luke's new school is pretty advanced... at least, when compared to his school last year it is. it's becoming glaringly obvious that he isn't where most of the other kids are in his learning. he should already be writing sentences at this point (two weeks in). last year he learned some sight words and phonics with little attention to writing (aside from writing letters). to say we are both frustrated is an understatement.
i've been joking at work that i'd rather pull an all nighter in the office than do first grade homework with him. i'm sure this makes me sound like the most awful parent in the world, but it's true! do you know how painful it is to hear a child sound out every.single.letter in a book? it's torture. i bite my tongue as to not discourage him.. but man - oh - man... i don't know HOW my mom did it!
however, the reading isn't the problem; no no, the writing will send you to drink! he gets so frustrated with himself -and me- that he nearly rips a hole in his paper while erasing for the twentieth time. this is where i lose my cool. i guess because i didn't have a problem with writing, i just don't understand it! maybe it's a boy thing that so many have assured me, but good grief! how many times can you practice writing an 'o' before you listen and start the line at the TOP of the letter rather than the BOTTOM? look guys, i get it. practice makes perfect. but sweet baby jesus! help my nerves!!
i try very hard to suppress my inner thoughts. i really want to build him up rather than tear him down. i know what it's like to be torn down and i REFUSE to do so to my child. but can someone pass me a drink? can someone teach him to read and write? i'll do the rest!
in all seriousness, he's a smart kid. hello? he's beaten every mario game on the market.. but i really think that the bullies at school (this will be another story at a later date) and his frustration are taking a toll on his lovely little personality. it broke my heart tonight when he kept comparing himself to everyone else.
"darren writes better than me. he's better at math. i'm not smart".. etc. oh man...... it broke my heart. i started tearing up, he started tearing up, and before long, we were just both a puddle of mess. it took an hour of coaxing him and telling him different stories about how smart he is to make him settle down to go to sleep. i'm so broken over his low confidence. i wish i could magically give him the ability to "get it". he's such a good kid. he never gets in trouble at school.. he's animated, talented, great artist.. i wish he could see it. i hate to see him so broken.
motherhood really is having someone else walk around with your heart.