halloween, daylight savings time.

i don't know if it's the shorter days or the cold weather but i'm in some kind of funk.  i've been very low energy lately and bedtime can't come fast enough. i always go through this during the fall. it's funny because fall is my favorite season. the weather just makes you want to have a partner to keep you warm. sitting closely on the sofa under a blanket. the past decade i've been single more than i've been in a relationship. i need to change that. i need to put myself out there. meet men, not boys. someone that's going to choose me as his first choice.  i have this cycle where i find guys that are just getting out of relationships and need someone to mend their broken hearts. i guess i like playing the role of nurse because i've helped so many. but what's good about that for me? nothing. it's time to take charge because i'm worth it, damn it.


anyway, luke is doing great. his reading level has improved and homework hasn't been nearly as traumatizing. he is now in jiu jitsu and i think it's the best thing we've ever done. he actually told the teacher on one of the bullies! way to go, luke.

luke's on top practicing his crocodile hold.

everyone says i look like flo from progressive.. so i decided to be her.

i won $100 at work for best costume!

minecraft steve, flo, and darth vader.

halloween 2013.

this guy has a bed, a crate, and a toy box.. 

but he prefers a box luke drew on.

his minecraft creeper pumpkin.

the little five points parade!

little 5 points parade part deux.

luke and his friend johnny.

and i pretty much love kristin, johnny's mom.

i've been putting more effort into the way i look.

why not.

see? a dress!

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I just finished up the movie, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I knew it'd be sad; I had heard. Watching it alone and reacting the way I did/am has taken me by surprise. I'm sitting here, uncontrollably sobbing.  I'm ugly crying over everything that has bothered but I have never once cried about. Sobbing for the tragedy of 9/11. Sobbing for the child in the movie who is going to grow up without a dad. I'm crying for my own dad.. something I never done. Not once. I have never cried a drop because he left my family. I have never shed one tear about being left behind by someone who raised me... as if I was nothing. Maybe I'm having this emotional experience because I think about all of the families that are in tact. How I look around and see dads pushing their kids in the stroller to go on a jog in Piedmont Park. I brake for them everyday. How lucky are those people? Luke has never had that. How lucky are those women that have a helping hand? Someone who loves them and can share the partnership with. I bet it is a wonderful experience to be pregnant with a loving partner. Can you imagine? The only other person in the world that helped create the being growing inside you. The only other person who can possibly be as excited as you are for the impending arrival. WOW. What a dream that would be.

And this brings me back to my own dad. The man who told me more than once that I was unlovable. I can't be loved. I subconsciously carry those words with me all of the time. I never admit that to myself. It seems weak of me to do so. How can I even give those words any merit coming from the person they did? It doesn't matter.  I know it shouldn't bother me. But it does. Everyone talks about daddy's girl. Father's day was exceptionally hard this year. I think it was a combination of the endless facebook posts  from all of my friends. A picture of them with their own dad during some momentous occasion in their lives. Their dad walked them down the aisle. Their dad held their baby after birth. I'll never have that. Ever. It's as if my own dad died but I was robbed of the closure of a funeral. A sudden death. A tragic death that no one saw coming. But I did. I always knew.

I hate being cynical. The world has taught me to be this way. I'm going to admit that I'm incredibly lonely. And honestly? It doesn't bother me that often. Hardly ever, in fact. It's just a way of life. I happen to like my alone time. But at the end of the day, I'd like a partner. I'd like someone to share my day with. Someone that is thinking of me. I've never had someone stay. ... and I'm SO tired of investing myself to only lose that person. Am I unlovable? No, of course not. My son has shown me a love that no one else can. He wrecked my heart when he was born. A wreck in such a good, unexpected way. I'll never be truly alone with him in my life. And it's going to be a long life.

on leaving.

the final push to get everything in one city is this coming weekend. the final move. the moment luke and i will live under the same roof everyday, again. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i'm ecstatic. i'm sad.

it will be the first time i'm a "true" single mom. i've always lived with my mom and/or brother while being a mother. it wasn't traditional but i would have never been able to stand on my own two feet today without the support and help. my mom is my lifeline. i'm sad because this means leaving her in an empty house by herself. she isn't the most social person in the world. i'm just scared something will happen and no one will be there to help or discover her for a few days. i'm scared she'll come home and cry inside these blank walls. this is the hardest part for me. sure, handling luke exclusively will have its set of challenges but that doesn't bother me. we've been through thick and thin together. he's also a pretty good little dude. but leaving my mom?  a lump forms in my throat just thinking about it.

it all started to sink in tonight when i looked around my room and noticed nearly everything is packed. WHOA.  i've lived in this house since i was six. that's luke's age. sure, i moved out twice. but home is home. it's all i know. and for the first time, i realized this is going to be harder than i imagined.

