rut.

i'm stuck in a rut. i guess you could say it is a "down" day. sometimes life is just too much; i need a time out. 

i feel like there isn't enough time in the day. that i'm not doing a very good job at giving my child enough attention. that i'm failing. i feel like my needs aren't being met. 

there is nothing more disheartening than sitting in your child's very first school orientation with the other 21 couples and being the only single mom. hello, south. i did choose a table where a man was sitting without his wife.. because she's still on vacation and he had to come to ask her questions for her. i just felt incomplete. i was holding my head tall because i'm not ashamed of my situation but i still felt something was missing. 

everything boils down to me. i have to ask the questions to the teacher, talk with the other parents (this does feel like dating), make sure my child is capable of interacting with others in the classroom. i have to make sure all of the paperwork is properly in place and taken care of. i ran so many errands today just tying up loose ends with the paperwork involved. the pediatrician had to write a prescription stating luke can't drink or eat anything dairy. that soy milk must be involved. i had to meet the new woman who will pick up luke from school when i can't. i have to pay said woman. sometimes, i feel spread so thin.

and then of course, i lean on people that i know will offer encouraging words. but is it healthy the people i choose? no. they aren't available and really, i'm not capable of being "just friends" with an attractive male. somehow, i will want more. when i can't get what i want, i'm just mad. and then  i question what is wrong with me. never.ending. 

so. i need a break. from life. from attractive men who are always taken. from mommy-duty. just one day. one day i want to be alone and do whatever it is i want to do. or meet new, single friends. do those exist? i'm not sure at the age of 27. they are either engaged, married, pregnant, or going through a divorce. i don't really need to take on anyone else's problems at the moment. sooo not strong enough right now.

but. i know that tomorrow, i will wake up. it will be a new day. i will be one step closer to getting rid of huge zit that is making me look like a teenager. i will go to work. i will make it better than today. it is my son's last night- tomorrow- before he starts school for the next two decades. i'm going to make the most of it. i may even throw him a mom-granny-and luke party. why not?

in the end. i'm the mom. if i'm not going to do it, who will? .. ... exactly. i'm tough.