brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

luke-isms

we bought our christmas tree at lowe's a week ago. while pulling up to the store, luke says "lowes. let's build something together".  he seriously makes me laugh.

another luke-ism: after lying on his mat for nap time, his teacher noticed he has his hands clasped together as though he was praying. ms. meka says, "luke, what are you doing?".. luke replies, "just praying to santa my list". innocence, i love it.

and one more. we have bob, our elf on the shelf. everyone knows you can't touch your elf because his magical powers will disappear. luke takes this very seriously. he placed his wii game near bob on the table today. he was so worried that his game had touched bob. he hands the wii game to me and says, "please check and make sure there isn't any magic on it. i can't take bob's magic away!"

  

it's the little things. life gets hectic and tough and everything else. sometimes we overlook the simple stuff in between.

bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....

t-day.

i hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving. i did spend the day with my family and we had a great time. something about lots of food and dessert shared with the feeling of the impending holidays really sets the mood for a great time. little dude had a great time too. he told me all about the mayflower ride with the pilgrims and how they took the land from the native americans. it is so much fun to compare the years and how his concept of the meaning is beginning to mold itself. the only time he really showed a temper is when he realized mcdonalds was closed later in the day.. whew. he just couldn't understand why!

i ended up worked 1130pm to noon on black friday at target. it was interesting trying to decide when to sleep and where or even.. how. i think i totaled a two hour nap beforehand. something about the screaming public always ceases to amaze me. is an xbox 360-kinect bundle really that important? but alas, people were losing their sh!t over it. 

little dude had to spend the night with his dad's mom. he learned fun things like what a sleeping bag is. he thought it was the coolest. he also had his cousin to stay with him. i hear they had a blast! (so thank you, nanny for keeping him!)  of course, i did end up in a verbal match with luke's uncle. HI THERE! (he let it be known he reads this blog) he has set a fire in me with his malicious words to date again. to do something for myself. while i'm very happy with my life, maybe i should spend some time on myself every once in a while. so i started today; i shaved my legs. hahaha. but really, it's true. here's to showing those who hate me that i REALLY AM over luke's DAD.

thankful.

i'm sick right now with an upper respiratory infection. rather than feeling awful and swallowing myself in the illness, i feel compelled to write the obligatory "i am thankful for.." post.  i can complain a lot but in the end, i do have a good life filled with good laughs, great people with warm hearts and witty attitudes, and a little 3 feet tall man by my side who gives me kisses on my eyelids every morning. i could focus on the things lacking but i'm typically content with what i have.

my mom and i had the tumultuous teen years that i'm sure most girls shared with their mothers. why is this woman acting like she knows everything? she can't possibly understand what i'm feeling or going through. yes, because mothers have never been there before.  with the demise of my parent's relationship and the impending birth of my child all in one year, my mother and i found ourselves with no one but each other to lean on. sure, we had well-meaning family and friends but no one really "understood" the situation but her and i.  looking back on 2007, i can say i am thankful for that time for bringing us to the relationship we share today. when people say situations can tear you apart or bring you closer, i'm so thankful it brought us to this level of closeness i never thought i could share with her. when she or i works extra and miss the opportunity to have a day off together, i feel it. i feel like i'm missing my "venting" partner. i'm missing the other half that gets me. i mean, i do share some of her dna after all. i know that there are times when we get on each other's nerves but we always  recover. we never let it linger. i'm so thankful she can still talk to me after the horrible things i have said in those teen years. she is seriously my hero.. and i know it sounds "corny" but i really, truly mean that. what an amazing woman.. and GRANNY to my little dude! she loves him as much as i do and would do anything for him.  i'm so thankful he has that sort of grandma that i have as well.

my family should be on my thankful list as a whole. each of them has done something for me without hesitating. my uncle gary gets out of bed at 7am to jump off my car due to a dead battery, my aunt lori has taken my son to school at 7:45am because i couldn't, my uncle john who has bailed me out SO.MANY.TIMES, my granny who has watched luke even though she has limited mobility.. etc. how blessed am i??? but lets talk about someone who REALLY goes unnoticed. samantha. she's my cousin. she's kind of amazing. that girl will answer my text back that i forgot to send allll day at 11pm to say "yes" that she can pick my child up from school. there have been times she has gotten up at 7am to lay with my child while i was at work. she does ...a....lot... for child and i. actually, luke begs to see samantha on my days off. he'd rather be at her house with her and her mario skillzzz than me when i'm at home. i would take offense to this but i don't. i'm so thankful there is someone out there he cares that much about! thank you, sam. seriously. with all of my heart.

my two jobs. the most understanding people at either job. many people don't even have one job in this economy. somehow, i've lucked up with two. the people at the daycare are the sweetest/craziest bunch of

women i have ever met. i have only worked there a short time and have called out a lot due to hospitalizations and illnesses. while i seriously shouldn't have a job there still, i do because they care. for some reason, they understand. they help me. they listen. i can't thank God enough for bringing this job into my life. i love my three-year-olds. although i have lost my voice for the first time while teaching them, i love each of those crazy kids like they are my own. my other job i've been with for 6 years, i love it. i enjoy the people i work with now. those crazy girls at the front end have made me laugh when i've

been too exhausted to smile. i know i could trust them if i needed them. that is hard to say these days.

more soon.

square one. again.

luke's dad is no longer engaged. i've been over him romantically for a while. years even. he began coming around again for a week or two. it was nice; a little pseudo family unit. little dude loved it. he wanted to take pictures of the two of us together (his dad and i). reluctantly at first, i caved. the photo session lasted for about 30 minutes. although as i said -i am over his father-, i'd be lying to myself and everyone else if i didn't share that it felt nice to have a partner to help wrangle the kiddo in. someone who can love luke as much as do; someone who is 50% of him as well.  