the room i'm in now started off 24 years ago as my brother's room. it had striped wallpaper at the bottom with a border around the middle full of vintage airplanes. the walls at the top were blue. he had a race car bed at some point... and i had a WATER BED. (hahaha) i had the back bedroom. i remember moving in and demanding my dad to measure the rooms. i NEEDED the bigger room. turns out, the back room was 1 inch larger. i took it and painted it pink before you could blink. years and years later, i moved into this room after having luke and my brother moved out. i liked the large window that the other room lacked. i painted the trim and walls. i made it my own. and now.. i'm leaving it.

i know this is the natural progression of things. i know that most people have already moved out by my age. i get that. but i love my mom. when my dad walked out, it was she and i picking each other up. me picking up the pieces my dad left her, her picking up the pieces that i needed glued together to be a single mom. my dad left in may 2007. luke was born in june. funny how things work out that way. most people don't have the relationship my mom and i have. i'm so grateful for her. she's my backbone.

how luke feels about sofa shopping.

we're not related.

post getting my first facial. no makeup?

no problems? ..

8 pounds down. YES.

my pretty ma  and little lucy.

FREEDOM, MERICA.

i picked luke up from warner robins on the third with the intention of spending time with him in atlanta until sunday. in those days, we'd go on a marta ride to centennial olympic park to see the fireworks. apparently mother nature was against the country's freedom this year for the south as we experienced torrential downpours all . week . long. everyone canceled their fireworks shows EXCEPT for olympic park. good thing because i promised this certain kid that we'd go for the second year in a row to see this shindig. so after a day of thunder and lightning, we braved it. 

i was a bit nervous as this was my first time really navigating the marta system by myself. sure, i did it at georgia state but do you know that was about 8 years ago? also, the school gave us the stops we needed to get off of so it was no brainer. not to mention there were tons of other students taking the same route. anyway, enough trying to justify the anxiety i had, we went to the inman park station and parked. from there, we took the train to the cnn center and got off. in . the . rain. i struggled to carry our chairs while still carrying my huge umbrella on the two of us. this single mom thing is so difficult sometimes. however, we got there in one, hobbling, wet piece. after spending $20 on overpriced popcorn, cotton candy, sprite, and a glow-in-the-dark necklace, we found a good spot amongst the crowd. to my surprise many people showed up despite the ridiculous weather. 

did i mention that my hair is getting curlier with age? it's awful. i didn't dry it that day. i decided it'd curl on its own with the weather outside but luke insisted that i straighten it. he said, "i hate curly hair. people will look at your curly hair and say ew." point taken. thank you, kind sir.  i straightened it and luke said, "you're so beautiful like that", by the end of the night it was a kinky mess. 

luckily, it seems the gods shined upon us and it didn't rain a drop an hour before and during the fireworks show. it was such a good show, too. i grin like a little girl when they start. what is it about fireworks? 

i was dog sitting all week for my friend, ben so we headed back to hang out with the pup. the next day we decided to bare the elements and walk to a nearby park. we found a community garden with tomatoes, strawberries, squash, etc. i just love this little community! sometimes i forget i'm in the middle of the city. 

in the end we visited three separate parks, did a lot of walking, got stuck in two downpours, opened an account at the local movie rental store (and rented a movie), and just had some overall fun. it was nice being in our new place together. i think he's really going to enjoy it. 

now.. i need to put myself out there and meet someone.

some pictures from our new apartment: (we still haven't moved in completely. that will take place on the 20th!)

pretty cupboards.

i built this by myself. who. needs. a guy?

i hung a picture!

luke's unfinished room.

and a bunch of other pictures from the long weekend: 

majestic diner with this little kid. we can walk there.

 LOVE.

meet chunji. luke's new friend.

they fell in love with each other.

he wanted to try out his shaving kit he got for christmas.

he kinda hated the feeling on his skin.

a rare, sunny moment. this is the local kid's park we walked to.

chunji was so disappointed she had to stay on the leash.

we discovered some ducks while walking around piedmont park.

this is from his first marta train ride. he thought it super cool.

the ride back? another story. think: drug deals.

fireworks in the park. it really doesn't get better than that.

they even shoot fireworks off the the buildings!

piedmont park fun. a nice break in the middle of the city.

it started rain -hard- on us. we ran for cover which came in the form of a pavilion.

we crashed an asian baby shower. whoops.

it's fun being a kid. we both jumped in puddles. we were SOAKING wet.

happy 6th, little dude!!

