Sunday, July 31, 2011


oops. i've been m.i.a.  we had such a busy weekend. we are now winding down. i'm staying at my grandma's house while my uncle goes on a date in atlanta. um.. yeah. so enough about that. luke is with my mom at our house. this has only happened a couple times in his short life. . i feel at a loss when he isn't with me. grr.

so, here's a recap.

i made this wreath for my beautiful friend. she got married last night and can i say.. it was a fantastic time! i cried like a baby that my wittle girl was getting married. i've known kimster for a decade now since we were high schoolers.. goodness. i love her so much. she is off in st. lucia with her new husband having the time of her life.

took luke to a little greek restaurant this weekend as well. the hummus was so tasty. 

luke's pizza! since little dude has been able to tolerate mozzarella, we enjoy personal pan pizzas. (it's the little victories)

and my tasty chicken gyro! mmm. such a treat.

anyway, i'll be back later with a heart-felt post. i have some things weighing on my heart.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

GOD loves single moms.

so, i bought this new book. it is called, God loves single moms. silly, right? well-- whatever. i have seriously felt better since reading it. i get down on some days and sometimes it feels like life is caving in on my head. like the world is working against me. and can this paper write itself? can these idiot drivers get off of the road?  but like i said, the book. it makes me feel slightly better. i'm not alone even if i am, ya know?

i have a seriously busy weekend this week. i have a birthday party and wedding in one day. holy crap. i may be going solo to the wedding. but hey, that's ok if i really have to. i have to enjoy myself if anyone else is going to.

on another note. umm. so ya know when you start talking to someone from a dating website through email and then it moves to texting? .. then you ask if they could send a picture of them self to verify that they really look like what their profile said?. ..  and then you get this picture back and they are 200 pounds heavier and not at all what they said they looked like? and then they keep texting you back asking why you aren't responding? seriously? i mean. that has never happened me before, of course.. i mean. of course. oh- and i'm not superficial. but ya gotta have some physical attraction!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

rebutal of sorts.

wow!  i should write about my whorish way more often! i have a whopping 109 visitors so far.. today alone. welcome all :)

anyway, i know i shouldn't entertain the people that disapprove of the content of my website but heck, i don't mind.

i will say that i'm a 27-year-old single mom. pretty sure i'm up front about that. i've been single since my kiddo was born. i get along with my mr. b, little dude's dad. how many people can say that? hi, mr. b! i can count on one hand how many people i've kissed. i can also count on one hand how many people i've had "relations" with.  i'd say that is pretty hard to come by in my generation. in high school, i was known as a prude. i remember when i first started dating (who would later become my high school sweetheart), people would tell me how weird i looked holding some one's hand. as if i wasn't confident enough to make such a public proclamation. it made me laugh.

i took four years off from dating. i did. to get my thoughts together, a "want" list of sorts about who i think would suit me well. i also did some sort-lived therapy to get over the issues i had with men in my life. in january, i thought i was ready. so, i joined to my surprise, i met someone relatively quickly.  enter big c. hi, big c!  i know that i can be good for someone because he was that. those good guys exist. i found one; one in a million so i know there  are more out there.

things ended but most things do. the thing about me is: i'm not really looking for guy friends. i'm looking for the long term. if i know it just isn't going to work out, i will tell ya "lets just stop talking." i think that is a fair thing to do. after all, i'm a mom first. i don't need my son meeting men left and right. truthfully, i'm only open to one man and i will find him, i'm sure.

now, i know it seems i'm "obsessed" with meeting "the one". however, i'm not. this is my blog. the intent is to blog about things i feel compelled to speak about. through this blog, i have met other amazing single mom's who feel the same way. we are single moms. who do we really have to talk about our inner feelings with? certainly not our children. this all being said, i'm a mom. i wipe up messes. i parent. i teach my son. he is my first thought. in my alone time, i read and do homework. i'm a pretty boring person. i don't sit around dying for a man everyday. no. if it happens, it does. heck, i'm 27! i want more babies. my child bearing is hopefully  not done at 24, you know? so. i bring those things to the blog. it is my outlet, if you will.

and finally. a-hole (i told him i'd refer to him as this although he NOT an a-hole at ALL) is a stand up guy. this is my "fwb" dude. he is pretty awesome and very straight forward. i have respect for him that i don't in most. so really, don't be hard on the dude. he's super nice in my book. it was my bad decision that made me sad yesterday--- not his! 

