wait.

...there *may* be a job interview tomorrow. and i *may*  really hope i get it. so i need some prayers this way!

details tomorrow.

in the meantime.. on the way home from the sitter today luke says,  "that stop sign is an octagon because it has eight sides."

i guess school is teaching him things!!  woohoo!!

what i DO have

feeling needed, wanted, and unconditionally loved are basic human needs. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever going to be content with just being alone. if raising my son is "enough". but what happens when he leaves to better himself? soon, i won't be his world. instead he'll have his own group of friends he wants to talk to and play with. what will i do then?

it is so easy to focus on what i could have but what about what i do have? i can't complain. i could always tell you all of the things that would improve my life but what good will that do? i have it pretty good now.

1. my son is healthy and smart.
2. i have a roof over my head and food on the table.
3. i have a strong relationship with my mother.
4. hands down, i know at least 3 ladies who would pick up the phone at all hours to talk to me.
5. i have a job and a car.
6. i get aid to attend school (that i have an 'a' in)
7. i have an improving relationship with God.
8. i have this blog as an outlet.
9. i have books to read when i'm bored and/or lonely.
10. a supportive family.

i could list so much more.  the point is. all of this and my heart is still longing for someone to give it to. i wish i was stronger sometimes. i'm just an "all in" type of girl. i wasn't cut out for dating.

"the right time"

i've been thinking about something i recently talked about: "right girl, wrong time." because the timing has to be right to fall in love as well as it being the right girl as well. well, let me tell you what i think about that.

if she is the right girl, you make it the right time.

people should stop feeding loads of crap to me. i'm a realist but i tend to think with my heart rather than my head when it comes to people i care about. do people realize how special it is to "meet the right boy/girl" ? how many people are out there that you can genuinely get along with?

so no, there is never a "right" time. you work at it. you make it. there is never a "right" time to have children, usually it is something that just happens. usually if you plan it, you have a difficult time. 

now. i am a planner. i'm a little bit of a  type-a. but i think when it comes to feelings, you should let it occur naturally. 

so. screw "the right timing". MAKE IT THE RIGHT TIMING.

good grief.

i feel like some unsuspecting victim is going to feel the Wrath of Rachael soon.  i think i've had enough internalizing and it's about to all come out. i'm a ticking time bomb. (i think i have referred to myself as this before on this blog) several factors. don't you wish you could just say everything you feel without being scared of how that person will react? i have a lot of not-so-nice things to say to some people but i've got that voice in my head saying, "if you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." mommyhood 101. so that is what i'm doing; i'm being "nice". even if it eats me alive.

sometimes it is tough getting through the day. ever since luke started school (ya know, a mere four days ago), he has been exhausted. he has been crying over everything. he is one of those kids that says "i want a toy".. "but i want a toy".. over and over and over. where is the off button on kids? i can only hear "can i play wii when we get home" after saying 'no', so many times before i explode. tonight i had to make a run to walmart for two things: concealer and no-show socks for luke. it was getting late. i was tired. i wanted to be done and go home. i made it very clear before even getting in the car that we would only be getting these two items and we were going home.  it was a nightmare. saying he wanted a toy AT LEAST forty times, followed by rejecting the idea from me, turned into full.blown.crying.tantrum. then he wanted to be held. he's 36 pounds. he's tall. it doesn't sound like a lot but it is when you have to carry it around. so he cried because i wouldn't hold him. soon, i wanted to cry along with him.

times like those i think back to when i was a child. i remember acting crazy in the store and all my mom had to say was, "it's ok. i'm going to tell your dad when we get home." it inflicted immediate fear and then panic mode. i was the perfect angel. worked like a charm. granted, my dad is a lot of things .. but i can count the times he spanked me. it didn't matter. something about a man who is possibly four times to size of little ole me made me straighten up. i don't have that. luke doesn't fear anything. nothing really works. i take toys away. i put him in the corner. i "spank" him. (don't go calling DFACS. that kid gets it easy). nothing phases him. i should add that he is really good for everyone but me. he saves it for me. and i guess if i really think about it, i'd rather it be this way than him be TERRIBLE at school or for a sitter. at least it is my problem and i can handle it.. even when i feel like crawling in a hole.

at the end of the day, i look back to reflect on things that happened during that day. i generally get upset with how i reacted in certain situations. i do wish i was like some of my friends that were put on this world to breed children. who never break a sweat. and only occasionally lose their cool. i have never been that person. i just really hope i don't cause some deep down psychological disorder in my child as he gets older. the kid already has a lot on his plate. his "teammate" needs to be his form of solace. good grief. i need to work on it.


