dear. you.

warning. i'm slightly under the influence of alcohol as i post this. don't judge. i haven't been out since new years.


anyway. i will let you in on a little secret.

while i was in florida i got this awesome email from a potential mate. the email progressed to texting. while in florida, he made me feel excited to return home. he only lived roughly 15  minutes away- awesome. i mean, if i didn't respond soon he'd send another. the person i've always wanted. that affirmation and reassurance. we met. it was nice. we talked for 3 hours on the phone. i was happy. big c, who?  then the texts starting easing away. oh, ok. . um. i'm not sure what happened. but it did. it frustrated me. again, that pulling away thing- i hate it. it hurts so much. then we went to a baseball game. it didn't go as planned. thoughts like "does this guy even care to be in my presence" crossed my mind. but we hung out again. with our kids. the kids got along swimmingly. he barely talked to me. i don't think i was anything to him. then we get to tonight.

we spent the day together. i mentioned i may see him out. then he admits to being on a blind date. maybe i have too much respect .. but i'm so respectful when i'm talking to someone. getting to know someone. a potential mate. so, the blind date crushed my heart. not only that, we ran in to each other. what did i get??? a freaking WAVE. as he was leaving. seriously? did you not just spend the day with me and you're going to act like i'm nothing?? and then i get tipsy. the drunk texts ensue. no response. so. i call. drunk, remember? HE HAS HIS FREAKING PHONE OFF. i let you meet my child and you aren't acting as though i am shit on your shoe???

i don't deserve this. it hurts so much. his initial texts were so pleasing. i was so excited. but now.... now i just don't know.  i wanted so much more than this. i'm so upset.