happy father's day.

dear mr. g,

there have been many moments in life i've ran to you for advice or support. i remember curling up in your lap and smelling the overpowering cologne smell on your chest. for whatever reason, that smell was a safe haven. it made me feel secure and taken care of. i knew you were around when i smelled it. it stayed behind an hour after you would leave the house. i haven't smelled your cologne in years.

as a mother, i don't know how i could ever bring myself to treat my child the way you have treated yours. the insults, accusations, and downright meanness is something i only hope i don't possess. it's unfortunate because on days like today (ie- fathers day), i still miss you. i know you shouldn't even warrant those emotions but i still feel them. i wonder where everything went wrong.

i don't think anything i have said or done should have provoked the blocking of my cell phone number. i can't even contact you anymore. do you even know what that does to me? i wonder if you even think about me most days.

you have a new life now, i understand that. i hope the void you couldn't fill in georgia has been filled there. i hope you are a better husband than you were to my mother. you have a wonderful grandson who doesn't have a living grandfather around. i wonder if you ever think of him? i know he didn't get a birthday present this year. you shouldn't ignore him simply because you have a hatred for me. he is innocent and did nothing.

remember when i got pregnant? you were the reason i decided to keep him. you were so excited for "it" to be a boy. you said you'd coach his baseball team. now look at you. you can't do that half a country away.

 you can pretend your life is great. it is everything you hoped for but i know that if you have any heart at all, you must be conflicted inside for what you have left behind. those grandchildren aren't your blood. those kids aren't your own. how can you walk away from a family you raised for 20+ years and act as though we never existed? it makes me so sad inside that you still talk to my brother when i was the only one for so long that would even answer your phone calls. what did i do to you? i caught you in your lies? i found those emails and calls to another woman? i'm sorry, sir. you can't ruin my family without a fight.

i am, however, thankful for the experiences you have given me. i'm thankful i learned at such an early age not to trust just anyone. even if it is your father. maybe you have made me a cynic; i'm sorry for that. you don't deserve that much impact on my life. and when you told me i wasn't capable of a loving relationship because i can't seem to treat people nicely, i wish i could tell you how much i loved a man. i loved him whole-heartedly this year. i'm sure you'd say he left me because i'm crazy. you have no idea. i treated him fairly. i felt proud of myself for letting someone in after all of the damage you caused. i may be damaged goods because of you but you will never get all of me. i am lovable and i promise not to ruin people the way you have.

happy fathers day (i mean that loosely)

r