on leaving.

the final push to get everything in one city is this coming weekend. the final move. the moment luke and i will live under the same roof everyday, again. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i'm ecstatic. i'm sad.

it will be the first time i'm a "true" single mom. i've always lived with my mom and/or brother while being a mother. it wasn't traditional but i would have never been able to stand on my own two feet today without the support and help. my mom is my lifeline. i'm sad because this means leaving her in an empty house by herself. she isn't the most social person in the world. i'm just scared something will happen and no one will be there to help or discover her for a few days. i'm scared she'll come home and cry inside these blank walls. this is the hardest part for me. sure, handling luke exclusively will have its set of challenges but that doesn't bother me. we've been through thick and thin together. he's also a pretty good little dude. but leaving my mom?  a lump forms in my throat just thinking about it.

it all started to sink in tonight when i looked around my room and noticed nearly everything is packed. WHOA.  i've lived in this house since i was six. that's luke's age. sure, i moved out twice. but home is home. it's all i know. and for the first time, i realized this is going to be harder than i imagined.

the room i'm in now started off 24 years ago as my brother's room. it had striped wallpaper at the bottom with a border around the middle full of vintage airplanes. the walls at the top were blue. he had a race car bed at some point... and i had a WATER BED. (hahaha) i had the back bedroom. i remember moving in and demanding my dad to measure the rooms. i NEEDED the bigger room. turns out, the back room was 1 inch larger. i took it and painted it pink before you could blink. years and years later, i moved into this room after having luke and my brother moved out. i liked the large window that the other room lacked. i painted the trim and walls. i made it my own. and now.. i'm leaving it.

i know this is the natural progression of things. i know that most people have already moved out by my age. i get that. but i love my mom. when my dad walked out, it was she and i picking each other up. me picking up the pieces my dad left her, her picking up the pieces that i needed glued together to be a single mom. my dad left in may 2007. luke was born in june. funny how things work out that way. most people don't have the relationship my mom and i have. i'm so grateful for her. she's my backbone.

how luke feels about sofa shopping.

we're not related.

post getting my first facial. no makeup?

no problems? ..

8 pounds down. YES.

my pretty ma  and little lucy.

have you ever hated your reflection?

have you ever hated yourself? i mean, more so what the mirror projects back to you. in turn, this sorta makes you hate the person you are for letting yourself look like what you see in the reflection. maybe i should back up.

it all started last july, nearly a year ago. this is when i decided to quit my teaching job that i wasn't happy doing anyway, and commute to atlanta every week and attempt a better life for myself at the circus. i'd stay for three days that first quarter until the last quarter i had accepted an internship that required staying in atlanta for five days a week. should i remind you that i have a child? yes, i am the mother that missed her child's whole first year of kindergarten.

at first, things were great. i lost weight because surprisingly, you gain weight when teaching-- food is free (!!). i lost all of that weight whilst on the road. i felt good. school was promising and i knew that if i worked hard i could get a job by the following july.

wait. i should back up again. i was always the girl that was thin in school. i ate whatever i wanted, when i wanted and i still had a nice figure. i remember being 85-90 pounds in high school! (side note-  i would never ever want to be 80-90lbs now nor do i think that it's healthy) but really, i have never had to try hard. i was one of those blessed girls. i remember once saying i'd just DIE if i hit 115 lbs. gag me.

then i got pregnant. i gained the appropriate weight and by the time i came home from my extended stay in the hospital, i was ten pounds away from being back to 115. yes, i was THAT girl. granted, my hips were wider and they never seems to "go back". at first i was scared but eventually, i liked the "womanly" body it gave me. i had curves... a year or two after having luke, i had to have my gallbladder out. i think this was the beginning of the end. a bit after, i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. going on medication was godsend.

ok, back to this past july. i believe it was the end of second quarter, around december and my birthday that i realized my body was changing. in a bad way. i was nursing that stupid heart ache and it seems over night my skin changed. it's as if i turned 29 and my body said, "haha! take that metabolism. i'm going to slow down worse than a turtle!" i developed these dark spots on my face around my cheek area. i've always had nice skin but these ugly things changed that. what caused it? i dont know. acne? sun? i'm really not sure. it happened in december. i know that i don't go out in the sun when it's cold but alas, they appeared. my family began to notice. i remember my mom saying, "what are those brown spots? you've never had them?" i think that was when i realized.. oh no, it isn't just in my mind; people can tell.

