no more.

hypocrisy; we are all guilty but some more so than others. me? i'm a major hypocrite. you see, i pray daily; more than once. i pray with my son. i pray for forgiveness. i pray for a single mom's group to join. i pray for "the one". i tell myself i'm not going to settle. but what i have done is went against everything i believe in; i decided to diminish myself to be some one's "friends with benefits".

i know it's wrong. but here's the thing. i have needs that are not met. if by trying to find "the one", i have another four year dry spell, i'm not sure i can do that again. i came to this conclusion that i'd take this approach to men (fwb) because if i can't meet a guy who is willing to like me and my "weird", well, i'll just be a guy in return. eventually, he'll see the beauty and independence as a gift. he'll eventually fall for me, i'm sure. i won't be like those other girls. the ones who wait. wait. wait. no, i'm going to be a dude. but did i really have that in me?

i have to say.. the last one never came to fruition. so, no worries there. however, upon learning there was another girl who would be the "girlfriend" eventually, i realized i have lessened myself to the person i never wanted to be again. the backup. i deserve a lot more. and i promise if someone else says "you just haven't met the right guy yet!" .. i'm going to scream. excuse me, i meet lots of men. somehow they never return the feelings. and secretly.. i'm mean, REALLY secretly.. i was left with a twinge of jealousy for the other girl. the girl who did the right thing and has waited. didn't jump the gun. i felt jealous that she is something i am not. she got the guy.

truthfully, i don't know him that well. he's nice enough. i think he has a good head on his shoulders. i think we have a lot in common. and i really secretly (once again).. really thought MAYBE he was what i was looking for. but oh well. alas, another one has come .. very suddenly.. and gone. within a 24 hour period.