MIA.

oops. i've been m.i.a.  we had such a busy weekend. we are now winding down. i'm staying at my grandma's house while my uncle goes on a date in atlanta. um.. yeah. so enough about that. luke is with my mom at our house. this has only happened a couple times in his short life. . i feel at a loss when he isn't with me. grr.

so, here's a recap.

i made this wreath for my beautiful friend. she got married last night and can i say.. it was a fantastic time! i cried like a baby that my wittle girl was getting married. i've known kimster for a decade now since we were high schoolers.. goodness. i love her so much. she is off in st. lucia with her new husband having the time of her life.

took luke to a little greek restaurant this weekend as well. the hummus was so tasty. 

luke's pizza! since little dude has been able to tolerate mozzarella, we enjoy personal pan pizzas. (it's the little victories)

and my tasty chicken gyro! mmm. such a treat.

anyway, i'll be back later with a heart-felt post. i have some things weighing on my heart.

GOD loves single moms.

so, i bought this new book. it is called, God loves single moms. silly, right? well-- whatever. i have seriously felt better since reading it. i get down on some days and sometimes it feels like life is caving in on my head. like the world is working against me. and can this paper write itself? can these idiot drivers get off of the road?  but like i said, the book. it makes me feel slightly better. i'm not alone even if i am, ya know?

i have a seriously busy weekend this week. i have a birthday party and wedding in one day. holy crap. i may be going solo to the wedding. but hey, that's ok if i really have to. i have to enjoy myself if anyone else is going to.

on another note. umm. so ya know when you start talking to someone from a dating website through email and then it moves to texting? .. then you ask if they could send a picture of them self to verify that they really look like what their profile said?. ..  and then you get this picture back and they are 200 pounds heavier and not at all what they said they looked like? and then they keep texting you back asking why you aren't responding? seriously? i mean. that has never happened me before, of course.. i mean. of course. oh- and i'm not superficial. but ya gotta have some physical attraction!

rebutal of sorts.

wow!  i should write about my whorish way more often! i have a whopping 109 visitors so far.. today alone. welcome all :)

anyway, i know i shouldn't entertain the people that disapprove of the content of my website but heck, i don't mind.

i will say that i'm a 27-year-old single mom. pretty sure i'm up front about that. i've been single since my kiddo was born. i get along with my mr. b, little dude's dad. how many people can say that? hi, mr. b! i can count on one hand how many people i've kissed. i can also count on one hand how many people i've had "relations" with.  i'd say that is pretty hard to come by in my generation. in high school, i was known as a prude. i remember when i first started dating (who would later become my high school sweetheart), people would tell me how weird i looked holding some one's hand. as if i wasn't confident enough to make such a public proclamation. it made me laugh.

i took four years off from dating. i did. to get my thoughts together, a "want" list of sorts about who i think would suit me well. i also did some sort-lived therapy to get over the issues i had with men in my life. in january, i thought i was ready. so, i joined match.com. to my surprise, i met someone relatively quickly.  enter big c. hi, big c!  i know that i can be good for someone because he was that. those good guys exist. i found one; one in a million so i know there  are more out there.

things ended but most things do. the thing about me is: i'm not really looking for guy friends. i'm looking for the long term. if i know it just isn't going to work out, i will tell ya "lets just stop talking." i think that is a fair thing to do. after all, i'm a mom first. i don't need my son meeting men left and right. truthfully, i'm only open to one man and i will find him, i'm sure.

now, i know it seems i'm "obsessed" with meeting "the one". however, i'm not. this is my blog. the intent is to blog about things i feel compelled to speak about. through this blog, i have met other amazing single mom's who feel the same way. we are single moms. who do we really have to talk about our inner feelings with? certainly not our children. this all being said, i'm a mom. i wipe up messes. i parent. i teach my son. he is my first thought. in my alone time, i read and do homework. i'm a pretty boring person. i don't sit around dying for a man everyday. no. if it happens, it does. heck, i'm 27! i want more babies. my child bearing is hopefully  not done at 24, you know? so. i bring those things to the blog. it is my outlet, if you will.

and finally. a-hole (i told him i'd refer to him as this although he NOT an a-hole at ALL) is a stand up guy. this is my "fwb" dude. he is pretty awesome and very straight forward. i have respect for him that i don't in most. so really, don't be hard on the dude. he's super nice in my book. it was my bad decision that made me sad yesterday--- not his! 

toodles and stuff.

no more.

hypocrisy; we are all guilty but some more so than others. me? i'm a major hypocrite. you see, i pray daily; more than once. i pray with my son. i pray for forgiveness. i pray for a single mom's group to join. i pray for "the one". i tell myself i'm not going to settle. but what i have done is went against everything i believe in; i decided to diminish myself to be some one's "friends with benefits".

