lucid.

im sitting here at my granny's house because she can't be left alone.  she can't stop talking about big c and how she doesn't understand what happened. it is funny; she has Alzheimer's but she can remember big c and the two times she met him. it is funny the things the mind retains. everyone knows the big c subject is off limits but because my granny is lucid at the moment, i'm going to embrace it and listen to her advice. surprisingly, she has good advice. she was married for 50 years; she should i suppose.

some questions she is asking me as i type this: 

he seemed really nice and cared about you; what happened? i don't know, gran. he did care about us. he just needs some time because of his job.

well, doesn't he know he isn't going to find anyone who cares as much as you and a job is just a job? it is hard to find love. i'm astonished this came from her mouth. i didn't know the old gal had it in her. so i say: you are right, gran. but sometimes we  can't control what others want despite what we want.

do you think it is because you have a child? i'm not sure, to be honest. but he knew from day one that i had a son so i don't think that is an acceptable reason.

well, it isn't you, rachael. don't think there is something wrong with you. he'll realize what he missed out on. tears in my eyes at this point. you are right granny. (i'm so thankful for this conversation. it has been so long since i had a good conversation with her since the disease has taken over her personality.)

so, now i'll retreat to watching the tv with my granny. the andy griffith show, i course. i miss the old her. but for now, she's here and i'm going to embrace it.