Happy birthday to ME

Whew!! I had cake with my family, my brother was in town so we took photos in engagement poses (haha), I went to Atlanta and hung out with friends.. I had waaaayyyy too much fun!

Christmas 2012.

Christmas 2012 = Success.

I hope you all had a fabulous day!

Merry.

Have a lovely holiday, guys.

f it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. sometimes, it’s the only way.

picture heavyyyyy

holy crap! i've been busy.

finals, two christmas parties, kid was almost hospitalized, etc... i guess pictures will explain better.

for tradition's sake, laila and i lost our minds while studying for our 

programming final and did this silly photo shoot. (lexi joined us!)

yep.. this happened (a lot). 2nd quarter in the bag!

so after finishing up my last final, i came home in the middle of the night to a kid 

with lungs not moving air well. . 

so, the doctor it was. it took 2 one hour treatments to allow us to leave the doctor. 

she even said had i not been used to this, she would have hospitalized him. 

that night, he really wanted to do something christmas related. 

however, being outside wasn't an option. christmas lights drive-thru 

at chik fila did the trick.

this cutie was given to a sweet family with two young girls.

he's so adorable.

ah! i've lost quite a few pounds! success!

i took this at a retail complex. this was after the sandy hook shooting.

tragic.

i ate two chocolates and both had the same thing inside.

hmmmmm...

we had a mom and luke day date.

i was so nice and long overdue.

i always forget how hilarious he is.

oh, and we christmas-ified the house.

a little car nap in the parking lot of the school before panel.

laila, lauren, and i at our secret santa christmas party.

laila's awesome present to me!!!

ugly christmas sweater party at fado! great times.

i want this. bad.

my sleeping friends in atlanta.

merry christmas!

im sick. boooo.

things you want to say to an ex // your views on mainstream music

blog challenge topic today makes me a bit hesitant. something i'd like to say to ex? .. it's all been said before and thankfully, i'm past it.  so i'm going to bypass this topic and skip to the next. there's nothing i'd really say that needs to be said. no hard feelings with any of them.

so. next topic.  views on mainstream music. 

as i get older, i find myself knowing more mainstream music than i used to. i went through that, "i'm too cool for pop music" phase. but whatever. i can embrace the crappy synthesizers and computer vocals. i guess.

but not nickelback. sick. or anyone that has vocals like his.

and rap-rock. kid rock? but now he's country? no. bon jovi on the country station now? shame.

but i loooooove kings of leon, gotye, kanye west, jay-z, the lumineers, taylor swift.. etc. so. i'm ok with it. 

the line stops at bieber. ew. and rhianna. although that birthday cake song is good.

i'm a contradiction.

bullet your whole day.

• luke walks in my room around 9am, talking talking talking, and waking me up. he climbs in my bed.
• we snuggle and he watches youtube videos.
• he asks for breakfast, i decide breakfast in bed.
• i nap through his saturday morning cartoons.
• when they're over, i wake up, check my email, facebook, texts, phone calls, instagram, and whatever else i'm connected to.
• we get out of bed and on this particular day, my mom is off so we talk a while and i help her get our christmas tree out of the garage.
• 2pm we put the christmas tree together 
• i give luke his lunch and hop in the shower.
• i throw my clothes in the dryer to get the wrinkles out and start putting on my makeup, getting ready to go to work.
• get dressed, go get gas, come home.
• give lukester and puppies kisses and bid farewell.
• head to target by 3:45... and work/text until 11:30pm.
• hollar. i'm off . 
• get home and can't make it out of the car yet. i check my email/perezhiltion and have a moment to myself in my car.
• 12pm get out of the car, give piper a snack, and head to the shower.
• now i'm in bed writing this and about to do final projects.

yess.

what a fabulous life i lead.

a book you love.

i have to say that my favorite book has always been the bell jar by sylvia plath. i read it once in college for a book report and fell in love. i recently saw the movie, Sylvia with gwyneth paltrow. so. good. anyway, i loved the struggle she had with happiness and never giving up on her husband though she knew he was long gone. it was devastating how she ended her life. those poor kids.

if i'm being honest, i'm kinda obsessed with 50 shades of grey. holy. crap. it has revived something in me. guilty pleasure.

something you feel strongly about.

yes, i'm a little late with this blog post. it was intended for yesterday however, i was at school from 9 am to almost 10pm. yea! finals! whew! i also have a new friend of the male species so i've been glued to my phone. yeehaw. -

anyway.. the blog challenge topic on the list today is something you feel strongly about.

there's a lot of things i feel strongly about to be honest. lets talk about something that i have strong feelings about that has recently been an "issue" in my life. marijuana. 

