brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

discipline.

a little part of me gets aggravated when others discipline my child.
especially when they don't understand how he works...

not saying the kid doesn't deserve discipline;
i'd just like to teach people how to talk to him.

rebutal of sorts.

wow!  i should write about my whorish way more often! i have a whopping 109 visitors so far.. today alone. welcome all :)

anyway, i know i shouldn't entertain the people that disapprove of the content of my website but heck, i don't mind.

i will say that i'm a 27-year-old single mom. pretty sure i'm up front about that. i've been single since my kiddo was born. i get along with my mr. b, little dude's dad. how many people can say that? hi, mr. b! i can count on one hand how many people i've kissed. i can also count on one hand how many people i've had "relations" with.  i'd say that is pretty hard to come by in my generation. in high school, i was known as a prude. i remember when i first started dating (who would later become my high school sweetheart), people would tell me how weird i looked holding some one's hand. as if i wasn't confident enough to make such a public proclamation. it made me laugh.

i took four years off from dating. i did. to get my thoughts together, a "want" list of sorts about who i think would suit me well. i also did some sort-lived therapy to get over the issues i had with men in my life. in january, i thought i was ready. so, i joined match.com. to my surprise, i met someone relatively quickly.  enter big c. hi, big c!  i know that i can be good for someone because he was that. those good guys exist. i found one; one in a million so i know there  are more out there.

things ended but most things do. the thing about me is: i'm not really looking for guy friends. i'm looking for the long term. if i know it just isn't going to work out, i will tell ya "lets just stop talking." i think that is a fair thing to do. after all, i'm a mom first. i don't need my son meeting men left and right. truthfully, i'm only open to one man and i will find him, i'm sure.

now, i know it seems i'm "obsessed" with meeting "the one". however, i'm not. this is my blog. the intent is to blog about things i feel compelled to speak about. through this blog, i have met other amazing single mom's who feel the same way. we are single moms. who do we really have to talk about our inner feelings with? certainly not our children. this all being said, i'm a mom. i wipe up messes. i parent. i teach my son. he is my first thought. in my alone time, i read and do homework. i'm a pretty boring person. i don't sit around dying for a man everyday. no. if it happens, it does. heck, i'm 27! i want more babies. my child bearing is hopefully  not done at 24, you know? so. i bring those things to the blog. it is my outlet, if you will.

and finally. a-hole (i told him i'd refer to him as this although he NOT an a-hole at ALL) is a stand up guy. this is my "fwb" dude. he is pretty awesome and very straight forward. i have respect for him that i don't in most. so really, don't be hard on the dude. he's super nice in my book. it was my bad decision that made me sad yesterday--- not his! 

toodles and stuff.

walt disney. psychic.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

mr. walt disney, were you ahead of your time? i think so. 

i'm baaack.

i guess going on vacation is going on vacation from life. we all need that sometimes, right? but alas, i'm back now. to reality. with a broken motor to the window in my car. the darn thing broke in south georgia on my way home from florida yesterday. $300 to fix the thing. yikes! but lets not focus on the negative.

the trip was better than i had imagined. we tried new things, went new places, and experienced a few firsts for luke. i made a few hole-in-one's while playing putt putt and still lost. incredible. i never said sports was my forte anyway!

my beautiful friend kristina entered marriage yesterday. she looked gorgeous and i can't think of anyone more deserving of such a thing. it did prompt an emotion i wasn't expecting though.

i will never have a wedding. i don't mind the marriage part of it. i like a little officiality in my life. however, the act of spending lots of money to profess my love for someone in front of people and being the center of attention is not something that sounds appealing. i hate being the center of attention. i'm not a good hostess so the idea of "mingling" with guests to make sure you show your face and appreciation is something that is hive-inducing. i can understand why women love this idea. honestly, i'd love to dress up fancy shamancy and be with the one i love however, the money.. the attention. it just isn't something i think i'm capable of doing!

don't get me wrong. i want to be in love with someone. i want to find that someone i can't wait to see again and the thought of being apart makes me hurt. i like the idea of marriage and the paper and the binding. i hope one day i'm able to experience that. i hope i'm able to supply my son with someone who will be there daily. a man that loves him. a relationship i can model out of love that he can learn from.

maybe one day i'll be so lucky. wouldn't it be amazing to that reciprocated? ah! i can only dream.

four year check-up

turning four is hard work. you get this loooong break from getting routine shots and then four comes along and makes up for those years you didn't have any.

that's just what we did today. little dude got four shots and one finger prick. can i tell you that he handled it like a champ?? i was SO proud. he didn't cry at all from the finger prick, in fact he thought it was kinda cool to see his blood fill up the little sample. this checked his hemoglobin; 11. he's normal!

