40 hours monday thru thursday to 15 at best. some days we come in and are asked to leave at least three hours early due to the decrease in sales. 

i shouldn't complain really. i have a job. i have dental and medical insurance. i get to take a vacation (even if it will be unpaid).  i love the people i work with most of the time. haha. i'm trying to focus on the brighter side these days.. it's just hard when pay day rolls around and you realize you're falling short. 

so.. i have applied to quite a few places. hopefully, i will hear something soon! in other news, i accepted my financial aid reward offer today and made my online classes official. i'm super excited while also super anxious. it will be difficult with school, luke starting school, and working. but alas, that is life. it's all for a better life for my little dude. hopefully one day i will no longer have to decide which bill should i pay this week or living paycheck to paycheck. (ok, i can't even do that). but really? this is my kiddo's birthday month. he deserves the best. i can't deny him that!

i'd do it all again.... this below was the best moment of my life. the first time i held him. he had an instant peace about him. his body was so tight and wound up. he relaxed at my touch and voice. he made me a mama in this moment. i wouldn't trade it for any job, amount of money, .. anything ever.. 

june 18th my little tiny 6lb baby will be FOUR!

a walk. some pictures. a dragon.

i decided to go on a walk tonight. luke showed off his awesome pedaling moves as i walked alongside. i have pictures to prove i've got the most adorable kid. he rocks bieber hair better than bieber. he also tolerates my camera in his face like it's nothing. oh, and he dresses himself. impeccable style, i tell ya.

notice the green boots? he got those to garden in.

he likes planting. actually, he likes dirt in general.

he is so proud he taught himself

how to pedal without a daddy's help!!

yea. crusty faces, crazy mama.

 here's mr. dragon. this is for my "friend."

mr. dragon misses you, friend.



 

tooth asparagus.

ah. the tooth pain is back. because, why not? it isn't done yet. thankfully, i'll get it fixed june 7th. can i wait that long? dear lord i hope so.


fun fact.


only 1 in 4 people have the gene to smell asparagus.

truthfully, i don't think i'm one of them.

JUNE.

june activities-

1- gracie's first birthday!
4- peachtree city for the grace's birthday party. (pool party!)
5- celebrate caleb's 21st.
6- caleb's actual birthday/ school starts for me! college again. yay!
18- my baby boy will be FOUR!!!!! / day of party including a firework show!!!
26- leave for vacation/ samantha's 20th birthday


so..... yeah. there are things to be happy about!!!
woo hoo!!

plus i have a new hobby which means meeting new people.


i'm going to be alright :)

the happiness project.

i started a book yesterday. the happiness project. i always pick up reading as a hobby when i'm lonely and need a good "friend". i'm picky about the criteria the book has to meet. truthfully, it has to have a nice cover. i enjoy aesthetic appeal. it's the graphic/photographic/creative side of me. if the cover is nicely designed, it must not be about falling in love, being in love, or losing a loved one (death). it has to have feminist undertones, preferably bash men, and sometimes.. involves a single mom. why not? misery loves company. i enjoy getting lost in other people's problems rather than my own. taking a break to remove myself from my mind and go into someone else's world brings me comfort and peace. weird? sure.

one thing that has kind of been.. haunting me.. lately is the phrase, "fake it til you make it". this means (and scientifically proven) that if you want to be happy, make yourself act happy. this doesn't mean being super bubbly and cheerleader-esque. lord knows i don't even have the capacity to do that. so, the idea is that if you act happy, you will in turn be happy. so.. maybe? i'm skeptical but i'll give it a go soon.  the phrase has been introduced twice in one day. sometimes, i like to believe in signs.

also, i thought about activating my match.com account again. some people have told me that a rebound may be what it takes to get over it. it has worked for me in the past. i just don't know if i'm up to it this time.  i signed into the account tonight. i saw there were some updates, then i promptly signed out. i'm not ready.

down day.

i'd say that my current state is much like a ticking time bomb. not that i'm going to go ape shit on the next person that stares at me for too long. . no- more so in that sad, child-like way. the little girl who's feelings get hurt because you said her hair is red rather than brown. she then goes running to the nearest bathroom with eyes full of tears. thus, the reason i never wanted a little girl;  i can't deal with the emotions and drama. now i find myself being her. the 'her' i never liked. 

to be honest, i'm not sure why the decline of this relationship is affecting me as it is. some days i'm ok and i can enjoy a good laugh with people. other days (namely today), i'd rather be in a dark room under some covers. sleep seems to be my only way out of the world. just for a little while. 

at my grandma's today, my aunt took something i said the wrong way. she got up from the table and sat in another room. now, if this had happened two weeks ago, i'd laugh and say some sarcastic remark.. things would be ok and we'd move on. today i just couldn't take it. i had to get up and run to the bathroom where i just let out uncontrollable sobs-- but discreetly so no one would come asking me if i was ok. as i lay there on those blue tiles from the 1970's, i just kept thinking to myself 'how do you move forward?' how do i pick up the pieces? i just have such a hard time with rejection.

my last heart break was when i was 23. now i'm 27. i thought maybe it got easier with age. alas, i'm a living testament that it in fact, does not.

clarity.

honestly? i don't have the energy to put into it anymore.  you can't make someone want the same things as you. no matter how hard you try, i don't think the most successful lawyer could convince someone. and really? what kind of life/love would that be? you shouldn't have to convince someone you are worth it. you just should be. i don't think i've experienced that type of love since i was 18 years old. somehow, i do think i will pick myself up and walk a little taller after this. heart break hurts but it makes you tougher. at least i know now that i can do this. i can potentially fall for someone again. i'm not equipped with a black heart.. even if i want most to believe that.

hangover 2 was good. if you want a good laugh, it is good medicine.