toodles and stuff.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

no more.

hypocrisy; we are all guilty but some more so than others. me? i'm a major hypocrite. you see, i pray daily; more than once. i pray with my son. i pray for forgiveness. i pray for a single mom's group to join. i pray for "the one". i tell myself i'm not going to settle. but what i have done is went against everything i believe in; i decided to diminish myself to be some one's "friends with benefits".

i know it's wrong. but here's the thing. i have needs that are not met. if by trying to find "the one", i have another four year dry spell, i'm not sure i can do that again. i came to this conclusion that i'd take this approach to men (fwb) because if i can't meet a guy who is willing to like me and my "weird", well, i'll just be a guy in return. eventually, he'll see the beauty and independence as a gift. he'll eventually fall for me, i'm sure. i won't be like those other girls. the ones who wait. wait. wait. no, i'm going to be a dude. but did i really have that in me?

i have to say.. the last one never came to fruition. so, no worries there. however, upon learning there was another girl who would be the "girlfriend" eventually, i realized i have lessened myself to the person i never wanted to be again. the backup. i deserve a lot more. and i promise if someone else says "you just haven't met the right guy yet!" .. i'm going to scream. excuse me, i meet lots of men. somehow they never return the feelings. and secretly.. i'm mean, REALLY secretly.. i was left with a twinge of jealousy for the other girl. the girl who did the right thing and has waited. didn't jump the gun. i felt jealous that she is something i am not. she got the guy.

truthfully, i don't know him that well. he's nice enough. i think he has a good head on his shoulders. i think we have a lot in common. and i really secretly (once again).. really thought MAYBE he was what i was looking for. but oh well. alas, another one has come .. very suddenly.. and gone. within a 24 hour period.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

..laziness and other issues.

i am beginning to think something is wrong with me. i thought the extreme fatigue is from my hypothyroidism but i'm not so sure anymore. i mean, i take medication with no relief. maybe it is some other level my doctor just hasn't discovered yet. i slept again today. from 4pm to 7:30pm. i feel like such an awful mom. i'm pretty sure my mom is also getting fed up with my "laziness". i'd hate to think it is all about being lazy. grr. i need answers but until that happens, i will just push myself through the days.

in other news, luke and i visited M's church today. it was nice feeling understood as the pastor talked about millennials. aka. my generation. only 15% of my generation goes to church. we are looking for something a little edgier, something substantial. personally, i'm looking for a single mom's class. it doesn't exist in warner robins; i've searched. overall though, the church was a good experience.

...i've reconnected with old friends this past weekend. it was nice while that lasted. goodbyes are tough but such is life.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


i have itchy skin. in fact, i take an anti-depressant for the itching. the itching is linked to worrying so to calm down, i was prescribed celexa. my grandpa was a worrier as well. it's what we do.  anyway, point is. last night, i was itching super bad. everywhere.. so i took two benadryl. thank the LORD my mom was off because i didn't wake up until 3:30pm. WHAT. good grief. i wish i could say  i feel like i caught up on needed sleep, but in reality it was that i'm-so-hungover-let-me-just-sleep-it-off sleep. ugh. oh well.

so, after i awoke from the benadryl-induced coma, i felt i needed to make up on my slack parenting skills and do something with the boy. a good friend is getting married next week and since money is tight, i'm making her something. we went to michaels to pick up those things and then headed over to books-a-million to get a book or two. i think the boy was having some fun. after, i treated him to some ihop  where he thought it CRAZY to eat pancakes at 9pm. he loved it.

Friday, July 22, 2011

and the questions begin..

today was one of those days i cherish because it was just little dude and i. captain america came out last night in theaters so i knew that was on the agenda for the day. after a few rounds of wii games, we got our clothes on and headed to the new theater.  we had never been there so we decided to make it an adventure and try new things. the movie was good. luke loved it as i assumed he would. 

afterward, we made a quick walk next door to stevi b's. for those without them in your town, it is just a pizza buffet place that has an arcade room for kiddos to enjoy. it was a special treat for two reasons: luke has always been allergic to pizza but has recently been able to tolerate mozzarella and because the arcade has games and.. well, he is kinda obsessed with games at the moment. 

