Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Luke is here!

Luke has finally moved up to Atlanta!  Words can't express my excitement. After spending more time away than together this past year, I'm so thankful he's with me again. We're a fulltime team again! Not only has he embraced the move/new environment/new babysitter/new everything, he's also sleeping in his own bed in his OWN room by himself. Guys, he's never done that. EVER. I'm so proud of how adaptive he's been.

In other news, I wish I was british. Seriously. When Will and Kate got married, I woke at 3am to watch it. For about two weeks now I've been googling "royal baby". Monday I was ecstatic when CNN told me she had entered the hospital. Why am I so in love with the monarchy? I have no idea. When William walked out of the hospital today, I got chills. He is so disarmingly handsome. Ugh. .. and he loves his wife. Maybe I enjoy the idea of a modern day fairytale.

And with that, I'll go to bed alone. HAHA.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I just finished up the movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I knew it'd be sad; I had heard. Watching it alone and reacting the way I did/am has taken me by surprise. I'm sitting here, uncontrollably sobbing.  I'm ugly crying over everything that has bothered but I have never once cried about. Sobbing for the tragedy of 9/11. Sobbing for the child in the movie who is going to grow up without a dad. I'm crying for my own dad.. something I never done. Not once. I have never cried a drop because he left my family. I have never shed one tear about being left behind by someone who raised me... as if I was nothing. Maybe I'm having this emotional experience because I think about all of the families that are in tact. How I look around and see dads pushing their kids in the stroller to go on a jog in Piedmont Park. I brake for them everyday. How lucky are those people? Luke has never had that. How lucky are those women that have a helping hand? Someone who loves them and can share the partnership with. I bet it is a wonderful experience to be pregnant with a loving partner. Can you imagine? The only other person in the world that helped create the being growing inside you. The only other person who can possibly be as excited as you are for the impending arrival. WOW. What a dream that would be.

And this brings me back to my own dad. The man who told me more than once that I was unlovable. I can't be loved. I subconsciously carry those words with me all of the time. I never admit that to myself. It seems weak of me to do so. How can I even give those words any merit coming from the person they did? It doesn't matter.  I know it shouldn't bother me. But it does. Everyone talks about daddy's girl. Father's day was exceptionally hard this year. I think it was a combination of the endless facebook posts  from all of my friends. A picture of them with their own dad during some momentous occasion in their lives. Their dad walked them down the aisle. Their dad held their baby after birth. I'll never have that. Ever. It's as if my own dad died but I was robbed of the closure of a funeral. A sudden death. A tragic death that no one saw coming. But I did. I always knew.

I hate being cynical. The world has taught me to be this way. I'm going to admit that I'm incredibly lonely. And honestly? It doesn't bother me that often. Hardly ever, in fact. It's just a way of life. I happen to like my alone time. But at the end of the day, I'd like a partner. I'd like someone to share my day with. Someone that is thinking of me. I've never had someone stay. ... and I'm SO tired of investing myself to only lose that person. Am I unlovable? No, of course not. My son has shown me a love that no one else can. He wrecked my heart when he was born. A wreck in such a good, unexpected way. I'll never be truly alone with him in my life. And it's going to be a long life.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

adventures in dating.

...because "adventures in babysitting" doesn't apply.

i went on a date last night. i guess being older makes you mellow out some. i remember dating when i was younger, having such high hopes, if it didn't live up to my dreams, i still concocted in my head that it was still "amazing" and other ridiculous words. now, i always just say.. "i'm cautiously optimistic". emphasis on the cautious part.

you get older and realize that obsessing over when you'll hear from that person again just isn't worth it. should you call or text first? no, then you'll look desperate. the guy is suppose to initiate communicating first. such an internal struggle for girls out there. i think these are things us girls are all guilty of at some point.

then you get older, maybe have a kid if you're like me, and dating isn't your world anymore. he hasn't called or texted me in the .5 seconds it has been since the dated ended? no big deal. a day, even? ok. we're adults. we have jobs and lives and priorities. meeting someone isn't about walking the mall hoping someone spots you on a date, anymore. no. we talk about the house we own, places we've been, our core values, etc. you try to get to know what someone stands for as fast as you can. this way you can weed them out sooner. lets face it, i'm almost thirty. i'm not looking to date someone for five years only for it to not work out. if i know it isn't going to work out on that first date? well, it was fun meeting someone new... i hope everything works out for you. the. end.

so as i said, i went out on a date last night. it was good. we met. we talked for nearly four hours. we went back to our homes. it was nice, refreshing, and good company. and we've talked about future plans.

is my brain planning a wedding and practicing a new signature? definitely not.