i was really ok with his fiance and himself being together. it took a very long time for me to come to that  conclusion but i had accepted it.. and her.. 100%. alas, i get nervous about the future women his dad will date. potential step mothers. will they be good enough? i've found myself worrying about it. i've stalked his facebook page to check if there are any potential suitors. i'm pretty sure there is one. i know i can't pick the partner for him but good grief.. we are as different as night and day.  

and i will admit.. and never admit to admitting this.. i am slightly disappointed that the family unit will never be complete. is that wrong? how can i be over someone and still be disappointed that we will never be together? answer- i'm not sure. i just know that it still feels like rejection every time i'm not a choice.. though i'm positive i'd never accept.  but the question still remains time and time again: why was i never good enough to be the one? why was i never an option for affection? why was i never fought for?

i'm such a walking contradiction.

discipline.

a little part of me gets aggravated when others discipline my child.
especially when they don't understand how he works...

not saying the kid doesn't deserve discipline;
i'd just like to teach people how to talk to him.

health scare number 584 of the year.

hello there, loyal readers. i apologize once again for my absence.

i have an excuse. i promise. 

my kiddo was feeling a little under the weather two weeks ago but i promised him a trip to the national fair. before we left, he threw up. weird, i thought. he never vomits. so i decided to stop in at a medstop to let the doctor take a gander. 

yikes.

there, his pulse ox was 85! yes, 85 at four years old. major concern. so after a chest xray confirming what we thought, to the ER we went. his lungs presented a dark spot.. maybe signifying pneumonia so we wanted answers. fast.

at the ER, he continued having problems moving air in his lungs. he had 2 blood gases drawn (super painful in the artery).. they confirmed a major issue with the gas exchange in his lungs. basically, his oxygenated blood was mixing with his deoxygenated blood. no bueno.  he was placed on 50% oxygen but this didn't increase his pulse ox. after a while, he was placed on 100% o2 and an ambulance ride later, arrived at the local children's hospital. there we spent two nights. grueling nights. you.can.not.sleep. in the hospital. luckily, i have amazing family to visit often and my mother who stayed with us those nights. 

in the end, it was confirmed to be mycoplasmal pneumonia .. and perhaps something else fueling the fire. but definitely mycoplasmal pneumonia. little guy was so puny, it was sad. 

we have since been discharged. as with most pneumonia, it will be a long road to recover 100%. breathing treatments and antibiotics for 14 days as well as regular checks with a pulse oximeter. he seems better. his personality is back. he has even started school again. we are just on high alert. no soccer (bummer!). no running. no outdoors fun. 

i could whine about my house and car being a complete wreck because we haven't had time to unpack or clean. i could cry because i had already used my time up for the last hospitalization so my next two paychecks will be nothing. and i guess by even mentioning it, i am. however, i am a firm believer that God does not give you more than he thinks you can handle. so i'm going to truck along in this messy environment, broke as a joke.. because you know what? the sacrifices are fine as long as my boy is with me. 

and also. thank you so much  to everyone for the prayers, calls, texts, emails, support in general. it was so humbling the people who reached out.  we really felt all of you prayers!

sickness, illness, and death.

yep. i have bronchitis. i can feel in the bases of my lung lobes.
my mom looks like she has thrush except it's actually strept throat.
did i mention we live together?
however, hallelujah. luke is well (fingers crossed, knock on wood, etc).

a guy i used to occasionally hang out with passed away.
his body was found in a cemetery this morning.
the cause of death is yet to be released.
but i heard it may have been a gun shot wound to the head.
so unfortunate.
i feel so sorry for his sister and family.

on a very different note.
there is a 13 year old girl i know who changed my life.
she had a 6 hour invasive surgery two days ago.
please pray that her spiking temperature isn't signs of pneumonia.


xo

AHH. BREATHE.

i'm falling behind on this here ole blog. actually, i'm falling behind on life in general.

i have many things to say.. i just do not have the time at the moment.

here are some highlights .. i'll elaborate later----

1. it is midnight. i got home from job numero dos at 11pm. being the procrastinator i am, i finished two papers before the midnight mark. because naturally, they were due at midnight.
2. i'm constantly exhausted.  i  am having  a hard time keeping my eyes open during the day.
3. after contemplating red bull, 5 hour energy, i'm still at a loss. i find myself drinking about 5 cokes a day.. and all of the brown mess is starting to make me feel like a slug.
4. most importantly, i forgot to mention that little dude's fever wouldn't go away after six days so.. he was hospitalized at a nearby children's hospital. this warranted 6 days absent from school. no worries, all i well now.
5. we gave away one of the puppies so far.
6. i got to speak with a child life specialist after said hospital stay. it was enlightening.. and one step closer to being in the profession i want to be in.
7. my mom has strep. i have.. something. bronchitis? i don't know. 
8. kid is good.
9. i miss my grandpa and mention him in my school papers all of the time.
10. i love my uncle john and everything he does for my little fam.
11. i need new shoes for dude. he outgrew his sandals.. in 3 months. major outgrew.
12. we started to take on learning our letters and the sounds they make.
13. i'm itching for new art projects. i've been feeling so creative.
14. one of my dearest friends, abby wilson, had invasive surgery today to extract some tumors from her lungs. i've been in prayer all day. won't you do the same? 