it was the first time i've seen him visibly upset without knowing why. i could see the wheels in his little brain turning and the saddest face ever.  i asked him, "why the sad face?" he asked me why his daddy didn't come to arcade with us. why his daddy didn't live with us.  it attacked my heart. i knew this day would come. i figured maybe after school started. just not today. today was a luke and mama day. it wasn't for sad faces and tough questions. but alas, it happened. i had to give an answer as the other dad's were helping their kids collect lots of tickets from the games they played.

first, i told him that some daddies and mamas just aren't "together". they don't live together. they don't kiss. but they still love their sons and daughters. they love hanging out with them and doing fun things. i told him i was sorry his daddy wasn't with him. that he couldn't come because he lived far away. but he'd see him another day and they could have fun then. he seemed okay with this answer however, i kept catching him staring at the other dads with their kids. so, what did i do? bought $5 more in tokens so we could get a really big special prize once we cashed them in. a present always works at age four, right? goodness.

it was sobering. i know that he loves me. he knows i care so much. he still calls us a "team". but i also realize he is getting to that age where he is aware of other relationships. he is aware of the "norm" (if having two parents together is the norm these days). soon, he will be in school (like. 2 weeks. boo) and have friends who have their own house with a mommy and daddy and a brother or sister. he will bring more than homework home, i'm sure. the questioning with ensue and i'm preparing for the "right" answer. i wish so badly he had a normal life. for now, here is to hoping i can be enough. 

. . til next time.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

what i'd bring to a relationship...

what i'd bring to a relationship
  1. 100% honesty
  2. a son who will admire said person
  3. spontaneous surprises
  4. hugs and cuddling
  5. 100% devotion
  6. an ear to listen
  7. ....
i'm working on this. thanks @ single mom seeking for challenging me with this task!!
i definitely need to come back to this and add more. it is so hard thinking of what i'm actually made of to be able to bring to someone else. it is tough thinking about what you're like rather than what you want in someone else.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


so, a milestone was met today. my little dude is growing up! since he'll be starting school in 2 weeks, we have a list to check off before he can be present the first day! enter. first dental cleaning.

i'll admit. i was probably a little more worried than i should have been. he does great with shots and pediatrician and allergist appointments. i just felt that if i were 4 years old and 36 inches tall, i'd be terrified with all of that huge equipment! he did great. why did i worry so much?? i did stress to the hygienist that his father and i have awful teeth. remember, i just completed TWO root canals last month. the dentist payed extra attention to his pearly whites just in case. luckily, little dude is doing well! he even loves the spacing between his baby teeth as this allows his grown up teeth to have room to come in. possibility of no braces? music to my ears! there is a questionable tooth in the very back but since little dude's mouth is too small to do x-rays, we are going to wait until january to do them. hopefully he'll have a bigger mouth then. (blessing and a curse)

i suppose this is where i should tell you that little dude is NOT  a morning person. this appointment was at 11am. YES, ELEVEN! i had to wake him up (aka- pull him out of bed from the comfort of sheets, make him really cold, then pull his clothes off. by this time he's furious but awake so then i leave him with his change of clothes and come back in ten minutes where either one- he is naked and asleep in bed or two- dressed and still mad that he's awake). he wasn't thrilled to be up at such an ungodly hour (psh) but he rose to the occasion after some coaxing. so, these pictures show you he is still half asleep and not understanding why these people are talking to him at such an early hour. he got the trait from me;  i can't get mad. he's going to have a rude awakening in two weeks! muha ha ha.. (picture evil laugh)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

by myself.

oh, there is so much to say but i can't quite say it yet. in due time, of course.

a dear old friend is getting married soon. i'm so happy for her because she deserves all the good that comes to her however, i'm trying hard to not to feel sorry for myself. why am i sorry? i'm a decent person. i just haven't found that person or he hasn't found me yet. that's all. it just gets lonely more often than not. and sometimes it feels as though i'm being left behind.

i keep thinking of the memories i've made this year and how much i miss those that have gone. don't get me wrong, i'm pretty sure i'm well on my way to being almost over big c but sometimes i miss the good times. maybe just the companionship; the extra hand in this silly life.

in hindsight, i think j was placed in my life to allow me to have a good time on vacation. it allowed me to move on from big c. there was never anything there with j, i know. too many red flags from the get go but oh goodness, i'd like someone to get excited about. someone to pass my day by texting. or the anticipation of seeing. oh well. it will come in it's own time.

feeling slightly -by myself- today. i'm not though; my main squeeze is watching endless hours of spiderman on dvd. i can always hop in bed with him!

