a daily cycle.

it was said best that he ended it with me so i should only expect him to be back on match.com. while i fully understand this concept, i truly didn't think he was that type of person. he isn't that type of person. he is so respectful otherwise. i guess it is just difficult on my part because i did activate the account again. i did it to boost my poorly, broken ego. i wanted the compliments. being on there just shows you how good you had it now that it is gone. it isn't serving any good in my life. sure, i'm getting attention but not from anyone i'd remotely be interested in. i'm just sad. deeply sad. i hate the feeling that i'm alone in this. that i wasted those months on someone who has no remorse for the situation. someone who couldn't spare a little time to be sad. or be affected.. as i have a hard time getting out of bed to face the day. he is ok. did i waste those feelings for someone undeserving? i dont know. probably never will. 

i know my family is getting sick of me talking about it. my family also has their spouse from high school so they don't know what a broken heart is truly like. ripped, stomped on, and replaced. or was it replaced? something has to make me hurt so much. 

want to know what i did last night? after discovering him on match again, i wrote a few emails in my rage, then cried myself to sleep. this isn't a sympathy plea. i don't need that. i'm reflecting for someday when i have it good again, i will appreciate it because i know what i've had to overcome. anyway, i woke up every hour to check my phone to see if i had an email response or text. just a simple "im sorry". but why would he be sorry? he isn't mine any longer and i'm sure he wants someone else. i'm just having a hard time with the someone else part. 

you know what would be fabulous? if i could pick up the phone and call my dad. "dad, he took my heart and ripped it out. make it better." but i can't. he blocked my phone number from calling him. plus- why burden him in his new life.

i had dreams last night about big c. i lied awake for a long while and thought of  the times i'd sleep in his bed. we never actually got much sleep because we were too busy talking. we had good conversation in those early hours of the morning. i'd lie on his chest and rub my hand through his scruff.  i'd hate it when the sun would begin to seep in through the window to the left. that meant the day would begin soon and we'd have to go our separate ways. i hated leaving him. it was just our little world when we were together. i enjoyed it. the world is a prettier place when you have someone beside you.

instead, i slept next to my beautiful son. he was passed out to my left with his feet on my stomach. to keep myself from crying too loud, i'd pull him in tight and for a moment - i didn't feel alone. don't get me wrong, i absolutely love my son. my world revolves around him. i'm happy he is safe, smart, and healthy. but mama needs someone to love her too. an adult love that you don't have with your children. i miss it already.