.... ummmmm

yes . more soon.

advice to newly single mamas.

what i have learned in the past 4 years:

- make sure you have wipes in your car and in your purse. .. you just never know. even past the age of diapers, there will be messes and you’re going to kick yourself if you don’t have them.

- use the first fews years to do what you want. do what YOU want to accomplished. this will change when it is your child’s turn to have a life. (ie- soccer games, school commitments, etc.) get everything out of your way before the age of 4. or be like me: online classes. they are fabulous.

- accept support and help! without my mom, aunts, cousin, and select few friends.. i don’t know what i’d do. it really does take a village to raise a child.. especially if you’re a single mom.

- take lots of self portraits with your child! if you don’t, you’ll never have pictures of yourself with your child. don’t think it’s silly; you just don’t have anyone to take them for you! i made it a tradition to take one a week when he was small. now we do them on major outings or special occasions.. like the first day of school.

- if the daddy isn’t involved, don’t sugar-coat it. they will ask. you just have to tell them the truth. this also goes without saying.. never badmouth your ex in front of your child. never.

- find a special place for just the two of you. “your space”. my son and i go to atlanta. it is 1.5 hours away. it is our place to go. only us. he thinks it is so special.

- when you do start dating, do.not. let your child meet every man you date. only the special ones. and only after you are truly certain they will be around for awhile. luke has met one man in 4 years.

- know that if and when you break up with someone, your child is breaking up with them as well. they will hurt right along with you.

- get a dependable car. seriously. you do not want to get stranded due to car problems. chances are, you don’t know how to fix the problem and without a manly man, the cost will be pricey. so bite the bullet. get something that will work and last.

  what about you other people out there? what advice do you have to share?

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

ive gotta feeeevaaa!

the boy's fever is still there. spiking every few hours when the motrin or tylenol is wearing off. i'm getting cabin fever though i did go do some damage at the mall yesterday. however, when you spend a third of what the receipt says you saved.. well, that's accomplishment!  

i picked up some cupcakes at a new place in own. delicious! i figured the sweetness and color would lure luke in to eating some (kid loves cupcakes). no such luck. i guess his throat really does hurt that bad. boo. 

here is a little insight in the single mom (and i'm sure married moms experience this too) world: 

my child is going to be out of school for some days. how many that actually totals is unknown right now. his actual school excuse from the doctor says "luke t. was seen in our office on 9-16-11. may return to school on ___ blank". we just don't know. so disheartening. since today is sunday, i am faced with the uncertainty of the week ahead. no more putting it off. who is going to keep my child for me while i work? luckily, my amazing mom is off wednesday and thursday.. but what about monday, tuesday, and friday? i don't get paid for sick days at my new job. what am i going to do? 

the downside to being a single mom. no one to barter or compromise with. it is all on me. it is a big responsibility to ask someone to watch my child with mono. what to do. what to do.

...

doesn't fall make you want a significant other?

2 things happened.. a positive and a negative.

a few things of note happened today. i'll start with the least important.

i watched blue valentine tonight. why does this matter? i believe that on this blog a few months ago, i said something to the effect of "i will never watch blue valentine." why did i say that? let me jog your memory.

i went through this break up with big c.  remember him? i thought that was it for me. he was my one. then we broke up. i was slightly devastated. (slightly, ya know... :) )... we had plans to watch blue valentine. over and over we meant to watch it but it was never available at the red box when we went. so i associated that movie with him. it's a romantic love story. top that with memories of big c. i was boycotting the movie.  then something happened to quarantine me to my house. movies were in order. blue valentine made its way into my bag and that was that. a tiny milestone if you will. it is like the burning of my bra for women's rights or something.. but not really. i like wearing bras. 

how was the movie? dragging. not nearly as good as i had anticipated. oh well. it is probably for the best.

and now for the important thing that happened today.

remember on my last post how i said luke was spiking a fever and i was crapping my brains out? i'm all better. kinda. but guess what luke's fever decided to peak at at 6am this morning? 1 0 freakin 4. 104 DEGREES, PEOPLE! i called my icu nurse mom. frantically asking if she thought it warranted an er visit.. she calmed me down. motrin and tylenol later, his fever was at 100. still not good but definitely not 104. after a strep test and blood test for mono, his strep was negative and the mono was FREAKING POSITIVE. MONO, PEOPLE. MONO. 

holy crap. we are indoors. movies, pizza (at luke's request),  and lots of fluids. that's the regimen. good grief. my poor, poor baby. his fever never really breaks. it worries me. but under strict orders, we are monitoring the degreeage (yes, i made that up) on the hour. we are making sure it doesn't get to 105 because yeah, that warrants an er visit.

prayers for my kiddo. he's so upset he is missing his soccer game tomorrow!

oh. and here are two pictures to show that my mom and i love the crap out of little dude.

 because when you have mono, grannies feel bad 

and buy you that $20 mario costume to cheer you up.

and mama's night stand boasts everything needed for a good night's rest:

tissues, tylenol and motrin, a thermometer, 

a notepad to make sure i know which med i gave last,

a book to read (God Loves Single Moms.. haha), 

and some toys for entertainment until that temp comes down.

whew. wish me luck. and again, pray for my dude.

contagion.. or something.

so, i woke up roughly around 4am to the stomach ache from hell. i ran to the bathroom where the beast started its twenty-four hour wrecking on my body. thank you, stomach virus!

the trips to the bathroom were frequent.. i'd say less that ten minutes apart. i tried sleeping through the urge to go but that idea was a major fail. calling in sick was a must.