you can say what you want. "it isn't a drug." , "it's harmless." , "it is was less worse than drinking.", etc. and you know what? i agree that is not as bad as drinking. but you know what else? it still makes you experience something that isn't natural to your body. it changes the way you act. i also believe it can be a gateway to other drugs. and you can disagree. that's fine. but whatever you may be thinking or want to say to me is probably something i've already heard. i'm also never going to change my stance. 

you see, i grew up in household where my first memory was stuffing my barbie doll down a bong and pretending she was in one of those enclosed water slides. yes, i probably four. i'm not a believer in sheltering your children. i think that making a topic "taboo" only makes them want to experience whatever it is more. HOWEVER, i think it's a bit ridiculous that my parents smoked out in a bedroom with all windows and doors closed with my brother and i inside. 

imagine being in d.a.r.e. class and your officer showing you what various drugs look like and realizing "omg. my parents do that!" .. i threatened to tell my d.a.r.e. officer on my parents. true story. my mom quit that day. (2nd grade)

anyway, i will not be in a relationship that likes to smoke cigarrettes; much less pot. i hate it. it brings back the memories of living with a dad that was high 90% of the time. it was annoying, embarrassing, and aggravating. every time i see someone who is high, it throws me back to that time when i'd look at my dad with those glassy eyes and that smell...... good.lord. that smell. and i am immediately filled with resentment. why couldn't my parents just be normal? why couldn't my dad just be a functioning adult and be the typical dad that was there for his kids? why did he always have to be inhibited? did i ever really know his personality without drugs? probably not. 

in·hib·it·ed  

/inˈhibitid/

Adjective Unable to act in a relaxed and natural way because of self-consciousness or mental restraint. i'm not saying that all people that smoke pot are like my dad. however, given the choice.. i will not be with someone who partakes in such activities. this does not make me a prude; this is just something i feel strongly about. if you grew up in my house with my dad, you wouldn't judge me.

five ways to win your heart

i'm taking part in a 30-day writer's blog challenge. there's a list of topics to do for 30 days. i'm a little late but i couldn't resist. the reason i stopped this blog is because i couldn't post any positive thoughts. this way, it will force me to.

day one: five ways to win your heart

1. do the little things. surprise me with giving me your sweater when i'm cold (without asking), leave me a nice letter about how much you love or want me. simple stuff. it means a lot. 
2. spend time with my son. he can be relentless because lets face it, he hasn't had a male in his life. he loves it when there is one around. he will want you to play video games or go on scavenger hunts. it gets to be tiring but it really touches me when someone goes above and beyond. especially when my son feels special as well.
3. cook a meal for me. without me asking.
4. have meaningful conversations with me. and listen. when you listen and remember what i've said, it speaks volumes.
5. get to know my family. and be active in my family. and wear shoes and that aren't white! white shoes turn me off.

there.

hanging up.

it's been a fun ride since i started this blog in 2010.
however, i'm hanging up my blogger cap as of today.

thanks for reading my journey.
thanks for the memories.


i can be found here (http://thecreativecircuslife.blogspot.com/).
this blog will primarily focus on school-related topics and/or projects.


xo
rachael

GRANNY

i know a lot of you keep up with me on here.


despite the bull shit with my nonexistent love life as of late,
please take a moment to keep my granny in your thoughts and/or prayers.
family ALWAYS comes first.

thanks-

pause.

so.stressed.out.  burning the candle at both ends. holy.crap.

LGBT, MARTIAL BLISS..

i'm in the middle of completing a paper about LGBT rights and social movements in the U.S. i've been thinking about this topic often lately. i guess because my class i'm in is making me pick a topic of interest and this just seems to be fitting. (sarah, my bff is a lesbian) 

what if we weren't allowed to be married legally because we loved someone of the same sex? could you imagine? love is so hard to find and if one is able to achieve that lifelong dream of finding "the one", why strip the right away to publicly proclaim that affection by denying someone the right? ludicrous.  

i pride myself on exposing my kiddo to people of all sorts. my brother is engaged to a black girl. sarah and tommiah are openly "gay" around my son. he has seen me hug and kiss a guy. he doesn't question this; the differences. he just sees love. i wish we all had that about us. innocence is lost as we get older. just think about your teenage relationships; less complicated and easier because there wasn't anything to compare  to. likely, we didn't have scars yet from experiences. i wish i could wash off my scars sometimes.. but usually i wear them with pride. without them, i wouldn't be me.

ah, this has turned into this philosophical post. somewhat cliche. everything that has been said before. but.. it's just what i've been thinking about lately.

