i think that one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing you have disappointed someone or yourself. i'm not sure which is worse. i've unfortunately done both recently and there's nothing i can do to resolve either situation. 

i've lost my gumption. i need to regain that and finish the things that need to be done. i need to be a better friend; be told that someone is proud of me. i cannot wait for the day someone tells me they are proud. that's going to be the most exciting day of my life. ..  besides giving birth, of course. 

i joined match.com again. third time's a charm? .. we'll see. i'd like a little companionship on the side.

resolution.

i decided against the new years dude. i'm just not built for that. . and i'm actually ok! 

my boy woke up sick again this morning. rather than going to the doctor, we just called. his md basically said that little dude should just claim the name of "bubble boy". yay for windy, cold days! poor asthmatic lungs. so alas, we are home again on the day that school is back in.

in other news, i decided to keep it simple with the resolutions this year.

be intentional. i like to think i'm a fun mom. i discipline when i need to. he isn't exposed to "drama" or smoking, drinking, etc. he is in fact, a bubble boy. but this year, i want to put down the phone. stop reading the facebook messages, stalking people's pictures and posts, reading blogs, etc.. and just.. listen to my kid. hang out with undivided attention. being intentional. i'm never going to get back these years so i'd rather embrace them rather than glued to my little device that shows no love in return. .. so, those texts i don't receive can wait! i've got a kid to play with.

spend more time on myself.  stop letting myself "go". i've already cut my hair off, re-pierced by ears, painted my nails, and waxed my eye brows. i've even added a necklace in the mix since the start of the new year. i'm going to try to keep this up. not to impress others.. but to feel better about myself. now, if i could get rid of the eye infection i have from forgetting to take off my makeup the other night.

get a lap top.. and finish SCHOOL. point blank.

this is the new year.

i had a good new years. i think i brought in 2012 right. i did things that are so unlike my character. why not be outside of my comfort zone? we're all dying in 2012 according to the myans anyway, right? 

i spend my new years eve with a guy. (!!) i did. i'm sure some of my readers have their mouths open right now. i know, i know. it was fun while it lasted. it was nice to have the attention of a male. then i came home to my thoughts.

while i know there are no "titles" and there are certain gray areas with the situation with this guy, i still feel confused as to where it is going. him: single dad, 5 months out of relationship with child's mom, no job but just finished school and searching, knowingly says he doesn't want a relationship. my first reaction is to run far away. the ... "this happened, it was fun.. but it was nice knowing you" .. idea. but we were friends first. so, the situation is hairy. 

i want to cut him off. but i like the attention. i want a plan of action. but i'm not sure what that plan should be. there weren't any emotions involved.. and i'd be lying if i said it didn't bother me. i'm a girl, after all. i like feeling wanted.. and being told compliments. reassurance. i made an effort to dress up and wanted a little more verbally. and there was a text from a girl so i know i'm not the only one. i'm not mad about it; just having an internal battle with my heart and my head.

thoughts?

brief update! and happy birthday to me

today is my birthday... 28.. wow.
my mom served me breakfast in bed; love that woman.
my best friend stopped by.
countless facebook posts and text messages wishing happy birthday.
i really am loved.


christmas was good, as i hope yours was as well.
lukester loved everything he received.
the joy in a 4 year old's eyes makes it all worth it.
unfortunately, he was diagnosed with a bad case of asthma
resulting in another hospitalization on tuesday..
he was worried santa wouldn't find him in the hospital.
such a trooper.
luckily he was able to discharge early so we spent christmas at home!
...and santa may have thrown in some extra "just because" no child
should have to be hospitalized.. especially the week of christmas.


xo

taboo.

i'm a pretty open book. i will tell you anything from how my recent poop went to how you look in that dress. (if you sincerely want to know) there's only one topic i will not be truthful about, to myself or you. finances. i guess by admitting the state of my affairs openly, that is the first step to being accountable. okay. this will be the toughest thing i've had to do. it is embarrassing. ugly. sick. and makes me feel reduced to the size of a pea. however, this same topic is the bane of my existence. it is always nagging in my head. the bills are littered all over my floor and my desk i'm sitting in front of as we speak. i simply.. do not. know how to get out of the hole i'm in. 

i work two jobs. at job number one, i make significantly less than job number two. however, i work the job as a three-year-old teacher for experience i need and the hours for my internship for school. i work there roughly 35-40 hours a week. three days a week i work at my other job make really "decent" money however, i only work about fifteen hours so my check is never enough to live on. 

my child and i are on my insurance through job number two. we have good rx coverage and even medical coverage however, luke has been very sick during his short life so the bills continue to pile up. 

ok. so the run down.