Monday, July 18, 2011

what I want

what this girl wants.

  1. someone with a stable career
  2. he pays his bills on time (because my credit sucks and i need someone to take care of my money.. or lackthereof)
  3. he doesn't mind me having a child.. and all that entails
  4. wants more children
  5. he gets along with my son. swimmingly.
  6. a christian.
  7. he is taller than me
  8. great sense of humor. 
  9. slightly sarcastic
  10. doesn't think me talking about poop is WEIRD
  11. understands my quirks
  12. my biggest fan and vice versa
  13. enjoys concerts and some of the same music i do
  14. not a party guy. 
  15. doesn't drink in front of little dude
  16. educated
  17. shows affirmation
  18. likes dogs
  19. one-girl kinda guy
  20. scruff is a bonus. mmm.. beards.
  21. he is a family guy
  22. my family approves of him
  23. he likes my mom
  24. enjoys nights in
  25. not into playing games
  26. enjoys adventures
  27. understands my planning nature
  28. reliable car
  29. open book with me
  30. NOT a smoker
  31. no hunters 

i'm not picky. and i'm sure no one really meets all of those requirements. some are just some "wants" but other i can't compromise on. you think he exists? because i'm not into settling. xoxo

Saturday, July 16, 2011

super epic rainbow cake

since my dear bfflzz birthday PARTY has passed tonight, i will tell you what i made! 

a little background. bffl is a lesbian. she loves all things rainbow. so.. why not do something she loves? so, i made her a cake. not just any cake. a super epic rainbow cake

luke and i spent around three to four hours making this baby from scratch. i'm not much of a cook but i can bake sometimes. this was the most tedious recipe i've tackled in my life though. me and whipping egg whites to a "fluff"? yeah, whatever that means. but 19 egg whites later, woot! i accomplished my goal. that is.. until we started driving. my cake didn't agree with middle georgia weather so she decided to slip and slide around in the box. i was so hurt. (yes, my cake is a female i decided) but you keep going. no going back. after some refrigeration, she was ok. not as pretty but oh well. it's the thought that counts, right?? 

i got the recipe from this site.

i haven't uploaded the end result yet. but here's a cell phone picture:

luke was hot. he was flashing some pecks. ladies- back off! and i was hot. see the glow? whew. attractive. but hey, my bffl is sexy huh??  


Friday, July 15, 2011

S's birthday

i have a good friend, S. we've been though it all. breakups, my pregnancy, breakups again, fights, gay club dates, etc. i love her. like. a lot. her birthday is coming up. while we aren't the closest like we used to be, i still consider her my closest friend. little dude loves her. i'm pretty sure she would raise him if something happened to me. she's just awesome.

so. birthday. what do i get her? money is tight so i was thinking of making her something. L and i have definitely planned one thing but what could we do for her that shows we care? thoughts?

oh, also. if anyone is on pinterest? i want an invite!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

good things are coming.

just a note. luke told me "by the way, i'm going to marry you. you need to buy a dress. i'll get good clothes." love that kid. later, he told me "well, you can marry my daddy" well, that's a talk for another.

a few things going on in rachael land. i'm super ecstatic as well as overwhelmed. 

i finally got around to calculating my expected graduation date.. somehow it is REALLY going to happen! now comes the overwhelming factor: because it is so soon (as in this time next year i'll have a degree behind my name), i haven't actually looked into internships. i finally did. um. what! wow! i have to get on this;

in order to even apply for an internship, i have to have had experience in a clinical setting with well infants and children as well as experience paid or unpaid with families in a stressful situation. to meet the latter, i'm trying to do some volunteer work with a childhood cancer organization as i have before. the well infants? oh man. i have no clue. i could apply for some pediatrician offices but i'm not sure the likelihood of actually getting hired. here's to hoping!! 

 so, around july i'm hoping to put in my internship application. this will decide where i will be living come summer time. i'm SO nervous about the unknown. we know how i love my plans and to-do lists.

another thing... what i'm going to do with luke. he's starting school the first week of august and i'm at a loss as to what to do about after school care! i'd hate to make him stay for after school care until six.. i mean 8am to 6pm at age 4?? that is just too much. 

so, i please ask for you to pray for some sort of answer to what to do at 230pm when he gets out of school as well as getting a job in the pediatric setting. i'm in need!!


oh! i do need some help. if i do move to atlanta, i'd likely be working at egleston or scottish rite. any ATLiens out there to offer advice on a good/cheaper location and good school system for the kiddo to live? 