the other day i was in american eagle. they had a table of clearance items; coffee table books, etc. there was one about "fortune cookies for names". anyway, i sometimes believe in signs. (ie- all of the traffic lights are green in the morning when i'm running late..) well, my name.. or rather rachEL said "you will experience martial bliss". i'm not going to lie.. i kind of got excited??.. but it's the little things that keep us going.

so, where is my marital bliss? haha. 

looking back, it almost marks a year since BIG C and i began dating. i was so sure we'd be together forever. i imagined being engaged by now. but. an ex is an ex is an ex.. and he must remain in ex land.

i can see the finish line...

i calculated my expected graduation date from college; december 2012. can i get a HECK YES!!!?!?!?!? granted, this may turn into january 2013 but i'm ok with that. what's another two weeks? i've been going for 10 years.. that is a decade if you didn't know. wow. it gives me something to work toward and look forward to.  a few things have to happen first--

i have to apply and be accepted as an intern at a hospital for my internship hours to be qualified to take the certification test to become a child-life specialist. how is that for a run-on sentence?  unfortunately, there is only one children's hospital around me that only accepts interns twice a year. the other hospitals are two hours away or more. yikes. i really hope i can get on at the hospital nearby. otherwise, i'm not sure what i'd do about living if i had to work 40 hours with no pay in an expensive city!

.. then there is the actual working as an intern. how would i manage two jobs, school full time, be a mama, and intern 40 hours a week for four months with no pay.. and still survive? double yikes.

and of course, to make this all happen.. i will have to take two classes every six weeks (and pass) to graduate on time.

... but you know what?? i'm determined! it will happen. i will make sure of it. and as far as the no pay and being a mom.. i guess i'll figure it out when it happens!

WOO TO THE HOO FOR BEING A COLLEGE GRAD.

i think that one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing you have disappointed someone or yourself. i'm not sure which is worse. i've unfortunately done both recently and there's nothing i can do to resolve either situation. 

i've lost my gumption. i need to regain that and finish the things that need to be done. i need to be a better friend; be told that someone is proud of me. i cannot wait for the day someone tells me they are proud. that's going to be the most exciting day of my life. ..  besides giving birth, of course. 

i joined match.com again. third time's a charm? .. we'll see. i'd like a little companionship on the side.

resolution.

i decided against the new years dude. i'm just not built for that. . and i'm actually ok! 

my boy woke up sick again this morning. rather than going to the doctor, we just called. his md basically said that little dude should just claim the name of "bubble boy". yay for windy, cold days! poor asthmatic lungs. so alas, we are home again on the day that school is back in.

in other news, i decided to keep it simple with the resolutions this year.

be intentional. i like to think i'm a fun mom. i discipline when i need to. he isn't exposed to "drama" or smoking, drinking, etc. he is in fact, a bubble boy. but this year, i want to put down the phone. stop reading the facebook messages, stalking people's pictures and posts, reading blogs, etc.. and just.. listen to my kid. hang out with undivided attention. being intentional. i'm never going to get back these years so i'd rather embrace them rather than glued to my little device that shows no love in return. .. so, those texts i don't receive can wait! i've got a kid to play with.

spend more time on myself.  stop letting myself "go". i've already cut my hair off, re-pierced by ears, painted my nails, and waxed my eye brows. i've even added a necklace in the mix since the start of the new year. i'm going to try to keep this up. not to impress others.. but to feel better about myself. now, if i could get rid of the eye infection i have from forgetting to take off my makeup the other night.

get a lap top.. and finish SCHOOL. point blank.

this is the new year.

i had a good new years. i think i brought in 2012 right. i did things that are so unlike my character. why not be outside of my comfort zone? we're all dying in 2012 according to the myans anyway, right? 

i spend my new years eve with a guy. (!!) i did. i'm sure some of my readers have their mouths open right now. i know, i know. it was fun while it lasted. it was nice to have the attention of a male. then i came home to my thoughts.

while i know there are no "titles" and there are certain gray areas with the situation with this guy, i still feel confused as to where it is going. him: single dad, 5 months out of relationship with child's mom, no job but just finished school and searching, knowingly says he doesn't want a relationship. my first reaction is to run far away. the ... "this happened, it was fun.. but it was nice knowing you" .. idea. but we were friends first. so, the situation is hairy. 

i want to cut him off. but i like the attention. i want a plan of action. but i'm not sure what that plan should be. there weren't any emotions involved.. and i'd be lying if i said it didn't bother me. i'm a girl, after all. i like feeling wanted.. and being told compliments. reassurance. i made an effort to dress up and wanted a little more verbally. and there was a text from a girl so i know i'm not the only one. i'm not mad about it; just having an internal battle with my heart and my head.

thoughts?