with the brown spots came sunken eyes and dark circles. it was around this time that i began using concealer under my eyes. it's something i never had to do before. with that came, "are you tired? you look so tired!" and i was. i was tired from the heart ache. i was tired from the commuting. i was tired from the all-nighters that school required. i was tired from the fast food i ate for two meals a day because... well.. i didn't have a refrigerator. it was enough that people graciously gave me a couch/bed/inflatable bed to stay on. how could i ask to add items to their fridge as well? and even then, i really didn't have the time or money to go to the grocery store. anyway...

i started noticing the weight coming back. the scale started tipping back to the weight i was when i was teaching. . . then it surpassed that weight. now i'm nearly 15 pounds away from what i was the day i went into labor!  not only do i carry fat in places i have never seen, my skin is sagging in places. my once nice butt is now not going to make an appearance this summer at the pool. did i mention that this year i had to buy a one piece? i was so uncomfortable in it i've just decided not to swim this year.

so back the original statement at the top. when i walk, i feel my arm hit against my sides and i hate it. my thighs touch. i feel it when i wear shorts. .. in my house. my legs are fat and awful. the main thing is, i really hate being unhealthy. i hate the person that stares back. i hate the person i've allowed myself to be. i hate that i've allowed myself to be so unhealthy. i hate that my child has to watch my habits. i don't want him to be unhealthy. (and he is.. not weight-wise. but his eating habits are terrible. burger king, much?)

i don't want my low self-esteem rub off on my child. i want to eat better, even be more active. i come from a long line of terrible genes. obesity, diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, hypertension? it's all there.  i can and should and hopefully will take control of that. i want to live a longer, better quality of life for my child's sake. i want to be able to be active and keep up with him. i don't want my bmi to indicate that i'm overweight.

i owe it to myself but more importantly, i owe it to him.

why am i writing all of this? well, to be held accountable. maybe if i tell you how gross i think i am i'll change it. as i sit here right now i can tell you i'm thinking about how my shirt fits too tighly across my shoulders or how my jeans feel cutting into my stomach. i'm NOT this girl.

i will NOT be this girl any longer.

explaining gay to a five-year-old

i passed by a local dentist's office today that has a marquee out front. each week, they change the message on the sign. typically i don't think twice about what it says. it's usually something nice, meaningful, and sweet but let's just say..... i'm not the most "sunshine" person in the world. i love a good quote, don't get me wrong, but usually everything is silly and contrite. i like substance.

anyway, back to the recent quote. We need not think alike to love alike. 

i wish that i had thought of this when my relationship ended. this is what i have always believed but never capable of putting into words.  i think it'd be rather boring to  be with someone that was exactly like me. what would you banter back and forth about? what would there be to talk about? no way.

beyond my past relationships, it also made me think of a talk i had with luke two weeks ago. we had a talk about being gay. and before anyone leaves me hate comments/emails/texts/phone calls, let me say that i believe that everyone parents differently. i certainly don't expect everyone to think that talking about sexuality with a five-year-old is something they'd want to do. but i'm the type of parent that does; i don't want anything to be off limits or taboo. i want us to have open conversation as it was with my mom growing up. so, i'll proceed.

i was watching a movie two weeks ago when luke perked up in the middle of it. he caught that the woman was really angry and yelling/crying at her son. so naturally, he asked me why she was so upset. 

i said, "well, she just found out her son is gay." he seemed confused. he certainly isn't one to let something he's confused about go so i knew we would have  some explaining. he asked what gay meant.

"well, sometimes boys and men like other boys and men. sometimes girls like other girls. they don't want to have a relationship with someone that isn't what kind of person they are." he asked if i could give an example.

"you know how i had a boyfriend, ryan? well... that's because i like boys. you know sarah? you know how she has a girlfriend, tommiah?" he nodded. 

"they love each other and they are girls."  he began to understand. he asked if i knew any gay men. i gave him an example..... and then like that, he just said....

"so why is his mama mad that he likes a boy and not a girl?" .. 

"well, some people think that a boy that likes a boy or a girl that likes another girl, that they are a bad person or God doesn't like that. that they aren't being good Christians." 

and what did my five-year-old say?