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

luke's birthday picture.. (late!)

this was the night before. he got to open one gift from me. he said he didn't like it.
needless to say, he received a stern talking-to
about the correct way to react about presents.
he ended up loving it until he broke it to pieces!

the morning of his birthday. he was SO excited.
he makes goofy faces on the daily.

his birthday pancakes!
the first time to blow out candles on his special day.

he kind of like ALL super heros...

at his green lantern-batman-spidey party.

it slightly got smooshed on the way to the venue.

and my main squeeze blowing out his number 4!

can't believe that kiddo is mine.
everyday he amazes me more.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


things happen. sometimes we don't expect it. i'm a planner. i love my to do list. i like knowing what comes next. so you can imagine my surprise when my suppose-to-be 30 minute endodontist appointment lasted from 7:45am to 11:07am. yes, friends. i was awake at 7am this morning. this never happens. i thought "oh i don't have to work until noon. i'll have plenty of time to take a nap." WRONG. i had leave immediately from my appointment to go to work. i was not a happy camper. 

the appointment was to complete a root canal from may. yes, may. i had some issues with infection in my bone so the best route was to implant some antibiotics to clear out all of the bacteria. i thought getting the temporary out and placing the permanent was all to expect. i didn't KNOW they hadn't even TAKEN OUT the roots yet. O.M.G. pain pain. not to mention my awesome pre-existing lockjaw. holy crap. i was about to come unglued. i think the dr knew this. he mentioned being so sorry the appointment was taking forever. of course, i'm rachael so my roots were loooong and curvy. hence the reason for such a long time period. 

so. he gave me an ice pack for my poor, poor jaw. i really didn't know if i'd make it the day at work. but i managed. ibuprofen and i are bffllsssss. but really, i'm ok now.

sad face. i was in so much pain. 
this is in the parking lot before going inside to work.

can i just say.. even though i'm complaining..
i'm very thankful to have dental insurance!

now.. back to watching the national league kill the american league!

Monday, July 11, 2011

conclusions with the real OG

i had a long talk with the OG, G-O-D last night. i'm feel a whole heckova (heck-of-a, duh) lot better today. here's the thing: i'm going to have a degree soon. with that will come financial independence. with that i'll be able to have my *own* little place in the world to call home. with that i will more than likely, move to the ATL. so, you know. with that comes a lot of things. 

after reading over some other single mama's blogs, (even ones who are recently remarried) i decided ya know... i don't actually need a man. sure, i love spooning sometimes. and men's cologne drives me insane but really? i've been doing okay the past four years. my kiddo is pretty well-rounded. he's smart. he loves his mama and family. and what more do i need? of course, i'm not ready to be done having children. i had little dude at 24. be done reproducing at 24? no way. and when the time comes (and the money and house), i can always go to a sperm bank or something. i'm being dead serious.

maybe there isn't a "one" for me. maybe my happy ending isn't marriage and a white picket fence. i've never been the "normal girl" anyway. why did i think i would follow the normal order of things?  

this is all to say. i'm ok without a man. i always have been. it's just that sometimes when you look around, or get a taste of how good it can be, i get a little sad and want that. but if that is in my plan, it will happen. i can't go looking for it. shoot. i want to be pursued! not the other way around! you want me? prove it!


yes! see? i'm ok! i had a little fun at work today.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

just a little macbook fun at my granny's house.

if you want the sad stuff, it's below. but for now.
i'm hanging out with my main squeeze.

