Tuesday, August 19, 2014


wednesday is here and i am still digging through
my coat pockets for
the words i scrawled on a paper towel,
the letters that spelled Change and Beginning.
i suppose that
is where all of us are hovering.
but my fingers
can't reach in that far. i've been letting them
 over the tops of freshly lined paper
 with the blue ink still burning
but i cannot penetrate my own audience.
         sometimes i feel lost
      in the language of mass cultures
      and in the surrounding heart beat of
      people i've never met.
i only want to touch something
inside your chest or on the small of the back,
and carve there
 some kind of legitimacy.
i want you to pretend that
the small things matter when i enlarge them like this.
i still don't have the words to
describe being infinite, or the discipline
to pick out individual instruments
from a song. from the very first note
they crash together like bodies dancing
  to form a single period
   at the end of a life-long sentence.
the songs are all the same
with a beginning and an end,
except for the hushed secrets
            that live in the quiet parts.
            the silence between falling down
               and getting back up again.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

weddings! braves! etc.

Things of late: 

We went to a Braves game and Weezer played an after show. WOO HOO! My high school self was doing cartwheels. They were so good. Luke and I danced together and met up with friends for the show portion. It was on a school night so he felt extra "cool". 

Samantha got married:

Luke  was the ring bearer and I did the music. I have the blisters on my feet to prove that I had a great time. So . much. dancing.

Tomorrow I start a new job and of course I'm overwhelmed, nervous, and excited. I'll miss my co-workers at Think but I know that I'm making the right choice. I am a little concerned about working in Buckhead (traffic!!) but there's always some give and take. More money, for the win.

After being put on a new medication recently, I've lost 16 pounds in a month.. woo!

I'll write something better later. I've been so busy with freelance projects. I can't complain.

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Over the last two weeks I've collected a few autoimmune disease diagnoses.  Pair that with being alone in Atlanta for the summer as well as three bald spots and you've got yourself a view of me throwing a few too many pity parties.  I'm just thankful for friends that realized this without me having to tell them and pushing me to go out and blow off some steam.  Sure, I didn't really want to go out to eat or go swimming or be social at all.. but I did and I felt so much better after it.  Tomorrow starts a new lifestyle change (hello gluten-free, dairy-free, egg-free life) so hopefully I'll be able to feel better and maybe "normal".

I found this letter on the internet and I think I was doing fist pumps inside as I read it. It's the most accurate thing about one of my issues that I've ever read.

I Am Hashimoto's 

Hi.  My name is Hashimoto's.  I'm an invisible autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid gland causing you to become hypothyroid. I am now velcroed to you for life. 
Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me.
I can attack you anywhere and any way I please.
I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.
Remember when you and energy ran around together and had fun?
I took energy from you, and gave you exhaustion. Try to have fun now.
I can take good sleep from you and in its place, give you brain fog and lack of concentration.
I can make you want to sleep 24/7, and I can also cause insomnia.
I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal.
I can also give you swollen hands and feet, swollen face and eyelids, swollen everything.
I can make you feel very anxious or very depressed, too. I can also cause other mental health problems.
I can make your hair fall out, become dry and brittle, cause acne, cause dry skin, the sky is the limit with me.
I can make you gain weight and no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, I can keep that weight on you. I can also make you lose weight. I don't discriminate.
Some of my other autoimmune disease friends often join me, giving you even more to deal with.
If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away from you. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:
That virus or viruses you had that you never really recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma (I thrive on stress.) You may have a family history of me. Whatever the cause, I'm here to stay.
I hear you're going to see a doctor to try and get rid of me. That makes me laugh.  Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively.
You will be put on the wrong medication for you, pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants.
There are so many other ways I can make you sick and miserable, the list is endless - that high cholesterol, gall bladder issue, blood pressure issue, blood sugar issue, heart issue among others? That's probably me.
Can't get pregnant, or have had a miscarriage?
That's probably me too.
Teeth and gum problems? TMJ? I told you the list was endless.
You may be given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away.
You'll be told to think positively, you'll be poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken seriously when you try to explain to the endless number of doctors you've seen, just how debilitating I am and how sick you really feel.  In all probability you will get a referral from these 'understanding'  (clueless) doctors, to see a psychiatrist.
Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and just how debilitating I am.
Some of them will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago.
They'll  also say things like,  "if you just get up and move, get outside and do things, you'll feel better." They won't understand that I take away the 'gas' that powers your body and mind to ENABLE you to do those things.
Some will start talking behind your back, they'll call you a hypochondriac, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially if you are in the middle of a conversation with a "normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next. You'll be told things like, "Oh, my grandmother had that, and she's fine on her medication" when you desperately want to explain that I don't impose myself upon everyone in the exact same way, and just because that grandmother is fine on the medication SHE'S taking, doesn't mean it will work for you.
The only place you will get the kind of support and understanding in dealing with me is with other people that have me. They are really the only ones who can truly understand.
I am Hashimoto's Disease.