"well that isn't nice. i thought we are suppose to love everybody? why does she care who he loves?"

.....proud parent moment. if only the world would think like my five-year-old.

lately.

some things i've been thinking about lately: 

my hair is falling out in large quantities every time i shower. i'm constantly tired to the point that getting out of bed is a chore. literally. it isn't depression; i'm not depressed. it's my thyroid. my fillings are falling out of my teeth. i just don't know. i don't know how much longer i can go without insurance. i'm thinking a private policy may be worth it.

that relationship really wrecked me. it wrecked me for a while. it showed me that the guy i've dreamt of exists. the guy that tells his friends about you. the guy that writes little notes and leaves them for you. who says i love you so much and puts the emphasis on the "so". i was broken. i was bitter. then i got over it. i laugh again and listen to "our song" without getting sad. i moved on. not on to someone else. i just let it go. i moved on and away. 

i need to see butch walker live again. soon. is he ever going to play shows again? goodness. it makes me heart happiest when i see him live.

my child is growing up before my eyes. i'm missing so much by being away in during the week. i try not to think of it so much because it'd only make me sad. he's always saying or doing something new every weekend i see him. i love the person he's becoming.

i'm at a school i've always dreamt of and i can't seem to be exceptional at what i do. it's really hurting my feelings. why am i not top notch? why are others better? i've never been one to compare myself.. but lately i've just been feeling like maybe i'm not enough. i need to put in extra time to the homework. but how? .. i never have a day off.

and lastly.

i'm beyond grateful for my friends. i've only had good, true friends come a couple of times in my adult life. without the people i go to school with, school wouldn't be possible. i love them. i do. and my mom. i always talk about how much that woman means. words don't and will never do it justice. her.. and my family. (especially samantha.)

good night friends.

some pictures as of late.

rising up. but unfortunately, they lost :(

luke and i's date ended with the same fortune.

my mom's birthday. and her mama. 

love these ladies.

when i get home from atlanta, all i want to do

is squeeeeealll really loud. but he's always asleep.

so, i spoon him.

i got a new app that i've been playing with. 

i like the filters.

someone knitted a scarf for me!

dude got a hair cut. how freaking old does he look?

he's so gorgeous.

someone asked for a side to side picture of us.

i seriously love this child.

he's my favorite human being.

new years resolutions.

1. finish the circus.  hopefully around 5th quarter. i'm entering 3rd quarter now.. so we will see! this is super exciting to me..
2. get a good paying job. enough to begin paying off debt and owning a place for luke and i. 
3. be better with money. save save save. dave ramsey.
4. move out/move away. this is contingent on finishing the circus and finding the good paying job. hopefully an opportunity will open up for me in richmond, va. ooo i hope so.
5. be healthier. eat healthier, drink water, drink only 1 coke a day. i think this will help my thyroid stabilize and my hair grow back in.
6. try embracing being a lady. ie- wearing earrings and frilly stuff. maybe even wedges?
7. be happy. try new things.

there.

five ways to win your heart

i'm taking part in a 30-day writer's blog challenge. there's a list of topics to do for 30 days. i'm a little late but i couldn't resist. the reason i stopped this blog is because i couldn't post any positive thoughts. this way, it will force me to.

day one: five ways to win your heart

1. do the little things. surprise me with giving me your sweater when i'm cold (without asking), leave me a nice letter about how much you love or want me. simple stuff. it means a lot. 
2. spend time with my son. he can be relentless because lets face it, he hasn't had a male in his life. he loves it when there is one around. he will want you to play video games or go on scavenger hunts. it gets to be tiring but it really touches me when someone goes above and beyond. especially when my son feels special as well.
3. cook a meal for me. without me asking.
4. have meaningful conversations with me. and listen. when you listen and remember what i've said, it speaks volumes.
5. get to know my family. and be active in my family. and wear shoes and that aren't white! white shoes turn me off.

there.

pause.

so.stressed.out.  burning the candle at both ends. holy.crap.