he had to endure his first eye exam. i have to say, i was impressed. i wasn't sure what to expect seeing as he's never done something with that much instruction. he passed. he was able to tell the nurse what shapes he saw (star, moon, circle, etc). he also had a hearing test that i *think* he did well with. it is hard to tell with four year old's. they don't exactly understand the concept of raising your hand when you hear a sound. but, he reacted so i know he can hear. (even if he does pretend not to sometimes)

he got to pee in a cup. the only directions to follow were to NOT pee on mama's hands. he didn't, i was happy. he filled the whole cup up. haha.

it was finally time for the shots. poor guy thought this was just like getting his allergy shots in his arm. he didn't cry for all 40 of those but after he realized it wasn't going to be that type of shot, he got slightly anxious.  he sat in my lap and i held his hands. before actually inserting the vaccine into his leg,  he realized how large the needle was and started to cry. two quick shots into each leg, he was done. he did cry huge crocodile tears.. but that only last for a maximum of 2 minutes. i was so proud. he's such a trooper.

before we left our exam room, i told him there were other kids in the waiting room waiting for their shots. he told me he'd better stop crying so he doesn't scare them. he did just that and received a new ball and alligator for his prize from the doctor.

so, now we are all set for pre-k. i can't believe my little boy is going to ALL DAY school! what am i going to do??  i'm so proud of that kiddo.

so, here are his stats:

36 pounds (50th percentile) -- um, can i tell you how HARD we have worked to be over 30 pounds?? he has never been on the percentile chart because he has always been so underweight. it is such a shocker that he is average now! woo hoo lukie!
41 inches tall (50-75th percentile )-- he is so excited because this qualifies him to ride the BIG waterslides at the park next week!!

happy father's day.

dear mr. g,

there have been many moments in life i've ran to you for advice or support. i remember curling up in your lap and smelling the overpowering cologne smell on your chest. for whatever reason, that smell was a safe haven. it made me feel secure and taken care of. i knew you were around when i smelled it. it stayed behind an hour after you would leave the house. i haven't smelled your cologne in years.

as a mother, i don't know how i could ever bring myself to treat my child the way you have treated yours. the insults, accusations, and downright meanness is something i only hope i don't possess. it's unfortunate because on days like today (ie- fathers day), i still miss you. i know you shouldn't even warrant those emotions but i still feel them. i wonder where everything went wrong.

i don't think anything i have said or done should have provoked the blocking of my cell phone number. i can't even contact you anymore. do you even know what that does to me? i wonder if you even think about me most days.

you have a new life now, i understand that. i hope the void you couldn't fill in georgia has been filled there. i hope you are a better husband than you were to my mother. you have a wonderful grandson who doesn't have a living grandfather around. i wonder if you ever think of him? i know he didn't get a birthday present this year. you shouldn't ignore him simply because you have a hatred for me. he is innocent and did nothing.

remember when i got pregnant? you were the reason i decided to keep him. you were so excited for "it" to be a boy. you said you'd coach his baseball team. now look at you. you can't do that half a country away.

 you can pretend your life is great. it is everything you hoped for but i know that if you have any heart at all, you must be conflicted inside for what you have left behind. those grandchildren aren't your blood. those kids aren't your own. how can you walk away from a family you raised for 20+ years and act as though we never existed? it makes me so sad inside that you still talk to my brother when i was the only one for so long that would even answer your phone calls. what did i do to you? i caught you in your lies? i found those emails and calls to another woman? i'm sorry, sir. you can't ruin my family without a fight.

i am, however, thankful for the experiences you have given me. i'm thankful i learned at such an early age not to trust just anyone. even if it is your father. maybe you have made me a cynic; i'm sorry for that. you don't deserve that much impact on my life. and when you told me i wasn't capable of a loving relationship because i can't seem to treat people nicely, i wish i could tell you how much i loved a man. i loved him whole-heartedly this year. i'm sure you'd say he left me because i'm crazy. you have no idea. i treated him fairly. i felt proud of myself for letting someone in after all of the damage you caused. i may be damaged goods because of you but you will never get all of me. i am lovable and i promise not to ruin people the way you have.

happy fathers day (i mean that loosely)

r

tooth asparagus.

ah. the tooth pain is back. because, why not? it isn't done yet. thankfully, i'll get it fixed june 7th. can i wait that long? dear lord i hope so.


fun fact.


only 1 in 4 people have the gene to smell asparagus.

truthfully, i don't think i'm one of them.