pardon the no-make up face.
rough day :)


if you are a paying member of, don't go on there looking for friendship. it is misleading. friendship with the intent to date, ok. i get that. but just to be emotionless friends? gag me. spare me. save my time for someone worthwhile. don't send text messages about being drawn to me, interested in me, hoping to love my child as you love yours one day. however. not wanting  relationship right now. i do get that. i wouldn't date someone emotionally unavailable. trust me. i've done it. i'm not a rebound. i won't be a rebound again. i have been with someone who needed an ear to heal their broken heart. i can't be that anymore. especially with a child.  you want to be open with your intentions and you want to talk about secrets. and send pictures. and talk about only things i open up to some people; but emotions were involved? i'm sorry, did i miss something? we talked for 3 hours on the phone? i suppose that was all me. you asked questions to understand me. you wanted to know everything. i told you mostly. i listened as you spoke. we went out of town. spent three days together. we were just friends. dates? no way. but let me meet someone on a blind date. that is a date. yes, who cares about you i've told some of my soul to. who i've hung out with and discussed everything with. those weren't dates. you weren't a date! but let me be set up with someone i don't even know. that is a date.  and then. let me walk out with said date, wave (sorta) as i get out as fast as i can, and turn off my cell phone.. because God knows.. you may text me because you are hurt. or maybe i've got to be on my date. 

you know what? i cared. i wasn't sure. but i did care. and i'm so tired of crying. TIRED.

so, i've deleted my account. it won't delete officially until the end of july. but it's deleted to me. i'm done looking. i'm done wasting my time on people that don't really give a crap. it hurts me. it hurts my parenting. i'm on hiatus again. i am. really.

the morning after.

“The human heart has an almost unlimited ability to bounce back from spiritually destructive experiences. Some deep part of us, the soul you could call it, fights not just for life, but for a good life, and a just one.” – Lundy Bancroft

in the midst of my drunken haze, i deleted everything about him. phone number, friend on facebook, blocked him from, etc. sure, a bit much. but. i was drunk. i shouldn't do that anymore. it only leads to hurt feelings and bruised egos. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have taken such extreme measures had i been sober.

the fact is. rejection still hurts. whether it is after a few weeks, a  few months, or a few years. no one likes it. no one can control it. and really, we just have to wake up the next day and trudge forward.

i had cold sweats all night. i kept waking up to check my cell phone to see if he had sent anything in return. of course, that didn't happen. between phone checks, sweating, and tossing and turning, it made for an eventful night of no sleep.  i didn't even have luke in the bed. maybe that contributed.

i was drunk as i've said. but i still prayed. i'm not sure how God would feel about that... but i needed to give my feelings to God. put him in control. i prayed for guidance and strength- something i've prayed for a lot this year it seems. in turn, i had the most vivid, detailed dream of a future c-section. wow. maybe that was God telling me it just wasn't going to work.. since said boy isn't capable of having children. so, i have a little more strength that maybe this didn't pan out as i wanted, but there is a plan in place above me.

i wish i could say i'm 100% a-ok today.. but i'm not. my heart has a little sting. i'm human. ha............

the best thing i've done since joining the blogging community is to follow others that "get it".. this was posted today.. i couldn't ever put it as eloquently as she did but i agree. 100%
The struggle with my faith...that is between me and God...and with me trying to release and let go of all of my hopes and desires and dreams to be with someone for the long-term. It just seems as if it's not meant to be. I know that there are those who will say, "What you think is what will be" (a la The Secret). I understand this thinking--I do. But after all that I have been through with males and within intimate relationships, this *is* the conclusion that I have come to. Some out there have found new love, have found new life, even after all that they have endured. They have found their companion in life. That is a blessing, to be sure. I do not know that I will ever receive this same blessing. I am trying to accept what may be the case for my life...even if it is not what I would choose. I am trying to allow to die what I have sought after my whole life thus far. Sometimes sublimation of our desires is the most appropriate path to take.

and then something happens.. like my kiddo coming in screaming with excitement as i type this. he is SO excited to let me know he just beat the first level of mario on the wii by himself!! yay!!!

dear. you.

warning. i'm slightly under the influence of alcohol as i post this. don't judge. i haven't been out since new years.

anyway. i will let you in on a little secret.

while i was in florida i got this awesome email from a potential mate. the email progressed to texting. while in florida, he made me feel excited to return home. he only lived roughly 15  minutes away- awesome. i mean, if i didn't respond soon he'd send another. the person i've always wanted. that affirmation and reassurance. we met. it was nice. we talked for 3 hours on the phone. i was happy. big c, who?  then the texts starting easing away. oh, ok. . um. i'm not sure what happened. but it did. it frustrated me. again, that pulling away thing- i hate it. it hurts so much. then we went to a baseball game. it didn't go as planned. thoughts like "does this guy even care to be in my presence" crossed my mind. but we hung out again. with our kids. the kids got along swimmingly. he barely talked to me. i don't think i was anything to him. then we get to tonight.