LGBT, MARTIAL BLISS..

i'm in the middle of completing a paper about LGBT rights and social movements in the U.S. i've been thinking about this topic often lately. i guess because my class i'm in is making me pick a topic of interest and this just seems to be fitting. (sarah, my bff is a lesbian) 

what if we weren't allowed to be married legally because we loved someone of the same sex? could you imagine? love is so hard to find and if one is able to achieve that lifelong dream of finding "the one", why strip the right away to publicly proclaim that affection by denying someone the right? ludicrous.  

i pride myself on exposing my kiddo to people of all sorts. my brother is engaged to a black girl. sarah and tommiah are openly "gay" around my son. he has seen me hug and kiss a guy. he doesn't question this; the differences. he just sees love. i wish we all had that about us. innocence is lost as we get older. just think about your teenage relationships; less complicated and easier because there wasn't anything to compare  to. likely, we didn't have scars yet from experiences. i wish i could wash off my scars sometimes.. but usually i wear them with pride. without them, i wouldn't be me.

ah, this has turned into this philosophical post. somewhat cliche. everything that has been said before. but.. it's just what i've been thinking about lately.

the other day i was in american eagle. they had a table of clearance items; coffee table books, etc. there was one about "fortune cookies for names". anyway, i sometimes believe in signs. (ie- all of the traffic lights are green in the morning when i'm running late..) well, my name.. or rather rachEL said "you will experience martial bliss". i'm not going to lie.. i kind of got excited??.. but it's the little things that keep us going.

so, where is my marital bliss? haha. 

looking back, it almost marks a year since BIG C and i began dating. i was so sure we'd be together forever. i imagined being engaged by now. but. an ex is an ex is an ex.. and he must remain in ex land.

this is the new year.

i had a good new years. i think i brought in 2012 right. i did things that are so unlike my character. why not be outside of my comfort zone? we're all dying in 2012 according to the myans anyway, right? 

i spend my new years eve with a guy. (!!) i did. i'm sure some of my readers have their mouths open right now. i know, i know. it was fun while it lasted. it was nice to have the attention of a male. then i came home to my thoughts.

while i know there are no "titles" and there are certain gray areas with the situation with this guy, i still feel confused as to where it is going. him: single dad, 5 months out of relationship with child's mom, no job but just finished school and searching, knowingly says he doesn't want a relationship. my first reaction is to run far away. the ... "this happened, it was fun.. but it was nice knowing you" .. idea. but we were friends first. so, the situation is hairy. 

i want to cut him off. but i like the attention. i want a plan of action. but i'm not sure what that plan should be. there weren't any emotions involved.. and i'd be lying if i said it didn't bother me. i'm a girl, after all. i like feeling wanted.. and being told compliments. reassurance. i made an effort to dress up and wanted a little more verbally. and there was a text from a girl so i know i'm not the only one. i'm not mad about it; just having an internal battle with my heart and my head.

thoughts?

brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

luke-isms

we bought our christmas tree at lowe's a week ago. while pulling up to the store, luke says "lowes. let's build something together".  he seriously makes me laugh.

another luke-ism: after lying on his mat for nap time, his teacher noticed he has his hands clasped together as though he was praying. ms. meka says, "luke, what are you doing?".. luke replies, "just praying to santa my list". innocence, i love it.

and one more. we have bob, our elf on the shelf. everyone knows you can't touch your elf because his magical powers will disappear. luke takes this very seriously. he placed his wii game near bob on the table today. he was so worried that his game had touched bob. he hands the wii game to me and says, "please check and make sure there isn't any magic on it. i can't take bob's magic away!"

  

it's the little things. life gets hectic and tough and everything else. sometimes we overlook the simple stuff in between.

bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....

thankful.

i'm sick right now with an upper respiratory infection. rather than feeling awful and swallowing myself in the illness, i feel compelled to write the obligatory "i am thankful for.." post.  i can complain a lot but in the end, i do have a good life filled with good laughs, great people with warm hearts and witty attitudes, and a little 3 feet tall man by my side who gives me kisses on my eyelids every morning. i could focus on the things lacking but i'm typically content with what i have.