thankfully, i have an amazing family member (sam!) who picked the kid up from my house to take him to school. i, then had my day cut out for me. the toilet and i became bffs. i tried sleeping in between sudden trips to the loo but to no avail. finally around 2pm, my alarm went off to let me know it was time to get the kid from school..

except i couldn't get off of the toilet. i was thirty freakin minutes late picking up my child. i felt like the worst mama in history. to add that proverbial icing, the coordinator of the school saw me entering the parking lot to "just let me know" that a cop would get me for speeding in his parking lot. thank you, kind sir. did i not just mention i'm late picking up my son because i'm crapping my brains out? oh, here comes to vomiting. yes, THANK YOU! just what i need. now both ends hate me. did i fail to mention that my ass really needs desitin to walk at this point? but i'll make sure to keep my speed at a minimum.

so, i finally grab my boy.. or rather, they bring him to me for fear of infecting the whole class. luke lets me know that one- his friend hit him twice (with tears in his eyes), and two- he feels sick as well. oh goodie gumdrops.

he was actually ok when we got home. we sat in the recliner watching tv in between my visits to the bathroom. around 8pm, he starts crying for no apparent reason. at this point, i've gone ONE HOUR without a bathroom trip.. and to me, this means i've ended my friendship. except no, no. that was a cruel joke. my friend returns.

so, back to my flailing child who has forgotten to use his words. i check his head- oh he's burning up! yeehaw. he's so limp at this point.. all he wants to do is lay his head down and cry some more. i finally get his motrin in and he's out in 10 minutes....

did i mention my mom has to spend the night with my grandma so it is going to be an extra fun doing this alone... and on the toilet??


lets see what tonight holds.. (prayers needed)...

to the bathroom i go!


(ps. i tagged this post under death. and that is pretty much what it feels like)

full circle.

when i first started college.. a mere DECADE ago... i met one friend. the college was a junior college; it was out in the middle of a small town. the people there were super country. as in, i was taking an art class and the town petitioned that we could not have nude models to draw. yes, country. at the time, there was only a hardee's to eat at. it was culture shock 30 minutes from home! meeting friends wasn't something i was there to do. i went to class everyday then promptly turned my car around and drove straight home. but like i said: i made one friend.

he has a funny name so i wanted to meet him. i knew we'd be friends. by the end of the two years there, we were carpooling. we had a good time. so simple. nothing more than friends. after all, i have a boyfriend.

after those two years, we lost touch. i went to atlanta, he went to florida. weirdly enough, he moved back as did i. he worked at the hospital with my parents and they would update me when they saw him. he was a really good guy.

time moved on. we never really talked. i knew how he was doing on the surface because of my parents. then i entered nursing school and he was in my class. he was now friends with someone i considered a best friend at one time. it was awesome. he was still a really good guy. by this time, i had luke. i wasn't interested in anything. but something about him being interested in someone else hurt me.

i pushed him away. i'm pretty sure he thought/thinks i'm crazy.

fast forward to the best friend i once considered. she got married recently. my dear friend was there. he's still a really good guy. and i'm trying to convince him to be my friend. only friends. i don't think i'd ever want to mess up the awesome friendship i know we are capable of.

so weird how life comes full circle. a decade later.

never forget.

where were you?

i remember dreading the day. it was a gorgeous day but i was not ready for this new week of high school. i hated high school but i loved my boyfriend. seeing him there made it tolerable. so, reluctantly, i got ready for this tuesday. it also happened to be my cousin's birthday. i was ready to wish her a happy birthday.. not wish the day never happened.

i remember going into second period graphics class with ms. mitchell and everyone in the hallway was talking and saying something major had happened. since i could have cared less about those people, i made my way to my class without much thought.

there, ms. mitchell had the tv on and told us all to hurry to the screen to watch the images showing before us. the world trade center had been hit by an airplane. we thought, "wow. that pilot made a major error!" we were silent. the second plane then hit the second tower. we gasped. some of us screamed. no one was sitting in a chair. we couldn't move and time stood still. some of us had tears. this was not a mistake by some pilot. this was a plan.

for the next few hours, the school was on lock down. the base across the street was on lock down. parents couldn't release their children from school. base employees couldn't leave their offices. it was chaotic but not. everything was eerily still. all we wanted to do was go home and hug our parents. we couldn't. then the rumors started.

"the terrorists have a list. warner robins is on that list." (we have a very large air force base full of weapons)

we all couldn't comprehend the events before us. i was senior! it was suppose to be a celebration! i had just lost my childhood dog of 13 years a few days prior and now our country was no longer as safe as we all thought. i was also ridiculously obsessed with new york at the time and i grew angry at the thought of it being under attack.

my boyfriend and i stood still. we hugged each other. our eyes were permanently dilated that day. when i got home, my mom was glued to the tv. we talked about our experiences of the day. we just could not believe how many would be effected. we were effected.

so. 10 years later, one child later. a few colleges and boyfriends later. i'm still here. and i still remember.

i can't help but look at my child and thank God he has his innocence. thank God he wasn't alive for that terrible day.

never forget. we are not invincible.

are you out there?

anyone out there? .. silence...

well, i'm here. barely. my days start at 6am and end around 11pm if i'm lucky. yesterday i didn't step foot in my house until 10pm. i have been so busy. i'm actually loving it! my self esteem has been boosted since i'm bringing in some more dough. i feel like i can actually contribute to the raising of my kiddo again. true story.

today luke had his first soccer game. it went well. he played some good defense (unintentionally, of course). little dude is just too shy, though. we have got to work on it. since his dad couldn't be there, i made sure he had the biggest crowd to compensate! i have such an amazing family and best friend. no joke.