Dear little dude,

you are SIX. that's a whole hand PLUS one! what a year five was. you started and finished kindergarten.. where you realized you are not one of those kids that enjoys going to school! everyday you'd ask, "do i have school tomorrow??" and get really bummed when the answer was yes.  it wasn't that you were bad at school, you're great, i just think the whole -getting up in the morning- business isn't your cup of tea. i get it completely!

speaking of kindergarten and being great, you never once had your clip changed the the yellow or red! you always came home with an agenda full of smiley faces. i'm incredibly proud of the kid you are developing in to. you have such a tender heart.. i hope you keep that it that way for as long as possible. you always share without being told to, you always follow the rules from your teachers, you're just a good kid! despite your hatred for sight words... hm... but math? you're awesome at! and our next-door neighbor is your art teacher. she happens to think you're a really good artist. i'm so. proud.

this year you also outgrew being allergic to cheese. that's huge. you love cheese pizza but still a bit hesitant to try most foods that are white or just look like they are from the dairy family. i get it though. you also made it through the year without being hospitalized! yeah!  such a vast improvement from last year's five times. maybe your little immune system is growing.

we also experienced love this year. we expanded our "team" when i had a boyfriend. you showed me how open you were to a new guy in our lives. you embraced it and fell hard. i was so impressed with your ability to just love someone. i'm sorry we broke up, buddy. i know how much you hurt after that. i'm so thankful we got passed it. you're so brave. so strong.

a few of your obsessions: ring pops, burger king, your dog lucy, your ipad, minecraft (major!), mario bros, moving to atlanta, spongebob, wreck it ralph, angry birds, top forty songs (boo) and did i mention minecraft??

i love you, little dude. you impatiently came into this world and haven't stopped since.  this year has been tough for us; me commuting to atlanta and missing so much of your life.. but you've never once cried. i could take offense but i don't because you tell me all of the time you can't wait to move to atlanta. you understand why i went to school. you get it. you know i love you. i finished school for you, babe. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

love you luke elijah-
mama

 

 

have you ever hated your reflection?

have you ever hated yourself? i mean, more so what the mirror projects back to you. in turn, this sorta makes you hate the person you are for letting yourself look like what you see in the reflection. maybe i should back up.

it all started last july, nearly a year ago. this is when i decided to quit my teaching job that i wasn't happy doing anyway, and commute to atlanta every week and attempt a better life for myself at the circus. i'd stay for three days that first quarter until the last quarter i had accepted an internship that required staying in atlanta for five days a week. should i remind you that i have a child? yes, i am the mother that missed her child's whole first year of kindergarten.

at first, things were great. i lost weight because surprisingly, you gain weight when teaching-- food is free (!!). i lost all of that weight whilst on the road. i felt good. school was promising and i knew that if i worked hard i could get a job by the following july.

wait. i should back up again. i was always the girl that was thin in school. i ate whatever i wanted, when i wanted and i still had a nice figure. i remember being 85-90 pounds in high school! (side note-  i would never ever want to be 80-90lbs now nor do i think that it's healthy) but really, i have never had to try hard. i was one of those blessed girls. i remember once saying i'd just DIE if i hit 115 lbs. gag me.

then i got pregnant. i gained the appropriate weight and by the time i came home from my extended stay in the hospital, i was ten pounds away from being back to 115. yes, i was THAT girl. granted, my hips were wider and they never seems to "go back". at first i was scared but eventually, i liked the "womanly" body it gave me. i had curves... a year or two after having luke, i had to have my gallbladder out. i think this was the beginning of the end. a bit after, i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. going on medication was godsend.

ok, back to this past july. i believe it was the end of second quarter, around december and my birthday that i realized my body was changing. in a bad way. i was nursing that stupid heart ache and it seems over night my skin changed. it's as if i turned 29 and my body said, "haha! take that metabolism. i'm going to slow down worse than a turtle!" i developed these dark spots on my face around my cheek area. i've always had nice skin but these ugly things changed that. what caused it? i dont know. acne? sun? i'm really not sure. it happened in december. i know that i don't go out in the sun when it's cold but alas, they appeared. my family began to notice. i remember my mom saying, "what are those brown spots? you've never had them?" i think that was when i realized.. oh no, it isn't just in my mind; people can tell.

with the brown spots came sunken eyes and dark circles. it was around this time that i began using concealer under my eyes. it's something i never had to do before. with that came, "are you tired? you look so tired!" and i was. i was tired from the heart ache. i was tired from the commuting. i was tired from the all-nighters that school required. i was tired from the fast food i ate for two meals a day because... well.. i didn't have a refrigerator. it was enough that people graciously gave me a couch/bed/inflatable bed to stay on. how could i ask to add items to their fridge as well? and even then, i really didn't have the time or money to go to the grocery store. anyway...