my mom and i had the tumultuous teen years that i'm sure most girls shared with their mothers. why is this woman acting like she knows everything? she can't possibly understand what i'm feeling or going through. yes, because mothers have never been there before.  with the demise of my parent's relationship and the impending birth of my child all in one year, my mother and i found ourselves with no one but each other to lean on. sure, we had well-meaning family and friends but no one really "understood" the situation but her and i.  looking back on 2007, i can say i am thankful for that time for bringing us to the relationship we share today. when people say situations can tear you apart or bring you closer, i'm so thankful it brought us to this level of closeness i never thought i could share with her. when she or i works extra and miss the opportunity to have a day off together, i feel it. i feel like i'm missing my "venting" partner. i'm missing the other half that gets me. i mean, i do share some of her dna after all. i know that there are times when we get on each other's nerves but we always  recover. we never let it linger. i'm so thankful she can still talk to me after the horrible things i have said in those teen years. she is seriously my hero.. and i know it sounds "corny" but i really, truly mean that. what an amazing woman.. and GRANNY to my little dude! she loves him as much as i do and would do anything for him.  i'm so thankful he has that sort of grandma that i have as well.

my family should be on my thankful list as a whole. each of them has done something for me without hesitating. my uncle gary gets out of bed at 7am to jump off my car due to a dead battery, my aunt lori has taken my son to school at 7:45am because i couldn't, my uncle john who has bailed me out SO.MANY.TIMES, my granny who has watched luke even though she has limited mobility.. etc. how blessed am i??? but lets talk about someone who REALLY goes unnoticed. samantha. she's my cousin. she's kind of amazing. that girl will answer my text back that i forgot to send allll day at 11pm to say "yes" that she can pick my child up from school. there have been times she has gotten up at 7am to lay with my child while i was at work. she does ...a....lot... for child and i. actually, luke begs to see samantha on my days off. he'd rather be at her house with her and her mario skillzzz than me when i'm at home. i would take offense to this but i don't. i'm so thankful there is someone out there he cares that much about! thank you, sam. seriously. with all of my heart.

my two jobs. the most understanding people at either job. many people don't even have one job in this economy. somehow, i've lucked up with two. the people at the daycare are the sweetest/craziest bunch of

women i have ever met. i have only worked there a short time and have called out a lot due to hospitalizations and illnesses. while i seriously shouldn't have a job there still, i do because they care. for some reason, they understand. they help me. they listen. i can't thank God enough for bringing this job into my life. i love my three-year-olds. although i have lost my voice for the first time while teaching them, i love each of those crazy kids like they are my own. my other job i've been with for 6 years, i love it. i enjoy the people i work with now. those crazy girls at the front end have made me laugh when i've

been too exhausted to smile. i know i could trust them if i needed them. that is hard to say these days.

more soon.

square one. again.

luke's dad is no longer engaged. i've been over him romantically for a while. years even. he began coming around again for a week or two. it was nice; a little pseudo family unit. little dude loved it. he wanted to take pictures of the two of us together (his dad and i). reluctantly at first, i caved. the photo session lasted for about 30 minutes. although as i said -i am over his father-, i'd be lying to myself and everyone else if i didn't share that it felt nice to have a partner to help wrangle the kiddo in. someone who can love luke as much as do; someone who is 50% of him as well.  

i was really ok with his fiance and himself being together. it took a very long time for me to come to that  conclusion but i had accepted it.. and her.. 100%. alas, i get nervous about the future women his dad will date. potential step mothers. will they be good enough? i've found myself worrying about it. i've stalked his facebook page to check if there are any potential suitors. i'm pretty sure there is one. i know i can't pick the partner for him but good grief.. we are as different as night and day.  

and i will admit.. and never admit to admitting this.. i am slightly disappointed that the family unit will never be complete. is that wrong? how can i be over someone and still be disappointed that we will never be together? answer- i'm not sure. i just know that it still feels like rejection every time i'm not a choice.. though i'm positive i'd never accept.  but the question still remains time and time again: why was i never good enough to be the one? why was i never an option for affection? why was i never fought for?

i'm such a walking contradiction.

discipline.

a little part of me gets aggravated when others discipline my child.
especially when they don't understand how he works...

not saying the kid doesn't deserve discipline;
i'd just like to teach people how to talk to him.