we spent the day together. i mentioned i may see him out. then he admits to being on a blind date. maybe i have too much respect .. but i'm so respectful when i'm talking to someone. getting to know someone. a potential mate. so, the blind date crushed my heart. not only that, we ran in to each other. what did i get??? a freaking WAVE. as he was leaving. seriously? did you not just spend the day with me and you're going to act like i'm nothing?? and then i get tipsy. the drunk texts ensue. no response. so. i call. drunk, remember? HE HAS HIS FREAKING PHONE OFF. i let you meet my child and you aren't acting as though i am shit on your shoe???

i don't deserve this. it hurts so much. his initial texts were so pleasing. i was so excited. but now.... now i just don't know.  i wanted so much more than this. i'm so upset.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

walt disney. psychic.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

mr. walt disney, were you ahead of your time? i think so. 

Friday, July 8, 2011


you know you how you have expectations and -as always- they always fall short? yeah, that's what is happening in this land. makes me sad slightly. but i've in a funk since i got home from the beach.

blah. that's a good explanation.

oh. and i canceled

heart vs head

i'm trying to find the place between. between what is a secret right now. soon, i'll let you know.

do you listen to your heart or your head? let me know!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

july wishlist.


i want this. like. yesterday.

i hope someday i meet someone who realizes 
that this is the best present i could ever receive. 
first- it mentions bowels. 
second- it is typography art. 

i'm planning to make one of these of luke. 
eventually, maybe one of myself. 
oh... and what about oliver? so adorable. 


i've only wanted this dress -for freaking ever-.
and now it's back at spotted moth after being sold out -for freaking ever-.
i can dream. isn't it dreamy???


i die. i want. paired with tights in the winter? 
yes, please. thank you.

 i can make this. i think it's such a good idea. 
i'd use a different font but it would be perfect in luke's room
.. ahem.. 
since he'll be starting school in less than a month and all.

so, there you have it. just a few things i've been drooling over this month!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

working on anger.

Ephesians 4:26
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.

in light of recent events involving family and those close to me, i've been cultivating some serious anger. sometimes, rather than being simply hurt, i become angry. after all, how dare someone take the words i speak and change them to what they want to hear?

i've had family issues with a particular member in the past but i've always had the rest of my family to lean on as they have always had my back. i've always bragged on how close my family is; how we always see each other every sunday for dinner. truthfully, i don't know how to handle the arguing that is going on.

i'm typically not a preachy person. those people have always ignited a fire in me. i don't think that acting as though you are better than someone is ever a good thing when you are trying to witness. i don't quote bible verses but i always pray. ever since i've had another life to take care of .. have i prayed. how can i not?
lately, the prayer is the same. maybe i need to do a little work on being more conservative with my feelings. not always letting everyone hear how i feel. stop being so opinionated or just keeping those opinions inside. but i have been that person. i was that person for 23 years. eventually all of that bottled up emotion will spew out on the wrong person. then who is right? not me.
it isn't actually about being right and wrong. we all have our opinions. i feel that if you voice it, you should know that you'll have to hear a rebuttal or two and take it for what it is worth. you have to take what you dish. some people just aren't capable of that. i'm guilty sometimes. ..
all of this is to say that i wish my family would go back to being what we were. i've said my apologizes for my wrong doings.. but i don't think it is all my fault. i don't want to be one of those people that has the family they only see at holidays. sunday dinner is my favorite day of the week usually. i have decided to take a few weeks off from sunday dinner though. maybe for the better. let everyone cool their jets. hopefully, the reunion will be worth the while.
and on a positive note.
i don't ever talk about her because she is a pretty private person.. but i absolutely love my cousin S. that girl has done so much for me and my son. she watches him at the drop of a hat.. for mostly no pay. i struggle with that thought. i so wish i could give her more.. and when i get this good job after my degree, i know indebted to her for a little while. (thanks for being sane. i really appreciate and love you)
and again.
i have so many opinions on the casey anthony trial. i've been following since day one. all i will say is this: that poor child needs justice and i hope that one day, she will get just that.