i started noticing the weight coming back. the scale started tipping back to the weight i was when i was teaching. . . then it surpassed that weight. now i'm nearly 15 pounds away from what i was the day i went into labor!  not only do i carry fat in places i have never seen, my skin is sagging in places. my once nice butt is now not going to make an appearance this summer at the pool. did i mention that this year i had to buy a one piece? i was so uncomfortable in it i've just decided not to swim this year.

so back the original statement at the top. when i walk, i feel my arm hit against my sides and i hate it. my thighs touch. i feel it when i wear shorts. .. in my house. my legs are fat and awful. the main thing is, i really hate being unhealthy. i hate the person that stares back. i hate the person i've allowed myself to be. i hate that i've allowed myself to be so unhealthy. i hate that my child has to watch my habits. i don't want him to be unhealthy. (and he is.. not weight-wise. but his eating habits are terrible. burger king, much?)

i don't want my low self-esteem rub off on my child. i want to eat better, even be more active. i come from a long line of terrible genes. obesity, diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, hypertension? it's all there.  i can and should and hopefully will take control of that. i want to live a longer, better quality of life for my child's sake. i want to be able to be active and keep up with him. i don't want my bmi to indicate that i'm overweight.

i owe it to myself but more importantly, i owe it to him.

why am i writing all of this? well, to be held accountable. maybe if i tell you how gross i think i am i'll change it. as i sit here right now i can tell you i'm thinking about how my shirt fits too tighly across my shoulders or how my jeans feel cutting into my stomach. i'm NOT this girl.

i will NOT be this girl any longer.

time to check in.

life's been crazy lately. this week has been a pretty terrible week. the kind of week that makes you want to scream (and i did!) "can i pleaaaase get a do-over??"   my car overheated on monday which lead to towing it. i was in midtown and had to pull over at the gas station, buddy's. should have grabbed a king of pop as a i waited for an hour but.. i didn't.  i started stressing about costs because this is just not the time for unexpected costs to pop up. $470. that's right. so i drove my friend's car all week.

i lost my driver's license and had to pay for a replacement... my instructor was not the happiest with me for not turning in my homework (hello, i have a j-o-b. i'm busy). anyway, just a fun week. in hindsight, it probably wasn't such a big deal but at the time i was over it. 

everything i just said should also be erased because my problems are NOTHING compared to oklahoma. oh man! the tornadoes. my heart breaks for the people who lost everything. those innocent child.. i donated to the animals as i always do. it's just so . darn . sad. however, my brother is ok! he lived one county over from here it all happened and he's ok. no harm done. a cousin of mine lost a few things. i can't imagine.

==

today at work i was listening to taylor swift all. day. long. i couldn't get enough. i bought the Red album when it came out and i fell in love with it. unfortunately, i was also in love with a boy at the time. so i took a hiatus from the cd. there was time every song made me giddy inside like one of those girls. haha.  so it was great to finally be able to listen again to those songs and look back with a smile but glad i'm where i'm at now.

me at the office..

ROUGH.

i don't know.

look at what my beautiful little boy made me!

it's really funny because i do. not. cook. 

flashback thursday instagram.

man, i was a cute kid.

i went to a meetup last weekend for rails girls. 

they gave us some sweet, nerdy glasses.

i didn't tell him to do this.

be still, my heart.

rockin' some mailchimp and big nerd ranch paraphernalia.

crazy loon. 

<3 p="">

this, that.

i joined a bikram yoga class. i go about three nights a week. HOLY CRAP IT'S HOT. i love it. i'm already more flexible. you should see how high i can lift my leg behind my head! YAY. i'm hoping it will help the circulatory issue that has reared its ugly head.

found an apartment in the highlands. hardwood floors, super cute.
good thing too because i don't have anywhere to stay in atlanta anymore!

luke will be an official first grader in a few weeks (eeeek).
booked a trip to disney to surprise dude on his birthday.
i'll be done with school in june.
i'm working in atlanta.
OMG. I'M A GROWN UP!

and now..... pictures as of late!

oh m y g o s h ... 

ALLERGIES ARE KICKING MY @SS.

a little blinky arduino action at work.

inman park restaurant festival = 

sippin' on gin and juice.

look at me being girly!

i'm kinda lovin my shrinky-dink necklace.

georgia represent!

this is a picture of how i feel when being

 in bumper to bumper traffic

in downtown atlanta.. on my way to work.

LONG HAIR, DON'T CARE. 

and go bravos! 

(can someone please make kimbrel go back to rome? thanks)

seriously. he's huge. i love him.

and he loves brian mccann!

i was feeling good stuck in atlanta traffic.

on the way to yoga..

you like my sweet new tattoo??

i do!

hollar.

luke's first field day!

he rocked that sack race!

(and the 50 yard dash..

but he SHINED at the hurdles.

dude can jump)

the reason i'm doing this.

the reason i'm doing anything.

it's all going to be worth it.