Monday, June 30, 2014

bucket o' list.

  1. try creme brulee
  2. go for a hot air balloon ride
  3. visit the following places: 
    • london
    • travel the west coast from seattle to southern california
    • austin
    • new york, again.. many times 
    • tampa (move there?)
    • costa rica
    • boston and more of the northeast 
    • austraila 
    • france
    • disney world
  4. achieve my ideal weight
  5. solely freelance
  6. see the braves at another stadium - out of state, not cobb county
  7. drive PCH (see places to travel)
  8. go camping
  9. see a live jimmy fallon show  
  10. learn how to show feelings
  11. sit on a jury
  12. fall deeply in love -- helplessly and unconditionally
  13. karaoke?
  14. find the perfect drink for me
  15. give up soda
  16. ask someone on a date
  17. say what i really feel in the exact moment i feel it
  18. write my will
  19. ride the london eye
  20. forgive my dad
  21. volunteer with cancer kids
  22. make the first move
  23. visit Auschwitz
  24. and the Anne Frank museum
  25. and the holocaust museum in DC
  26. catch a ball at a Braves game


What is more maddening than falling for someone that is taken? Why is it that it takes so much for me to genuinely like someone and when I do - for the first time in two years, no less - it is for someone I can't have?  I think I like punishing myself. haha.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

I'm worth it.

These are just some examples of the awesome people I've encountered on two different dating apps. Here's the thing: I'm not asking for anything extraordinary. I don't want someone to open the door for me every time; in fact, it makes me feel awkward. I'm not looking for someone with six pack abs and *has* to go to the gym everyday.  I think what I want is rational and reasonable. Why does anyone think it's ok to talk to someone like any of those above instances?

Here's what I know:

I'm a single mom. I have been since day 1. Sure, I've had two little sprinkles of relationships over the past 7 years but for the majority of it, I've been single.  However, I think becoming a mom has made me a better person and ultimately a better partner for someone. I have a past with a few of those 'crazy' relatives but who doesn't?  I 've been to school,  I have a job, I support myself. I'd expect the same of you.  I can take care of myself and I don't particularly need anyone to make me feel safe but would that be nice? Sure.  It'd be nice to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  I do love romantic comedies so someone will have to endure the occasional chick-flick. I also hate whistling... so please stop. My music will always be better than yours but I'll go to a show with you if you want me to as long as you realize you'll come more Butch Walker shows than you can count. You'll also have to listen to me talk about how beautiful he is. Just remember, I'm faithful, devoted, and when I'm in? I'm in. I love fiercely and if I see something that reminds me of you, I will buy it. I don't expect anything in return. I don't like drinking in front of my child and I'd appreciate the same of you. Remember that he comes first. He will always be my number one. I can't go places at the drop of a hat. I'm a planner. I have to be.  Surprise me. Wouldn't that be nice?  I'm not a flowers and chocolate girl... write me a note.  I lasts longer. Romance makes me nervous but change my mind. I have a hard time showing emotion. Be patient. 

I'm worth it. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

A Happy List.

  • longer days. something about the sun staying out until 7-8pm just makes me happy
  • warmer weather. as much as i love snow, i'd really like to not freeze every time i take henry out to use the bathroom
  • baseball. the braves are back and while i'm unsure of how i feel about them this year (hello, cobb county braves!), i can't help but get excited to see games nearly every night on tv or in person. also, seeing luke so obsessed with jason heyward.
  • my boss being the best. i've never had such a caring boss. he's our biggest fan and really fights for us.
  • aloe water. it's just SO good.
  • friends. i've got a few good ones.
  • spring break. i'm childless for the longest time since luke was born. it's liberating yet sad. 
  • dateline, greys anatomy, new girl, and the mindy project. my shows. yes please.
  • dvr. so i can watch said shows when i get the chance.
  • most of all, family. samantha is getting married and it's just a really good time for us.