Monday, July 15, 2013

on leaving.

the final push to get everything in one city is this coming weekend. the final move. the moment luke and i will live under the same roof everyday, again. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i'm ecstatic. i'm sad.

it will be the first time i'm a "true" single mom. i've always lived with my mom and/or brother while being a mother. it wasn't traditional but i would have never been able to stand on my own two feet today without the support and help. my mom is my lifeline. i'm sad because this means leaving her in an empty house by herself. she isn't the most social person in the world. i'm just scared something will happen and no one will be there to help or discover her for a few days. i'm scared she'll come home and cry inside these blank walls. this is the hardest part for me. sure, handling luke exclusively will have its set of challenges but that doesn't bother me. we've been through thick and thin together. he's also a pretty good little dude. but leaving my mom?  a lump forms in my throat just thinking about it.

it all started to sink in tonight when i looked around my room and noticed nearly everything is packed. WHOA.  i've lived in this house since i was six. that's luke's age. sure, i moved out twice. but home is home. it's all i know. and for the first time, i realized this is going to be harder than i imagined.

the room i'm in now started off 24 years ago as my brother's room. it had striped wallpaper at the bottom with a border around the middle full of vintage airplanes. the walls at the top were blue. he had a race car bed at some point... and i had a WATER BED. (hahaha) i had the back bedroom. i remember moving in and demanding my dad to measure the rooms. i NEEDED the bigger room. turns out, the back room was 1 inch larger. i took it and painted it pink before you could blink. years and years later, i moved into this room after having luke and my brother moved out. i liked the large window that the other room lacked. i painted the trim and walls. i made it my own. and now.. i'm leaving it.

i know this is the natural progression of things. i know that most people have already moved out by my age. i get that. but i love my mom. when my dad walked out, it was she and i picking each other up. me picking up the pieces my dad left her, her picking up the pieces that i needed glued together to be a single mom. my dad left in may 2007. luke was born in june. funny how things work out that way. most people don't have the relationship my mom and i have. i'm so grateful for her. she's my backbone.

how luke feels about sofa shopping.

we're not related.

post getting my first facial. no makeup?
no problems? ..
8 pounds down. YES.

my pretty ma  and little lucy.

Sunday, July 7, 2013


i picked luke up from warner robins on the third with the intention of spending time with him in atlanta until sunday. in those days, we'd go on a marta ride to centennial olympic park to see the fireworks. apparently mother nature was against the country's freedom this year for the south as we experienced torrential downpours all . week . long. everyone canceled their fireworks shows EXCEPT for olympic park. good thing because i promised this certain kid that we'd go for the second year in a row to see this shindig. so after a day of thunder and lightning, we braved it. 

i was a bit nervous as this was my first time really navigating the marta system by myself. sure, i did it at georgia state but do you know that was about 8 years ago? also, the school gave us the stops we needed to get off of so it was no brainer. not to mention there were tons of other students taking the same route. anyway, enough trying to justify the anxiety i had, we went to the inman park station and parked. from there, we took the train to the cnn center and got off. in . the . rain. i struggled to carry our chairs while still carrying my huge umbrella on the two of us. this single mom thing is so difficult sometimes. however, we got there in one, hobbling, wet piece. after spending $20 on overpriced popcorn, cotton candy, sprite, and a glow-in-the-dark necklace, we found a good spot amongst the crowd. to my surprise many people showed up despite the ridiculous weather. 

