bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....

t-day.

i hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving. i did spend the day with my family and we had a great time. something about lots of food and dessert shared with the feeling of the impending holidays really sets the mood for a great time. little dude had a great time too. he told me all about the mayflower ride with the pilgrims and how they took the land from the native americans. it is so much fun to compare the years and how his concept of the meaning is beginning to mold itself. the only time he really showed a temper is when he realized mcdonalds was closed later in the day.. whew. he just couldn't understand why!

i ended up worked 1130pm to noon on black friday at target. it was interesting trying to decide when to sleep and where or even.. how. i think i totaled a two hour nap beforehand. something about the screaming public always ceases to amaze me. is an xbox 360-kinect bundle really that important? but alas, people were losing their sh!t over it. 

little dude had to spend the night with his dad's mom. he learned fun things like what a sleeping bag is. he thought it was the coolest. he also had his cousin to stay with him. i hear they had a blast! (so thank you, nanny for keeping him!)  of course, i did end up in a verbal match with luke's uncle. HI THERE! (he let it be known he reads this blog) he has set a fire in me with his malicious words to date again. to do something for myself. while i'm very happy with my life, maybe i should spend some time on myself every once in a while. so i started today; i shaved my legs. hahaha. but really, it's true. here's to showing those who hate me that i REALLY AM over luke's DAD.

thankful.

i'm sick right now with an upper respiratory infection. rather than feeling awful and swallowing myself in the illness, i feel compelled to write the obligatory "i am thankful for.." post.  i can complain a lot but in the end, i do have a good life filled with good laughs, great people with warm hearts and witty attitudes, and a little 3 feet tall man by my side who gives me kisses on my eyelids every morning. i could focus on the things lacking but i'm typically content with what i have.

my mom and i had the tumultuous teen years that i'm sure most girls shared with their mothers. why is this woman acting like she knows everything? she can't possibly understand what i'm feeling or going through. yes, because mothers have never been there before.  with the demise of my parent's relationship and the impending birth of my child all in one year, my mother and i found ourselves with no one but each other to lean on. sure, we had well-meaning family and friends but no one really "understood" the situation but her and i.  looking back on 2007, i can say i am thankful for that time for bringing us to the relationship we share today. when people say situations can tear you apart or bring you closer, i'm so thankful it brought us to this level of closeness i never thought i could share with her. when she or i works extra and miss the opportunity to have a day off together, i feel it. i feel like i'm missing my "venting" partner. i'm missing the other half that gets me. i mean, i do share some of her dna after all. i know that there are times when we get on each other's nerves but we always  recover. we never let it linger. i'm so thankful she can still talk to me after the horrible things i have said in those teen years. she is seriously my hero.. and i know it sounds "corny" but i really, truly mean that. what an amazing woman.. and GRANNY to my little dude! she loves him as much as i do and would do anything for him.  i'm so thankful he has that sort of grandma that i have as well.

my family should be on my thankful list as a whole. each of them has done something for me without hesitating. my uncle gary gets out of bed at 7am to jump off my car due to a dead battery, my aunt lori has taken my son to school at 7:45am because i couldn't, my uncle john who has bailed me out SO.MANY.TIMES, my granny who has watched luke even though she has limited mobility.. etc. how blessed am i??? but lets talk about someone who REALLY goes unnoticed. samantha. she's my cousin. she's kind of amazing. that girl will answer my text back that i forgot to send allll day at 11pm to say "yes" that she can pick my child up from school. there have been times she has gotten up at 7am to lay with my child while i was at work. she does ...a....lot... for child and i. actually, luke begs to see samantha on my days off. he'd rather be at her house with her and her mario skillzzz than me when i'm at home. i would take offense to this but i don't. i'm so thankful there is someone out there he cares that much about! thank you, sam. seriously. with all of my heart.

my two jobs. the most understanding people at either job. many people don't even have one job in this economy. somehow, i've lucked up with two. the people at the daycare are the sweetest/craziest bunch of

women i have ever met. i have only worked there a short time and have called out a lot due to hospitalizations and illnesses. while i seriously shouldn't have a job there still, i do because they care. for some reason, they understand. they help me. they listen. i can't thank God enough for bringing this job into my life. i love my three-year-olds. although i have lost my voice for the first time while teaching them, i love each of those crazy kids like they are my own. my other job i've been with for 6 years, i love it. i enjoy the people i work with now. those crazy girls at the front end have made me laugh when i've

been too exhausted to smile. i know i could trust them if i needed them. that is hard to say these days.

