brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

luke-isms

we bought our christmas tree at lowe's a week ago. while pulling up to the store, luke says "lowes. let's build something together".  he seriously makes me laugh.

another luke-ism: after lying on his mat for nap time, his teacher noticed he has his hands clasped together as though he was praying. ms. meka says, "luke, what are you doing?".. luke replies, "just praying to santa my list". innocence, i love it.

and one more. we have bob, our elf on the shelf. everyone knows you can't touch your elf because his magical powers will disappear. luke takes this very seriously. he placed his wii game near bob on the table today. he was so worried that his game had touched bob. he hands the wii game to me and says, "please check and make sure there isn't any magic on it. i can't take bob's magic away!"

  

it's the little things. life gets hectic and tough and everything else. sometimes we overlook the simple stuff in between.

bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....

t-day.

i hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving. i did spend the day with my family and we had a great time. something about lots of food and dessert shared with the feeling of the impending holidays really sets the mood for a great time. little dude had a great time too. he told me all about the mayflower ride with the pilgrims and how they took the land from the native americans. it is so much fun to compare the years and how his concept of the meaning is beginning to mold itself. the only time he really showed a temper is when he realized mcdonalds was closed later in the day.. whew. he just couldn't understand why!

i ended up worked 1130pm to noon on black friday at target. it was interesting trying to decide when to sleep and where or even.. how. i think i totaled a two hour nap beforehand. something about the screaming public always ceases to amaze me. is an xbox 360-kinect bundle really that important? but alas, people were losing their sh!t over it. 

little dude had to spend the night with his dad's mom. he learned fun things like what a sleeping bag is. he thought it was the coolest. he also had his cousin to stay with him. i hear they had a blast! (so thank you, nanny for keeping him!)  of course, i did end up in a verbal match with luke's uncle. HI THERE! (he let it be known he reads this blog) he has set a fire in me with his malicious words to date again. to do something for myself. while i'm very happy with my life, maybe i should spend some time on myself every once in a while. so i started today; i shaved my legs. hahaha. but really, it's true. here's to showing those who hate me that i REALLY AM over luke's DAD.

thankful.

i'm sick right now with an upper respiratory infection. rather than feeling awful and swallowing myself in the illness, i feel compelled to write the obligatory "i am thankful for.." post.  i can complain a lot but in the end, i do have a good life filled with good laughs, great people with warm hearts and witty attitudes, and a little 3 feet tall man by my side who gives me kisses on my eyelids every morning. i could focus on the things lacking but i'm typically content with what i have.

my mom and i had the tumultuous teen years that i'm sure most girls shared with their mothers. why is this woman acting like she knows everything? she can't possibly understand what i'm feeling or going through. yes, because mothers have never been there before.  with the demise of my parent's relationship and the impending birth of my child all in one year, my mother and i found ourselves with no one but each other to lean on. sure, we had well-meaning family and friends but no one really "understood" the situation but her and i.  looking back on 2007, i can say i am thankful for that time for bringing us to the relationship we share today. when people say situations can tear you apart or bring you closer, i'm so thankful it brought us to this level of closeness i never thought i could share with her. when she or i works extra and miss the opportunity to have a day off together, i feel it. i feel like i'm missing my "venting" partner. i'm missing the other half that gets me. i mean, i do share some of her dna after all. i know that there are times when we get on each other's nerves but we always  recover. we never let it linger. i'm so thankful she can still talk to me after the horrible things i have said in those teen years. she is seriously my hero.. and i know it sounds "corny" but i really, truly mean that. what an amazing woman.. and GRANNY to my little dude! she loves him as much as i do and would do anything for him.  i'm so thankful he has that sort of grandma that i have as well.

my family should be on my thankful list as a whole. each of them has done something for me without hesitating. my uncle gary gets out of bed at 7am to jump off my car due to a dead battery, my aunt lori has taken my son to school at 7:45am because i couldn't, my uncle john who has bailed me out SO.MANY.TIMES, my granny who has watched luke even though she has limited mobility.. etc. how blessed am i??? but lets talk about someone who REALLY goes unnoticed. samantha. she's my cousin. she's kind of amazing. that girl will answer my text back that i forgot to send allll day at 11pm to say "yes" that she can pick my child up from school. there have been times she has gotten up at 7am to lay with my child while i was at work. she does ...a....lot... for child and i. actually, luke begs to see samantha on my days off. he'd rather be at her house with her and her mario skillzzz than me when i'm at home. i would take offense to this but i don't. i'm so thankful there is someone out there he cares that much about! thank you, sam. seriously. with all of my heart.

my two jobs. the most understanding people at either job. many people don't even have one job in this economy. somehow, i've lucked up with two. the people at the daycare are the sweetest/craziest bunch of

women i have ever met. i have only worked there a short time and have called out a lot due to hospitalizations and illnesses. while i seriously shouldn't have a job there still, i do because they care. for some reason, they understand. they help me. they listen. i can't thank God enough for bringing this job into my life. i love my three-year-olds. although i have lost my voice for the first time while teaching them, i love each of those crazy kids like they are my own. my other job i've been with for 6 years, i love it. i enjoy the people i work with now. those crazy girls at the front end have made me laugh when i've

been too exhausted to smile. i know i could trust them if i needed them. that is hard to say these days.

more soon.

square one. again.

luke's dad is no longer engaged. i've been over him romantically for a while. years even. he began coming around again for a week or two. it was nice; a little pseudo family unit. little dude loved it. he wanted to take pictures of the two of us together (his dad and i). reluctantly at first, i caved. the photo session lasted for about 30 minutes. although as i said -i am over his father-, i'd be lying to myself and everyone else if i didn't share that it felt nice to have a partner to help wrangle the kiddo in. someone who can love luke as much as do; someone who is 50% of him as well.  

i was really ok with his fiance and himself being together. it took a very long time for me to come to that  conclusion but i had accepted it.. and her.. 100%. alas, i get nervous about the future women his dad will date. potential step mothers. will they be good enough? i've found myself worrying about it. i've stalked his facebook page to check if there are any potential suitors. i'm pretty sure there is one. i know i can't pick the partner for him but good grief.. we are as different as night and day.  

and i will admit.. and never admit to admitting this.. i am slightly disappointed that the family unit will never be complete. is that wrong? how can i be over someone and still be disappointed that we will never be together? answer- i'm not sure. i just know that it still feels like rejection every time i'm not a choice.. though i'm positive i'd never accept.  but the question still remains time and time again: why was i never good enough to be the one? why was i never an option for affection? why was i never fought for?

i'm such a walking contradiction.