good grief.

i feel like some unsuspecting victim is going to feel the Wrath of Rachael soon.  i think i've had enough internalizing and it's about to all come out. i'm a ticking time bomb. (i think i have referred to myself as this before on this blog) several factors. don't you wish you could just say everything you feel without being scared of how that person will react? i have a lot of not-so-nice things to say to some people but i've got that voice in my head saying, "if you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." mommyhood 101. so that is what i'm doing; i'm being "nice". even if it eats me alive.

sometimes it is tough getting through the day. ever since luke started school (ya know, a mere four days ago), he has been exhausted. he has been crying over everything. he is one of those kids that says "i want a toy".. "but i want a toy".. over and over and over. where is the off button on kids? i can only hear "can i play wii when we get home" after saying 'no', so many times before i explode. tonight i had to make a run to walmart for two things: concealer and no-show socks for luke. it was getting late. i was tired. i wanted to be done and go home. i made it very clear before even getting in the car that we would only be getting these two items and we were going home.  it was a nightmare. saying he wanted a toy AT LEAST forty times, followed by rejecting the idea from me, turned into full.blown.crying.tantrum. then he wanted to be held. he's 36 pounds. he's tall. it doesn't sound like a lot but it is when you have to carry it around. so he cried because i wouldn't hold him. soon, i wanted to cry along with him.

times like those i think back to when i was a child. i remember acting crazy in the store and all my mom had to say was, "it's ok. i'm going to tell your dad when we get home." it inflicted immediate fear and then panic mode. i was the perfect angel. worked like a charm. granted, my dad is a lot of things .. but i can count the times he spanked me. it didn't matter. something about a man who is possibly four times to size of little ole me made me straighten up. i don't have that. luke doesn't fear anything. nothing really works. i take toys away. i put him in the corner. i "spank" him. (don't go calling DFACS. that kid gets it easy). nothing phases him. i should add that he is really good for everyone but me. he saves it for me. and i guess if i really think about it, i'd rather it be this way than him be TERRIBLE at school or for a sitter. at least it is my problem and i can handle it.. even when i feel like crawling in a hole.

at the end of the day, i look back to reflect on things that happened during that day. i generally get upset with how i reacted in certain situations. i do wish i was like some of my friends that were put on this world to breed children. who never break a sweat. and only occasionally lose their cool. i have never been that person. i just really hope i don't cause some deep down psychological disorder in my child as he gets older. the kid already has a lot on his plate. his "teammate" needs to be his form of solace. good grief. i need to work on it.


just to show that not everything sucks the life out of me. here are some pictures from the weekend.  quality isn't good; the phone pics, of course.

little dude does indeed have bieber fever.

and he loves posing for pictures. 

he told me to take a picture of him "against this wall". nerd.

my dearest, piper gave birth to five puppies this morning. 

we helped her with her labor. 

the only girl in the litter was a stillborn. 

it is always so sad when that happens.