did i mention that my hair is getting curlier with age? it's awful. i didn't dry it that day. i decided it'd curl on its own with the weather outside but luke insisted that i straighten it. he said, "i hate curly hair. people will look at your curly hair and say ew." point taken. thank you, kind sir.  i straightened it and luke said, "you're so beautiful like that", by the end of the night it was a kinky mess. 

luckily, it seems the gods shined upon us and it didn't rain a drop an hour before and during the fireworks show. it was such a good show, too. i grin like a little girl when they start. what is it about fireworks? 

i was dog sitting all week for my friend, ben so we headed back to hang out with the pup. the next day we decided to bare the elements and walk to a nearby park. we found a community garden with tomatoes, strawberries, squash, etc. i just love this little community! sometimes i forget i'm in the middle of the city. 

in the end we visited three separate parks, did a lot of walking, got stuck in two downpours, opened an account at the local movie rental store (and rented a movie), and just had some overall fun. it was nice being in our new place together. i think he's really going to enjoy it. 

now.. i need to put myself out there and meet someone.

some pictures from our new apartment: (we still haven't moved in completely. that will take place on the 20th!)

pretty cupboards.

i built this by myself. who. needs. a guy?

i hung a picture!

luke's unfinished room.

and a bunch of other pictures from the long weekend: 
majestic diner with this little kid. we can walk there.

meet chunji. luke's new friend.
they fell in love with each other.

he wanted to try out his shaving kit he got for christmas.
he kinda hated the feeling on his skin.

a rare, sunny moment. this is the local kid's park we walked to.

chunji was so disappointed she had to stay on the leash.

we discovered some ducks while walking around piedmont park.

this is from his first marta train ride. he thought it super cool.
the ride back? another story. think: drug deals.

fireworks in the park. it really doesn't get better than that.
they even shoot fireworks off the the buildings!

piedmont park fun. a nice break in the middle of the city.

it started rain -hard- on us. we ran for cover which came in the form of a pavilion.
we crashed an asian baby shower. whoops.

it's fun being a kid. we both jumped in puddles. we were SOAKING wet.

Monday, July 1, 2013

happy 6th, little dude!!

Dear little dude,

you are SIX. that's a whole hand PLUS one! what a year five was. you started and finished kindergarten.. where you realized you are not one of those kids that enjoys going to school! everyday you'd ask, "do i have school tomorrow??" and get really bummed when the answer was yes.  it wasn't that you were bad at school, you're great, i just think the whole -getting up in the morning- business isn't your cup of tea. i get it completely!

speaking of kindergarten and being great, you never once had your clip changed the the yellow or red! you always came home with an agenda full of smiley faces. i'm incredibly proud of the kid you are developing in to. you have such a tender heart.. i hope you keep that it that way for as long as possible. you always share without being told to, you always follow the rules from your teachers, you're just a good kid! despite your hatred for sight words... hm... but math? you're awesome at! and our next-door neighbor is your art teacher. she happens to think you're a really good artist. i'm so. proud.

this year you also outgrew being allergic to cheese. that's huge. you love cheese pizza but still a bit hesitant to try most foods that are white or just look like they are from the dairy family. i get it though. you also made it through the year without being hospitalized! yeah!  such a vast improvement from last year's five times. maybe your little immune system is growing.

we also experienced love this year. we expanded our "team" when i had a boyfriend. you showed me how open you were to a new guy in our lives. you embraced it and fell hard. i was so impressed with your ability to just love someone. i'm sorry we broke up, buddy. i know how much you hurt after that. i'm so thankful we got passed it. you're so brave. so strong.

a few of your obsessions: ring pops, burger king, your dog lucy, your ipad, minecraft (major!), mario bros, moving to atlanta, spongebob, wreck it ralph, angry birds, top forty songs (boo) and did i mention minecraft??

i love you, little dude. you impatiently came into this world and haven't stopped since.  this year has been tough for us; me commuting to atlanta and missing so much of your life.. but you've never once cried. i could take offense but i don't because you tell me all of the time you can't wait to move to atlanta. you understand why i went to school. you get it. you know i love you. i finished school for you, babe. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

love you luke elijah-