in other news. i'm suffering a major allergy attack at the moment. i haven't had one in months! stupid georgia weather. can we decide if it still summer or fall? this week we were in the high fifties low sixties. today as i was decked out in jeans, it was HOT OUTSIDE. ugh. i hate the fickle weather here.

after the game, i had all intentions of getting to the pharm to pick up our meds. but guess what? luke and i laid down in bed at 1pm and woke up at 8pm. i guess we are both exhausted!! when we woke up, little dude said "whew. that was some good sleep!" he truly is my kid.

i keep having dreams about relationships. sometimes i miss it (like right before shutting my eyes for sleep) but most of the time i'm just too darn busy to care!! at least my dog likes licking my feet. it is close enough to a massage. hahahaa. i'm so lame.

pictures soon.
toodles.

soccer mom!

so little dude started soccer. woop woop. the first practice, it was blatantly obvious he is raised by a female with no athletic ability. yesterday, he did awesome! he even scored a goal!! woo to the hoo!

puppy update.

recently, my days have consisted of nursing this little guy. one day he just woke up and could barely put pressure on his legs. we checked the color of his tongue. it was pale white so we knew something was going on. he was so lethargic because -being the runt- sometimes gets you pushed to the back. he just couldn't keep up with his two fatter brothers. luckily, a little bottle feeding every three hours has seemed to bring my pup back to himself. thank you, God.



i hope everyone has a good labor day! little dude and i are doing some deep cleaning.. rather, i am. he's playing mario brothers on the wii!

until next time.

in my own way.

i was reading another single mom blog and completely agreed with the content of a recent post. so, let me indulge.

under this sarcastic exterior of mine, i'm a pretty sensitive girl. i wear my feelings on my sleeve but no one realizes it. i internalize. i get knocked down. easily. i take things personal when they aren't meant to be. it doesn't matter what the situation is (not even always a dating problem), i will always pick myself up again. for myself. for my son. for my family. it may take me a little bit, but i will always get up again. in my own way.

a tad boring.

i made an 'a' in my one class. monday, i start two more. these are the classes that count. woo hoo.


in the world of rachael- i've become boring once again. i'm not looking to date anyone because i simply do not have any time. i'm content. i don't have much time to think because if i'm alone, i'm asleep. we have a strict 9pm bedtime these days. i wake up around 6am-ish and luke wakes up around 7. yep, we need our sleep. we just aren't morning people.


i've decided to surprise the parents of the children in my class with a present for christmas! i started working on it today... i'm so excited.

so................. how is everyone?

worrying.

when i was pregnant, i remember praying to hit the milestones without a hitch. ya know, the first ultrasound praying there would be a heartbeat. the 20 week ultrasound where you still hoped there would be a heartbeat as well as a healthy baby. 28 weeks.. knowing there was a chance of being viable. 34 weeks knowing your child has a strong chance. 37 weeks.. being full term and getting so excited. praying for 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as good apgar results.

what they fail to mention in the pregnancy books is that the worry doesn't stop at birth. it only multiplies from there. i remember luke having health problems; constant projectile vomit at every meal. countless doctor's appointments. then the diabetic test. the blood draws. the cystic fibrosis test. on pins and needles for results. i remember when we realized he had an eye that was misshapen; the doctor telling us that at least it was reacting to light but only time would tell if it was cosmetic or not. (note- he still has this misshapen eye.. an ophthalmologist should be consulted although kiddo can see)

then he headed to school a few weeks ago. i find myself questioning if he is where he should be mentally. i mean, he's smart. he can beat up to world 5 on mario brothers.. but he can't follow direction. is it affiliated with his eye? is it some form of dyslexia? what is it?

the problem is.. he is SO painfully shy. if he isn't understanding something, he will be the last to tell the teacher. he came home with homework a few days ago; just a test to see where he lies with his IQ. one of the questions said "tell your child to put a book in the middle of the table" i did. he didn't understand where the middle was. then it said "put a book between the couch cushions" .. he sorta understood this. lastly, "tell your child to put the book under a table." he didn't understand that at all. things like "end" or "beginning" have no meaning to him. you can point in an object's direction and he won't understand. in soccer, he didn't understand blocking the ball from going into the net although the other children seemed to get it. maybe i'm being overly worried. i'm' not sure. i just know that i'm concerned.

i've always been the type that would never use ADD/ADHD medication unless it was truly truly truly needed. as in.. a brain test or something measurable. so, i'm not going there. but..


ideas? thoughts?

9/11.

i plucked a gray hair from my scalp tonight while doing my nightly bedtime routine. i call that gray hair luke. i guess i'm getting old. one- because i found a gray hair and two- because i have a bedtime routine. in a few short weeks, my 10 year high school reunion will take place. where has the time gone?

i look back at being 17 almost 18.. 9/11 happened my senior year. i was in graphics class with ms. mitchell. everyone stared at the tv screen completely captivated with what was happening. and then the second plane hit. of course, living in a huge military town, everyone "heard" the terrorists would hit our town because we have the biggest air force base. rumors are funny with how fast they spread. our classes were on lock down. the base was on lock down. parents couldn't reach their kids by phone. it was a surreal nightmare.

i remember coming home to my mom in a trance with the tv blaring. it is like the day stood still. can you believe it will be 10 years in a few weeks? wow. it still seems just like yesterday. one of those memories you'll always remember where you were.

checking in.

