Friday, November 11, 2011

square one. again.

luke's dad is no longer engaged. i've been over him romantically for a while. years even. he began coming around again for a week or two. it was nice; a little pseudo family unit. little dude loved it. he wanted to take pictures of the two of us together (his dad and i). reluctantly at first, i caved. the photo session lasted for about 30 minutes. although as i said -i am over his father-, i'd be lying to myself and everyone else if i didn't share that it felt nice to have a partner to help wrangle the kiddo in. someone who can love luke as much as do; someone who is 50% of him as well.  

i was really ok with his fiance and himself being together. it took a very long time for me to come to that  conclusion but i had accepted it.. and her.. 100%. alas, i get nervous about the future women his dad will date. potential step mothers. will they be good enough? i've found myself worrying about it. i've stalked his facebook page to check if there are any potential suitors. i'm pretty sure there is one. i know i can't pick the partner for him but good grief.. we are as different as night and day.  

and i will admit.. and never admit to admitting this.. i am slightly disappointed that the family unit will never be complete. is that wrong? how can i be over someone and still be disappointed that we will never be together? answer- i'm not sure. i just know that it still feels like rejection every time i'm not a choice.. though i'm positive i'd never accept.  but the question still remains time and time again: why was i never good enough to be the one? why was i never an option for affection? why was i never fought for?

i'm such a walking contradiction.


  1. i know exactly...EXACTLY how you feel. not with the ex hub, who i've been seeing again for awhile now, but with my ex fiance, who i dated after my divorce. bla bla bla but i know what you're saying. i'm OVER HIM but NOT OVER THE FACT THAT IT WASN'T WORTH FIGHTING FOR IT TO BE. it's the remembrance of the pain that was experienced or in the lack of control. who knows but i do know that the longer it's been, the better i am with it all. hang in day at a time. and ofcourse the family unit confusion is normal and makes perfect sense. who doesn't want that??? BIG HUG xxxx

  2. You inner contradiction and emotions are SO normal!! Good for you for feeling, and facing all of the tough stuff.

    I don't know if you follow single mom "T"? She wrote a really great post on her ex getting remarried, and her struggles. If might help you to read it?