get paid weekly between 2 jobs.

job 1- 400 bi weekly = 800 monthly.

job 2- 150 bi weekly = 300 monthly = 1100 monthly.

car payment (one month behind)= 400 monthly.

gas to and from both jobs= 160 monthly.

food on the go (due to working 7a-midnight)- 120 monthly.

groceries= 50-100 monthly. (mom buys the food, i get milk and stuff for luke) 

= 780 monthly.

this is without stuff like: clothes, shoes, fun stuff to do with luke, things i buy for art projects for my school, etc. still, i should have some money. this is where i am accountable. i inherited my dad's money sense. or cents. which is none. we spend. the second it reaches my hand, it will start burning and it will be gone. on what?  mcdonalds because i can't cook and my child is begging, a shirt i don't need, dollar stuff that adds up.. etc. whhhyyy?? it is my addiction. how do i make it stop?

so, rather than actually paying my bills, i spend the money on the fun stuff. this is why in my short life i have been served papers because someone is suing me. talk about terrified. 

now, my medical bills for luke are over 5k at this point. all way past due. i owe my physicians roughly 300-500.. like i said, my car payment needs to be paid.. 800. i have two old credit cards i haven't used in years. that's 800. i need to buy pictures.. 60. student loan in deferment.. 3k.. with that rising to nearly 20k at this point..  borrowed money... 1k. what else? .. i'm sure there is more. seriously? ugh.

the point is. i'm not writing this for sympathy. get mad at me. shake your heads!! i need help! i need tips! how do i make myself stop buying the shirt and make a payment on a bill? .. what do i do? i've read the dave ramsey theory. i love it. i even bought cute envelopes for my "system". see? why do i need cute envelopes? ugh. anyway, i can't seem to get caught up to do the envelopes. how do i establish an emergency fund when i have nothing left over?

i'm so stressed out.

luke-isms

we bought our christmas tree at lowe's a week ago. while pulling up to the store, luke says "lowes. let's build something together".  he seriously makes me laugh.

another luke-ism: after lying on his mat for nap time, his teacher noticed he has his hands clasped together as though he was praying. ms. meka says, "luke, what are you doing?".. luke replies, "just praying to santa my list". innocence, i love it.

and one more. we have bob, our elf on the shelf. everyone knows you can't touch your elf because his magical powers will disappear. luke takes this very seriously. he placed his wii game near bob on the table today. he was so worried that his game had touched bob. he hands the wii game to me and says, "please check and make sure there isn't any magic on it. i can't take bob's magic away!"

  

it's the little things. life gets hectic and tough and everything else. sometimes we overlook the simple stuff in between.

bullet form.

random. in bullet form.

• i think a lot about big c. more than i'd like to admit. we only dated three months, c'mon. what the heck? i guess i just really thought he was IT for me. alas, he didn't feel the same. i sometimes visit his photography site. i was his biggest fan. he has serious talent behind a lens. i was thinking why i still think so much about him. maybe it is the gain dish soap i've been using every night. it smells just like him. insanely good. he smelled the best. i could have eaten it up. i don't know.. luke still talks about him too. we laugh it off. i do it for him. the whole situation is so unfortunate. i wish we had fought a lot and were horrible for each other. .. but we weren't. i hope i find something good like him again. i really. do.  i wonder if he still thinks of us? or if he has another lady? either way, i hope he gets the best in life.
• 70 hours. that's how much i've been working every week. my feet are starting to feel it. oh- and the other day i was helping the cashiers on the register. a customer asked if i had baby number 2 on the way.  .. thank you. now let me go purge.
• luke saw santa yesterday. he started getting cold feet the closer we got. he was so nervous he was blinking back tears in his photo (a hilarious picture i died laughing at). he did tell him his list he had memorized. i was so proud.
• we put up our christmas tree today. i guess christmas is really coming soon! i'm so excited but so exhausted. good grief. oh and this year i've decided to nix the icicle lights outside. we're going with old school super big bulbs. i can't wait! .. and my mantle design is my favorite design to date!
• i've been thinking a lot about the men in our lives. obviously luke doesn't really have a grandpa. i didn't think it affected me much until i started talking about it the other night with my mom. i was in tears while talking about how much of a good grandpa my dad would have been. i know it's his choice the way things have turned out.. but goodness. the relationships luke is missing that he doesn't even know about. i'm so sad.
• something about christmas and holidays make me more aware of families. looking around the store the other day with rings on couple's fingers and dads that were involved and helping.. it just made me so sad. funny how life turns out, huh. 
• my hair is thinning and receding. my thyroid is to blame. really? i'm only 28 (in a few weeks). my grandpa passed away with a full head of hair! .. blah.

....