one full time job. one part time job. throw in tuesday and thursday soccer practice for little dude. school online (average of three papers due weekly). oh.. being a mom. etc. that's my life. i do it because i choose to. for my son. for myself. i try not to complain. really. but good grief, i'm exhausted. mentally and physically. however, working 60+ hours a week has given me more energy. does that make sense? i'm waking up at 6am and working until five on most days, 10pm on others .. yet... i feel like i can tackle the global health problems or something. what gives? again, i can't complain. i'm feeling so much better about myself as well. i guess making more money and having a 5 o'clock pm off time really makes me feel grown up for something. and really, having my life so planned to the minute has made me happy that i'm single.

anyway. i promise a good post on the latest this weekend. (ya know, on my one off day- sunday!)

xo

...really?

after a long night of congestion, i woke up to this:

i guess after i actually look at that awful picture, i realize it isn't as noticeable as it is in person. anyway, i've got pink eye. good grief. so. the list adds up to- 102 degree fever, strep, ear infection, coughing, congestion, and pink eye. holy. crap.

and so, life goes on.

i'm alive. barely.

sorry friends. i disappeared. since working with the kiddos, i've had a 102 degree fever, tonsils aching, and some serious nasal congestion. i'm working through it. today was my first day off so i spent some much needed time in the bed asleep. thank God for my mom. have i said that lately?

in the teaching world, i have to say i am beginning to really enjoy it! i can't wait to build up my immune system though. and my boy is sick as well. darn those snotty children!

i'll be back soon when i deflate my head. just letting you few out there that email me know that i am in fact alive!

pray for us and our health. thanks guys :)

xo

super busy single mom.

i started a new job today.. as a teacher with my own classroom.. to three-year-olds. what a daunting task! however, it will provide the experience i need in order to apply for my internship for my degree which is always exciting. i'm making good on my five year plan this way! it also nice to be able to contribute to lives of children and help shape who they become. (ask me how i feel in a few weeks!) but honestly, i'm excited. the only thing my heart is really missing out on is dropping luke off at his school and picking him up. it was always so super rewarding to do those things. i'm still receiving the daily emails from his school letting me know what he's up to but i can't help but yearn for my child when i'm around 15 others that aren't him. lets just say... i covered him in hugs and kisses when i got home!!

i'm still going to work in retail to keep my insurance... along with going to school full time. (what am i thinking??) you do what you have to do. such is life as a mom. and especially a single mom. 

luke should be starting soccer practice within the next couple of weeks! opening day is september 10th. we will be so super busy. i can't wait! i think.  i will be his biggest fan.

playing catch up.

warning: huge picture post.

thursday, august 11th, i met up with a good friend from a decade ago (holy crap, i'm old) and we took a trip to atlanta. we went to see our favorite band, death cab for cutie. if you have never heard of them, shame on you. they are amazing. anyway, we entertained ourselves with some robot dancing, fist pumping, and of course.. the fabulous voice of ben gibbard!

note- i did not drink and drive.

i was just holding the drink while kim snapped the photo of the robot!

a little fist pumping action. before this, we had been virgin fist-pumpers.

kimster and i.

our feet. mine are on the right. i scored these hideous things for $5

and i love everything about them. picture worthy, for sure.

we ate at my favorite late night spot in atlanta, fellini's pizza.

if you haven't ever eaten there, GO!

my mom bought an extra wii controller so two people can play. sounds perfect, right?

unfortunately i'm super competitive and i won't allow my son to win.

bad mom.

on saturday, i was itching to do something creative. i never get this feeling anymore.

usually i'd rather just sleep.

 but this table was driving me insane with the "catch all" it had become.

so i scoured the house and found a few things.

did the reno on the free.

granted, this is NOT  my style. but it is my mom's house.

and her things. so ..

i decided to do a little "country shabby chic" thing she loves.

the end product. i think it turned out decent! 

the dried flowers in the pitcher are from my grandpa's funeral.

some people may think that is weird on the table..

but if you are allergic as i am to anything that grows, you'll love dried flowers.

before heading to the store, luke wanted a little photo time.

notice his hair? spur of the moment mallory trip.

 he loves it; as do i!

seriously, he should model.

i can't believe i was part of making such a gorgeous kid.

so. same day i was feeling creative? i should have stopped at the table setting.

i decided to cook. um. i can't boil water properly.

but i tried my and at eggplant parm. it WOULD HAVE been good

but the eggplant didn't cook long enough so there was no biting in to that rubber.

oh well, the dogs liked it.

and lastly. around here we are gearing up to play our first sport-- soccer!

someone even wore their cleats to sunday dinner today.

there ya have it!

i have much more to share about some major changes.

but i'm going to wait until tomorrow.

xo

5 years.

sorry. i briefly stepped away for a moment. i haven't been lazy though; actually, the opposite. a major picture post coming later tonight.

in the meantime, a  where do i want to be in five years post.

on this day in five years, i will be 32. (whoa..) little dude will be 9. (double whoa..)  i hope to be a child-life specialist, certified with bachelors degree in hand. living wherever that career takes me. i hope to be self-sufficient and living (maybe owning) my own place. i want to be considering a second child, whether that be via sperm bank or husband. i hope to be available to my son by taking him to soccer, baseball, or whatever practice and helping him with his homework. i hope to be living by the dave ramsey plan (envelope system) and in turn, be debt-free. i want to be able to claim a "dish" as my signature dish. which means... i want to know how to cook. daily. and save money doing so. i want to be  the "cool mom" but also be a mom. not just a friend. i hope to continue being best friends with my mom and close with my family. in five years, i hope to be toned by doing a regular exercise routine (maybe take up running instead of making excuses?).  i hope to have a church family and participate actively in that environment. i want to be healthy.

i have a lot i need to accomplish. i can.not.wait.

wait.