more soon.

square one. again.

luke's dad is no longer engaged. i've been over him romantically for a while. years even. he began coming around again for a week or two. it was nice; a little pseudo family unit. little dude loved it. he wanted to take pictures of the two of us together (his dad and i). reluctantly at first, i caved. the photo session lasted for about 30 minutes. although as i said -i am over his father-, i'd be lying to myself and everyone else if i didn't share that it felt nice to have a partner to help wrangle the kiddo in. someone who can love luke as much as do; someone who is 50% of him as well.  

i was really ok with his fiance and himself being together. it took a very long time for me to come to that  conclusion but i had accepted it.. and her.. 100%. alas, i get nervous about the future women his dad will date. potential step mothers. will they be good enough? i've found myself worrying about it. i've stalked his facebook page to check if there are any potential suitors. i'm pretty sure there is one. i know i can't pick the partner for him but good grief.. we are as different as night and day.  

and i will admit.. and never admit to admitting this.. i am slightly disappointed that the family unit will never be complete. is that wrong? how can i be over someone and still be disappointed that we will never be together? answer- i'm not sure. i just know that it still feels like rejection every time i'm not a choice.. though i'm positive i'd never accept.  but the question still remains time and time again: why was i never good enough to be the one? why was i never an option for affection? why was i never fought for?

i'm such a walking contradiction.

discipline.

a little part of me gets aggravated when others discipline my child.
especially when they don't understand how he works...

not saying the kid doesn't deserve discipline;
i'd just like to teach people how to talk to him.

health scare number 584 of the year.

hello there, loyal readers. i apologize once again for my absence.

i have an excuse. i promise. 

my kiddo was feeling a little under the weather two weeks ago but i promised him a trip to the national fair. before we left, he threw up. weird, i thought. he never vomits. so i decided to stop in at a medstop to let the doctor take a gander. 

yikes.

there, his pulse ox was 85! yes, 85 at four years old. major concern. so after a chest xray confirming what we thought, to the ER we went. his lungs presented a dark spot.. maybe signifying pneumonia so we wanted answers. fast.

at the ER, he continued having problems moving air in his lungs. he had 2 blood gases drawn (super painful in the artery).. they confirmed a major issue with the gas exchange in his lungs. basically, his oxygenated blood was mixing with his deoxygenated blood. no bueno.  he was placed on 50% oxygen but this didn't increase his pulse ox. after a while, he was placed on 100% o2 and an ambulance ride later, arrived at the local children's hospital. there we spent two nights. grueling nights. you.can.not.sleep. in the hospital. luckily, i have amazing family to visit often and my mother who stayed with us those nights. 

in the end, it was confirmed to be mycoplasmal pneumonia .. and perhaps something else fueling the fire. but definitely mycoplasmal pneumonia. little guy was so puny, it was sad. 

we have since been discharged. as with most pneumonia, it will be a long road to recover 100%. breathing treatments and antibiotics for 14 days as well as regular checks with a pulse oximeter. he seems better. his personality is back. he has even started school again. we are just on high alert. no soccer (bummer!). no running. no outdoors fun. 

i could whine about my house and car being a complete wreck because we haven't had time to unpack or clean. i could cry because i had already used my time up for the last hospitalization so my next two paychecks will be nothing. and i guess by even mentioning it, i am. however, i am a firm believer that God does not give you more than he thinks you can handle. so i'm going to truck along in this messy environment, broke as a joke.. because you know what? the sacrifices are fine as long as my boy is with me. 

and also. thank you so much  to everyone for the prayers, calls, texts, emails, support in general. it was so humbling the people who reached out.  we really felt all of you prayers!

sickness, illness, and death.

yep. i have bronchitis. i can feel in the bases of my lung lobes.
my mom looks like she has thrush except it's actually strept throat.
did i mention we live together?
however, hallelujah. luke is well (fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc).

a guy i used to occasionally hang out with passed away.
his body was found in a cemetery this morning.
the cause of death is yet to be released.
but i heard it may have been a gun shot wound to the head.
so unfortunate.
i feel so sorry for his sister and family.

on a very different note.
there is a 13 year old girl i know who changed my life.
she had a 6 hour invasive surgery two days ago.
please pray that her spiking temperature isn't signs of pneumonia.


xo