AHH. BREATHE.

i'm falling behind on this here ole blog. actually, i'm falling behind on life in general.

i have many things to say.. i just do not have the time at the moment.

here are some highlights .. i'll elaborate later----

1. it is midnight. i got home from job numero dos at 11pm. being the procrastinator i am, i finished two papers before the midnight mark. because naturally, they were due at midnight.
2. i'm constantly exhausted.  i  am having  a hard time keeping my eyes open during the day.
3. after contemplating red bull, 5 hour energy, i'm still at a loss. i find myself drinking about 5 cokes a day.. and all of the brown mess is starting to make me feel like a slug.
4. most importantly, i forgot to mention that little dude's fever wouldn't go away after six days so.. he was hospitalized at a nearby children's hospital. this warranted 6 days absent from school. no worries, all i well now.
5. we gave away one of the puppies so far.
6. i got to speak with a child life specialist after said hospital stay. it was enlightening.. and one step closer to being in the profession i want to be in.
7. my mom has strep. i have.. something. bronchitis? i don't know. 
8. kid is good.
9. i miss my grandpa and mention him in my school papers all of the time.
10. i love my uncle john and everything he does for my little fam.
11. i need new shoes for dude. he outgrew his sandals.. in 3 months. major outgrew.
12. we started to take on learning our letters and the sounds they make.
13. i'm itching for new art projects. i've been feeling so creative.
14. one of my dearest friends, abby wilson, had invasive surgery today to extract some tumors from her lungs. i've been in prayer all day. won't you do the same? 

.... ummmmm

yes . more soon.

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

ive gotta feeeevaaa!

the boy's fever is still there. spiking every few hours when the motrin or tylenol is wearing off. i'm getting cabin fever though i did go do some damage at the mall yesterday. however, when you spend a third of what the receipt says you saved.. well, that's accomplishment!  

i picked up some cupcakes at a new place in own. delicious! i figured the sweetness and color would lure luke in to eating some (kid loves cupcakes). no such luck. i guess his throat really does hurt that bad. boo. 

here is a little insight in the single mom (and i'm sure married moms experience this too) world: 

my child is going to be out of school for some days. how many that actually totals is unknown right now. his actual school excuse from the doctor says "luke t. was seen in our office on 9-16-11. may return to school on ___ blank". we just don't know. so disheartening. since today is sunday, i am faced with the uncertainty of the week ahead. no more putting it off. who is going to keep my child for me while i work? luckily, my amazing mom is off wednesday and thursday.. but what about monday, tuesday, and friday? i don't get paid for sick days at my new job. what am i going to do? 

the downside to being a single mom. no one to barter or compromise with. it is all on me. it is a big responsibility to ask someone to watch my child with mono. what to do. what to do.

...

doesn't fall make you want a significant other?

never forget.

where were you?

i remember dreading the day. it was a gorgeous day but i was not ready for this new week of high school. i hated high school but i loved my boyfriend. seeing him there made it tolerable. so, reluctantly, i got ready for this tuesday. it also happened to be my cousin's birthday. i was ready to wish her a happy birthday.. not wish the day never happened.

i remember going into second period graphics class with ms. mitchell and everyone in the hallway was talking and saying something major had happened. since i could have cared less about those people, i made my way to my class without much thought.

there, ms. mitchell had the tv on and told us all to hurry to the screen to watch the images showing before us. the world trade center had been hit by an airplane. we thought, "wow. that pilot made a major error!" we were silent. the second plane then hit the second tower. we gasped. some of us screamed. no one was sitting in a chair. we couldn't move and time stood still. some of us had tears. this was not a mistake by some pilot. this was a plan.

for the next few hours, the school was on lock down. the base across the street was on lock down. parents couldn't release their children from school. base employees couldn't leave their offices. it was chaotic but not. everything was eerily still. all we wanted to do was go home and hug our parents. we couldn't. then the rumors started.

"the terrorists have a list. warner robins is on that list." (we have a very large air force base full of weapons)

we all couldn't comprehend the events before us. i was senior! it was suppose to be a celebration! i had just lost my childhood dog of 13 years a few days prior and now our country was no longer as safe as we all thought. i was also ridiculously obsessed with new york at the time and i grew angry at the thought of it being under attack.

my boyfriend and i stood still. we hugged each other. our eyes were permanently dilated that day. when i got home, my mom was glued to the tv. we talked about our experiences of the day. we just could not believe how many would be effected. we were effected.

so. 10 years later, one child later. a few colleges and boyfriends later. i'm still here. and i still remember.

i can't help but look at my child and thank God he has his innocence. thank God he wasn't alive for that terrible day.

never forget. we are not invincible.