Friday, June 28, 2013

have you ever hated your reflection?

have you ever hated yourself? i mean, more so what the mirror projects back to you. in turn, this sorta makes you hate the person you are for letting yourself look like what you see in the reflection. maybe i should back up.

it all started last july, nearly a year ago. this is when i decided to quit my teaching job that i wasn't happy doing anyway, and commute to atlanta every week and attempt a better life for myself at the circus. i'd stay for three days that first quarter until the last quarter i had accepted an internship that required staying in atlanta for five days a week. should i remind you that i have a child? yes, i am the mother that missed her child's whole first year of kindergarten.

at first, things were great. i lost weight because surprisingly, you gain weight when teaching-- food is free (!!). i lost all of that weight whilst on the road. i felt good. school was promising and i knew that if i worked hard i could get a job by the following july.

wait. i should back up again. i was always the girl that was thin in school. i ate whatever i wanted, when i wanted and i still had a nice figure. i remember being 85-90 pounds in high school! (side note-  i would never ever want to be 80-90lbs now nor do i think that it's healthy) but really, i have never had to try hard. i was one of those blessed girls. i remember once saying i'd just DIE if i hit 115 lbs. gag me.

then i got pregnant. i gained the appropriate weight and by the time i came home from my extended stay in the hospital, i was ten pounds away from being back to 115. yes, i was THAT girl. granted, my hips were wider and they never seems to "go back". at first i was scared but eventually, i liked the "womanly" body it gave me. i had curves... a year or two after having luke, i had to have my gallbladder out. i think this was the beginning of the end. a bit after, i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. going on medication was godsend.

ok, back to this past july. i believe it was the end of second quarter, around december and my birthday that i realized my body was changing. in a bad way. i was nursing that stupid heart ache and it seems over night my skin changed. it's as if i turned 29 and my body said, "haha! take that metabolism. i'm going to slow down worse than a turtle!" i developed these dark spots on my face around my cheek area. i've always had nice skin but these ugly things changed that. what caused it? i dont know. acne? sun? i'm really not sure. it happened in december. i know that i don't go out in the sun when it's cold but alas, they appeared. my family began to notice. i remember my mom saying, "what are those brown spots? you've never had them?" i think that was when i realized.. oh no, it isn't just in my mind; people can tell.

with the brown spots came sunken eyes and dark circles. it was around this time that i began using concealer under my eyes. it's something i never had to do before. with that came, "are you tired? you look so tired!" and i was. i was tired from the heart ache. i was tired from the commuting. i was tired from the all-nighters that school required. i was tired from the fast food i ate for two meals a day because... well.. i didn't have a refrigerator. it was enough that people graciously gave me a couch/bed/inflatable bed to stay on. how could i ask to add items to their fridge as well? and even then, i really didn't have the time or money to go to the grocery store. anyway...

i started noticing the weight coming back. the scale started tipping back to the weight i was when i was teaching. . . then it surpassed that weight. now i'm nearly 15 pounds away from what i was the day i went into labor!  not only do i carry fat in places i have never seen, my skin is sagging in places. my once nice butt is now not going to make an appearance this summer at the pool. did i mention that this year i had to buy a one piece? i was so uncomfortable in it i've just decided not to swim this year.

so back the original statement at the top. when i walk, i feel my arm hit against my sides and i hate it. my thighs touch. i feel it when i wear shorts. .. in my house. my legs are fat and awful. the main thing is, i really hate being unhealthy. i hate the person that stares back. i hate the person i've allowed myself to be. i hate that i've allowed myself to be so unhealthy. i hate that my child has to watch my habits. i don't want him to be unhealthy. (and he is.. not weight-wise. but his eating habits are terrible. burger king, much?)

i don't want my low self-esteem rub off on my child. i want to eat better, even be more active. i come from a long line of terrible genes. obesity, diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, hypertension? it's all there.  i can and should and hopefully will take control of that. i want to live a longer, better quality of life for my child's sake. i want to be able to be active and keep up with him. i don't want my bmi to indicate that i'm overweight.

i owe it to myself but more importantly, i owe it to him.

why am i writing all of this? well, to be held accountable. maybe if i tell you how gross i think i am i'll change it. as i sit here right now i can tell you i'm thinking about how my shirt fits too tighly across my shoulders or how my jeans feel cutting into my stomach. i'm NOT this girl.

i will NOT be this girl any longer.

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