i know it's wrong. but here's the thing. i have needs that are not met. if by trying to find "the one", i have another four year dry spell, i'm not sure i can do that again. i came to this conclusion that i'd take this approach to men (fwb) because if i can't meet a guy who is willing to like me and my "weird", well, i'll just be a guy in return. eventually, he'll see the beauty and independence as a gift. he'll eventually fall for me, i'm sure. i won't be like those other girls. the ones who wait. wait. wait. no, i'm going to be a dude. but did i really have that in me?

i have to say.. the last one never came to fruition. so, no worries there. however, upon learning there was another girl who would be the "girlfriend" eventually, i realized i have lessened myself to the person i never wanted to be again. the backup. i deserve a lot more. and i promise if someone else says "you just haven't met the right guy yet!" .. i'm going to scream. excuse me, i meet lots of men. somehow they never return the feelings. and secretly.. i'm mean, REALLY secretly.. i was left with a twinge of jealousy for the other girl. the girl who did the right thing and has waited. didn't jump the gun. i felt jealous that she is something i am not. she got the guy.

truthfully, i don't know him that well. he's nice enough. i think he has a good head on his shoulders. i think we have a lot in common. and i really secretly (once again).. really thought MAYBE he was what i was looking for. but oh well. alas, another one has come .. very suddenly.. and gone. within a 24 hour period.

..laziness and other issues.

i am beginning to think something is wrong with me. i thought the extreme fatigue is from my hypothyroidism but i'm not so sure anymore. i mean, i take medication with no relief. maybe it is some other level my doctor just hasn't discovered yet. i slept again today. from 4pm to 7:30pm. i feel like such an awful mom. i'm pretty sure my mom is also getting fed up with my "laziness". i'd hate to think it is all about being lazy. grr. i need answers but until that happens, i will just push myself through the days.

in other news, luke and i visited M's church today. it was nice feeling understood as the pastor talked about millennials. aka. my generation. only 15% of my generation goes to church. we are looking for something a little edgier, something substantial. personally, i'm looking for a single mom's class. it doesn't exist in warner robins; i've searched. overall though, the church was a good experience.


...i've reconnected with old friends this past weekend. it was nice while that lasted. goodbyes are tough but such is life.

yes

i have itchy skin. in fact, i take an anti-depressant for the itching. the itching is linked to worrying so to calm down, i was prescribed celexa. my grandpa was a worrier as well. it's what we do.  anyway, point is. last night, i was itching super bad. everywhere.. so i took two benadryl. thank the LORD my mom was off because i didn't wake up until 3:30pm. WHAT. good grief. i wish i could say  i feel like i caught up on needed sleep, but in reality it was that i'm-so-hungover-let-me-just-sleep-it-off sleep. ugh. oh well.

so, after i awoke from the benadryl-induced coma, i felt i needed to make up on my slack parenting skills and do something with the boy. a good friend is getting married next week and since money is tight, i'm making her something. we went to michaels to pick up those things and then headed over to books-a-million to get a book or two. i think the boy was having some fun. after, i treated him to some ihop  where he thought it CRAZY to eat pancakes at 9pm. he loved it.

and the questions begin..

today was one of those days i cherish because it was just little dude and i. captain america came out last night in theaters so i knew that was on the agenda for the day. after a few rounds of wii games, we got our clothes on and headed to the new theater.  we had never been there so we decided to make it an adventure and try new things. the movie was good. luke loved it as i assumed he would. 

afterward, we made a quick walk next door to stevi b's. for those without them in your town, it is just a pizza buffet place that has an arcade room for kiddos to enjoy. it was a special treat for two reasons: luke has always been allergic to pizza but has recently been able to tolerate mozzarella and because the arcade has games and.. well, he is kinda obsessed with games at the moment. 

it was the first time i've seen him visibly upset without knowing why. i could see the wheels in his little brain turning and the saddest face ever.  i asked him, "why the sad face?" he asked me why his daddy didn't come to arcade with us. why his daddy didn't live with us.  it attacked my heart. i knew this day would come. i figured maybe after school started. just not today. today was a luke and mama day. it wasn't for sad faces and tough questions. but alas, it happened. i had to give an answer as the other dad's were helping their kids collect lots of tickets from the games they played.

first, i told him that some daddies and mamas just aren't "together". they don't live together. they don't kiss. but they still love their sons and daughters. they love hanging out with them and doing fun things. i told him i was sorry his daddy wasn't with him. that he couldn't come because he lived far away. but he'd see him another day and they could have fun then. he seemed okay with this answer however, i kept catching him staring at the other dads with their kids. so, what did i do? bought $5 more in tokens so we could get a really big special prize once we cashed them in. a present always works at age four, right? goodness.

it was sobering. i know that he loves me. he knows i care so much. he still calls us a "team". but i also realize he is getting to that age where he is aware of other relationships. he is aware of the "norm" (if having two parents together is the norm these days). soon, he will be in school (like. 2 weeks. boo) and have friends who have their own house with a mommy and daddy and a brother or sister. he will bring more than homework home, i'm sure. the questioning with ensue and i'm preparing for the "right" answer. i wish so badly he had a normal life. for now, here is to hoping i can be enough. 

. . til next time.