...there *may* be a job interview tomorrow. and i *may*  really hope i get it. so i need some prayers this way!

details tomorrow.

in the meantime.. on the way home from the sitter today luke says,  "that stop sign is an octagon because it has eight sides."

i guess school is teaching him things!!  woohoo!!

what i DO have

feeling needed, wanted, and unconditionally loved are basic human needs. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever going to be content with just being alone. if raising my son is "enough". but what happens when he leaves to better himself? soon, i won't be his world. instead he'll have his own group of friends he wants to talk to and play with. what will i do then?

it is so easy to focus on what i could have but what about what i do have? i can't complain. i could always tell you all of the things that would improve my life but what good will that do? i have it pretty good now.

1. my son is healthy and smart.
2. i have a roof over my head and food on the table.
3. i have a strong relationship with my mother.
4. hands down, i know at least 3 ladies who would pick up the phone at all hours to talk to me.
5. i have a job and a car.
6. i get aid to attend school (that i have an 'a' in)
7. i have an improving relationship with God.
8. i have this blog as an outlet.
9. i have books to read when i'm bored and/or lonely.
10. a supportive family.

i could list so much more.  the point is. all of this and my heart is still longing for someone to give it to. i wish i was stronger sometimes. i'm just an "all in" type of girl. i wasn't cut out for dating.

"the right time"

i've been thinking about something i recently talked about: "right girl, wrong time." because the timing has to be right to fall in love as well as it being the right girl as well. well, let me tell you what i think about that.

if she is the right girl, you make it the right time.

people should stop feeding loads of crap to me. i'm a realist but i tend to think with my heart rather than my head when it comes to people i care about. do people realize how special it is to "meet the right boy/girl" ? how many people are out there that you can genuinely get along with?

so no, there is never a "right" time. you work at it. you make it. there is never a "right" time to have children, usually it is something that just happens. usually if you plan it, you have a difficult time. 

now. i am a planner. i'm a little bit of a  type-a. but i think when it comes to feelings, you should let it occur naturally. 

so. screw "the right timing". MAKE IT THE RIGHT TIMING.

good grief.

i feel like some unsuspecting victim is going to feel the Wrath of Rachael soon.  i think i've had enough internalizing and it's about to all come out. i'm a ticking time bomb. (i think i have referred to myself as this before on this blog) several factors. don't you wish you could just say everything you feel without being scared of how that person will react? i have a lot of not-so-nice things to say to some people but i've got that voice in my head saying, "if you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." mommyhood 101. so that is what i'm doing; i'm being "nice". even if it eats me alive.

sometimes it is tough getting through the day. ever since luke started school (ya know, a mere four days ago), he has been exhausted. he has been crying over everything. he is one of those kids that says "i want a toy".. "but i want a toy".. over and over and over. where is the off button on kids? i can only hear "can i play wii when we get home" after saying 'no', so many times before i explode. tonight i had to make a run to walmart for two things: concealer and no-show socks for luke. it was getting late. i was tired. i wanted to be done and go home. i made it very clear before even getting in the car that we would only be getting these two items and we were going home.  it was a nightmare. saying he wanted a toy AT LEAST forty times, followed by rejecting the idea from me, turned into full.blown.crying.tantrum. then he wanted to be held. he's 36 pounds. he's tall. it doesn't sound like a lot but it is when you have to carry it around. so he cried because i wouldn't hold him. soon, i wanted to cry along with him.

times like those i think back to when i was a child. i remember acting crazy in the store and all my mom had to say was, "it's ok. i'm going to tell your dad when we get home." it inflicted immediate fear and then panic mode. i was the perfect angel. worked like a charm. granted, my dad is a lot of things .. but i can count the times he spanked me. it didn't matter. something about a man who is possibly four times to size of little ole me made me straighten up. i don't have that. luke doesn't fear anything. nothing really works. i take toys away. i put him in the corner. i "spank" him. (don't go calling DFACS. that kid gets it easy). nothing phases him. i should add that he is really good for everyone but me. he saves it for me. and i guess if i really think about it, i'd rather it be this way than him be TERRIBLE at school or for a sitter. at least it is my problem and i can handle it.. even when i feel like crawling in a hole.

at the end of the day, i look back to reflect on things that happened during that day. i generally get upset with how i reacted in certain situations. i do wish i was like some of my friends that were put on this world to breed children. who never break a sweat. and only occasionally lose their cool. i have never been that person. i just really hope i don't cause some deep down psychological disorder in my child as he gets older. the kid already has a lot on his plate. his "teammate" needs to be his form of solace. good grief. i need to work on it.


just to show that not everything sucks the life out of me. here are some pictures from the weekend.  quality isn't good; the phone pics, of course.

little dude does indeed have bieber fever.

and he loves posing for pictures. 

he told me to take a picture of him "against this wall". nerd.

my dearest, piper gave birth to five puppies this morning. 

we helped her with her labor. 

the only girl in the litter was a stillborn. 

it is always so sad when that happens.

luke's first day.

i suppose i should add to my last post (but i'm not. i'm doing it here), that WAS about you. but you knew that. i'm pretty sure.

anyway, something MAJOR happened today: my child started school. i knew it was coming. we prepared for weeks. the mario backpack.. the clothes. but then? it really happened. my alarm clock laughed in my face at 6:40am telling it was going to happen. granted, at 6:40am i'd rather pretend he's still 2 years old and he isn't growing up so that i could pull the covers back over my head. but, alas. it happened. the world is growing older,  i guess my son is too.