just to show that not everything sucks the life out of me. here are some pictures from the weekend.  quality isn't good; the phone pics, of course.

little dude does indeed have bieber fever.

and he loves posing for pictures. 

he told me to take a picture of him "against this wall". nerd.

my dearest, piper gave birth to five puppies this morning. 

we helped her with her labor. 

the only girl in the litter was a stillborn. 

it is always so sad when that happens.

luke's first day.

i suppose i should add to my last post (but i'm not. i'm doing it here), that WAS about you. but you knew that. i'm pretty sure.

anyway, something MAJOR happened today: my child started school. i knew it was coming. we prepared for weeks. the mario backpack.. the clothes. but then? it really happened. my alarm clock laughed in my face at 6:40am telling it was going to happen. granted, at 6:40am i'd rather pretend he's still 2 years old and he isn't growing up so that i could pull the covers back over my head. but, alas. it happened. the world is growing older,  i guess my son is too.

i think the hardest part was pretending to be "SUPER" excited so he'd get out of bed. admittedly, he inherited my "i hate mornings" gene. so, after some prying him from the comfort of the sheets, we managed to make him presentable. insert "the look" here.

he's a realist already. 

overall, he did well. i didn't cry. i surprised myself. i took a loooong nap after returning home which was a blessing. afterward, it was time to pick dude up. 

i have promised him for a year that we'd visit the "batman store" in town. so, i surprised him and we went . it's just an old comic book store. he was pretty much in heaven. when i asked how his day was he said "i don't know what to tell you." alright then? but, that's my dude. i expect nothing less.

now. for the obligatory pictures!

rut.

i'm stuck in a rut. i guess you could say it is a "down" day. sometimes life is just too much; i need a time out. 

i feel like there isn't enough time in the day. that i'm not doing a very good job at giving my child enough attention. that i'm failing. i feel like my needs aren't being met. 

there is nothing more disheartening than sitting in your child's very first school orientation with the other 21 couples and being the only single mom. hello, south. i did choose a table where a man was sitting without his wife.. because she's still on vacation and he had to come to ask her questions for her. i just felt incomplete. i was holding my head tall because i'm not ashamed of my situation but i still felt something was missing. 

everything boils down to me. i have to ask the questions to the teacher, talk with the other parents (this does feel like dating), make sure my child is capable of interacting with others in the classroom. i have to make sure all of the paperwork is properly in place and taken care of. i ran so many errands today just tying up loose ends with the paperwork involved. the pediatrician had to write a prescription stating luke can't drink or eat anything dairy. that soy milk must be involved. i had to meet the new woman who will pick up luke from school when i can't. i have to pay said woman. sometimes, i feel spread so thin.

and then of course, i lean on people that i know will offer encouraging words. but is it healthy the people i choose? no. they aren't available and really, i'm not capable of being "just friends" with an attractive male. somehow, i will want more. when i can't get what i want, i'm just mad. and then  i question what is wrong with me. never.ending. 

so. i need a break. from life. from attractive men who are always taken. from mommy-duty. just one day. one day i want to be alone and do whatever it is i want to do. or meet new, single friends. do those exist? i'm not sure at the age of 27. they are either engaged, married, pregnant, or going through a divorce. i don't really need to take on anyone else's problems at the moment. sooo not strong enough right now.

but. i know that tomorrow, i will wake up. it will be a new day. i will be one step closer to getting rid of huge zit that is making me look like a teenager. i will go to work. i will make it better than today. it is my son's last night- tomorrow- before he starts school for the next two decades. i'm going to make the most of it. i may even throw him a mom-granny-and luke party. why not?

in the end. i'm the mom. if i'm not going to do it, who will? .. ... exactly. i'm tough.

make you notice.

I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me
-kings of leon 

seriously, i know. the most over-played kings of leon song. the song that "sold them out". the only song "fake" kings of leon fans like. so, sue me. no matter how many times i hear this song, it brings out the LOUD vocals. the tears. the screaming alone in my car. i love this song. tugs at the heart strings because i feel every word mr. followill sings. i mean, if i have to show my "true fan before they sold out and became mainstream card", i saw them way back in the dizz-ay (day, duh) when they were no one opening up for the strokes. circa 2003-ish? so--- what then!

anyway, point of this post. do you ever feel like screaming in someone's face-- "what do i have to DO to make you notice me!??!!" grrr. i feel like this often. when will i have someone who feels that way about me? what if there IS someone that feels that way about me and just doesn't tell me? but what if someone does tell me how they feel and i don't feel that way in return? ahh.. what if the man i feel that way about would rather me keep it to myself because he doesn't want to reject me? catch 22.

what would YOU do?