Monday, July 4, 2011


when we were out of town, a big storm hit. my computer has been out of commission until this very moment. ahh.. i hope this lasts.

rather than being at a smoke-filled bar right now, i'm at home typing this. a few reasons.
  1. i hate smoke. i hate going to bed smelling said smoke. and really, i have to work tomorrow.
  2. i just got home from a fireworks show with little dude and i'm pretty tired.
  3. this has been one of the worst days in a while.

lets delve further. i'm a pretty rational girl. i don't like playing games. i like the honest truth. please, be up front. don't ignore me, don't act as though everything is great when really you are brewing a hatred inside. just tell me.

today  i cried. i haven't done that in a little while. you could blame it on hormones but really my feelings have been hurt have you ever felt like everything you say is taken  the wrong way? everyone is picking you apart?  you run to the person you want to tell this to and it doesn't really go anywhere? today is that day for me.

i'm a girl. deep down, i'm sensitive. if i say "oh maybe i won't come"... sometimes a good "oh but i want you to!" would be awesome. rather than, "ok".  i love reassurance. i need it sometimes. or keeping plans. just keep your word. compromise. it hurts my heart when things don't go as anticipated. usually i've been dying with excitement on the inside and when things go sour, it is just such a huge disappointment. 

my heart has been hurting today. various reasons. truthfully, this may all seem trivial to everyone else. but one day - i want someone to want me. all of me. my flaws. my planning. my neuroses about being in a room full of strangers. my cynicism. maybe even someone to take that cynicism away. i'm an investment really. i can be a good one if treated properly. i just hate being let down or ganged up on.

and once more. the feeling of pulling away is the toughest part.

i remember when two friends snuck into my backyard in the middle of the night to see me. what happened to that? am i too old for surprise visits at all hours of the night? i miss that.

i've been reflecting on this tonight. i have such a hard time with patience.

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

and also. lets end with the positive that i should never let the negative outweigh.

i have a really amazing friend. when i think of her friendship and everything she, her husband, and family has done for my child and i.. it brings tears to my eyes. she always lifts me up but she isn't so "peppy" that we can't have a good laugh. her husband has always loved my son. when he was small, he'd take him to his bed and snuggle with him. he was a man to him when no one else was. tonight at the fireworks, he held my son's hand. he picked him up when he couldn't keep up with the pace. things i have never asked. mrs. t is the best friend i could have. sometimes i take for granted how much she cares for me. i hope one day i can show her how much she means in return. she has always picked me up when i'm down, been my biggest fan, and included me in anything we might find fun. her kids are the best because of those loving parents. i hope one day i'm half the mom she is. (love you girl)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

i'm baaack.

i guess going on vacation is going on vacation from life. we all need that sometimes, right? but alas, i'm back now. to reality. with a broken motor to the window in my car. the darn thing broke in south georgia on my way home from florida yesterday. $300 to fix the thing. yikes! but lets not focus on the negative.

the trip was better than i had imagined. we tried new things, went new places, and experienced a few firsts for luke. i made a few hole-in-one's while playing putt putt and still lost. incredible. i never said sports was my forte anyway!

my beautiful friend kristina entered marriage yesterday. she looked gorgeous and i can't think of anyone more deserving of such a thing. it did prompt an emotion i wasn't expecting though.

i will never have a wedding. i don't mind the marriage part of it. i like a little officiality in my life. however, the act of spending lots of money to profess my love for someone in front of people and being the center of attention is not something that sounds appealing. i hate being the center of attention. i'm not a good hostess so the idea of "mingling" with guests to make sure you show your face and appreciation is something that is hive-inducing. i can understand why women love this idea. honestly, i'd love to dress up fancy shamancy and be with the one i love however, the money.. the attention. it just isn't something i think i'm capable of doing!

don't get me wrong. i want to be in love with someone. i want to find that someone i can't wait to see again and the thought of being apart makes me hurt. i like the idea of marriage and the paper and the binding. i hope one day i'm able to experience that. i hope i'm able to supply my son with someone who will be there daily. a man that loves him. a relationship i can model out of love that he can learn from.

maybe one day i'll be so lucky. wouldn't it be amazing to that reciprocated? ah! i can only dream.