i think the hardest part was pretending to be "SUPER" excited so he'd get out of bed. admittedly, he inherited my "i hate mornings" gene. so, after some prying him from the comfort of the sheets, we managed to make him presentable. insert "the look" here.

he's a realist already. 

overall, he did well. i didn't cry. i surprised myself. i took a loooong nap after returning home which was a blessing. afterward, it was time to pick dude up. 

i have promised him for a year that we'd visit the "batman store" in town. so, i surprised him and we went . it's just an old comic book store. he was pretty much in heaven. when i asked how his day was he said "i don't know what to tell you." alright then? but, that's my dude. i expect nothing less.

now. for the obligatory pictures!

rut.

i'm stuck in a rut. i guess you could say it is a "down" day. sometimes life is just too much; i need a time out. 

i feel like there isn't enough time in the day. that i'm not doing a very good job at giving my child enough attention. that i'm failing. i feel like my needs aren't being met. 

there is nothing more disheartening than sitting in your child's very first school orientation with the other 21 couples and being the only single mom. hello, south. i did choose a table where a man was sitting without his wife.. because she's still on vacation and he had to come to ask her questions for her. i just felt incomplete. i was holding my head tall because i'm not ashamed of my situation but i still felt something was missing. 

everything boils down to me. i have to ask the questions to the teacher, talk with the other parents (this does feel like dating), make sure my child is capable of interacting with others in the classroom. i have to make sure all of the paperwork is properly in place and taken care of. i ran so many errands today just tying up loose ends with the paperwork involved. the pediatrician had to write a prescription stating luke can't drink or eat anything dairy. that soy milk must be involved. i had to meet the new woman who will pick up luke from school when i can't. i have to pay said woman. sometimes, i feel spread so thin.

and then of course, i lean on people that i know will offer encouraging words. but is it healthy the people i choose? no. they aren't available and really, i'm not capable of being "just friends" with an attractive male. somehow, i will want more. when i can't get what i want, i'm just mad. and then  i question what is wrong with me. never.ending. 

so. i need a break. from life. from attractive men who are always taken. from mommy-duty. just one day. one day i want to be alone and do whatever it is i want to do. or meet new, single friends. do those exist? i'm not sure at the age of 27. they are either engaged, married, pregnant, or going through a divorce. i don't really need to take on anyone else's problems at the moment. sooo not strong enough right now.

but. i know that tomorrow, i will wake up. it will be a new day. i will be one step closer to getting rid of huge zit that is making me look like a teenager. i will go to work. i will make it better than today. it is my son's last night- tomorrow- before he starts school for the next two decades. i'm going to make the most of it. i may even throw him a mom-granny-and luke party. why not?

in the end. i'm the mom. if i'm not going to do it, who will? .. ... exactly. i'm tough.

make you notice.

I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me
-kings of leon 

seriously, i know. the most over-played kings of leon song. the song that "sold them out". the only song "fake" kings of leon fans like. so, sue me. no matter how many times i hear this song, it brings out the LOUD vocals. the tears. the screaming alone in my car. i love this song. tugs at the heart strings because i feel every word mr. followill sings. i mean, if i have to show my "true fan before they sold out and became mainstream card", i saw them way back in the dizz-ay (day, duh) when they were no one opening up for the strokes. circa 2003-ish? so--- what then!

anyway, point of this post. do you ever feel like screaming in someone's face-- "what do i have to DO to make you notice me!??!!" grrr. i feel like this often. when will i have someone who feels that way about me? what if there IS someone that feels that way about me and just doesn't tell me? but what if someone does tell me how they feel and i don't feel that way in return? ahh.. what if the man i feel that way about would rather me keep it to myself because he doesn't want to reject me? catch 22.

what would YOU do?

MIA.

oops. i've been m.i.a.  we had such a busy weekend. we are now winding down. i'm staying at my grandma's house while my uncle goes on a date in atlanta. um.. yeah. so enough about that. luke is with my mom at our house. this has only happened a couple times in his short life. . i feel at a loss when he isn't with me. grr.

so, here's a recap.

i made this wreath for my beautiful friend. she got married last night and can i say.. it was a fantastic time! i cried like a baby that my wittle girl was getting married. i've known kimster for a decade now since we were high schoolers.. goodness. i love her so much. she is off in st. lucia with her new husband having the time of her life.

took luke to a little greek restaurant this weekend as well. the hummus was so tasty. 

luke's pizza! since little dude has been able to tolerate mozzarella, we enjoy personal pan pizzas. (it's the little victories)

and my tasty chicken gyro! mmm. such a treat.

anyway, i'll be back later with a heart-felt post. i have some things weighing on my heart.

GOD loves single moms.

so, i bought this new book. it is called, God loves single moms. silly, right? well-- whatever. i have seriously felt better since reading it. i get down on some days and sometimes it feels like life is caving in on my head. like the world is working against me. and can this paper write itself? can these idiot drivers get off of the road?  but like i said, the book. it makes me feel slightly better. i'm not alone even if i am, ya know?

i have a seriously busy weekend this week. i have a birthday party and wedding in one day. holy crap. i may be going solo to the wedding. but hey, that's ok if i really have to. i have to enjoy myself if anyone else is going to.

on another note. umm. so ya know when you start talking to someone from a dating website through email and then it moves to texting? .. then you ask if they could send a picture of them self to verify that they really look like what their profile said?. ..  and then you get this picture back and they are 200 pounds heavier and not at all what they said they looked like? and then they keep texting you back asking why you aren't responding? seriously? i mean. that has never happened me before, of course.. i mean. of course. oh- and i'm not superficial. but ya gotta have some physical attraction!