have you ever hated your reflection?

have you ever hated yourself? i mean, more so what the mirror projects back to you. in turn, this sorta makes you hate the person you are for letting yourself look like what you see in the reflection. maybe i should back up.

it all started last july, nearly a year ago. this is when i decided to quit my teaching job that i wasn't happy doing anyway, and commute to atlanta every week and attempt a better life for myself at the circus. i'd stay for three days that first quarter until the last quarter i had accepted an internship that required staying in atlanta for five days a week. should i remind you that i have a child? yes, i am the mother that missed her child's whole first year of kindergarten.

at first, things were great. i lost weight because surprisingly, you gain weight when teaching-- food is free (!!). i lost all of that weight whilst on the road. i felt good. school was promising and i knew that if i worked hard i could get a job by the following july.

wait. i should back up again. i was always the girl that was thin in school. i ate whatever i wanted, when i wanted and i still had a nice figure. i remember being 85-90 pounds in high school! (side note-  i would never ever want to be 80-90lbs now nor do i think that it's healthy) but really, i have never had to try hard. i was one of those blessed girls. i remember once saying i'd just DIE if i hit 115 lbs. gag me.

then i got pregnant. i gained the appropriate weight and by the time i came home from my extended stay in the hospital, i was ten pounds away from being back to 115. yes, i was THAT girl. granted, my hips were wider and they never seems to "go back". at first i was scared but eventually, i liked the "womanly" body it gave me. i had curves... a year or two after having luke, i had to have my gallbladder out. i think this was the beginning of the end. a bit after, i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. going on medication was godsend.

ok, back to this past july. i believe it was the end of second quarter, around december and my birthday that i realized my body was changing. in a bad way. i was nursing that stupid heart ache and it seems over night my skin changed. it's as if i turned 29 and my body said, "haha! take that metabolism. i'm going to slow down worse than a turtle!" i developed these dark spots on my face around my cheek area. i've always had nice skin but these ugly things changed that. what caused it? i dont know. acne? sun? i'm really not sure. it happened in december. i know that i don't go out in the sun when it's cold but alas, they appeared. my family began to notice. i remember my mom saying, "what are those brown spots? you've never had them?" i think that was when i realized.. oh no, it isn't just in my mind; people can tell.

with the brown spots came sunken eyes and dark circles. it was around this time that i began using concealer under my eyes. it's something i never had to do before. with that came, "are you tired? you look so tired!" and i was. i was tired from the heart ache. i was tired from the commuting. i was tired from the all-nighters that school required. i was tired from the fast food i ate for two meals a day because... well.. i didn't have a refrigerator. it was enough that people graciously gave me a couch/bed/inflatable bed to stay on. how could i ask to add items to their fridge as well? and even then, i really didn't have the time or money to go to the grocery store. anyway...

i started noticing the weight coming back. the scale started tipping back to the weight i was when i was teaching. . . then it surpassed that weight. now i'm nearly 15 pounds away from what i was the day i went into labor!  not only do i carry fat in places i have never seen, my skin is sagging in places. my once nice butt is now not going to make an appearance this summer at the pool. did i mention that this year i had to buy a one piece? i was so uncomfortable in it i've just decided not to swim this year.

so back the original statement at the top. when i walk, i feel my arm hit against my sides and i hate it. my thighs touch. i feel it when i wear shorts. .. in my house. my legs are fat and awful. the main thing is, i really hate being unhealthy. i hate the person that stares back. i hate the person i've allowed myself to be. i hate that i've allowed myself to be so unhealthy. i hate that my child has to watch my habits. i don't want him to be unhealthy. (and he is.. not weight-wise. but his eating habits are terrible. burger king, much?)

i don't want my low self-esteem rub off on my child. i want to eat better, even be more active. i come from a long line of terrible genes. obesity, diabetes, heart disease, alzheimers, hypertension? it's all there.  i can and should and hopefully will take control of that. i want to live a longer, better quality of life for my child's sake. i want to be able to be active and keep up with him. i don't want my bmi to indicate that i'm overweight.

i owe it to myself but more importantly, i owe it to him.

why am i writing all of this? well, to be held accountable. maybe if i tell you how gross i think i am i'll change it. as i sit here right now i can tell you i'm thinking about how my shirt fits too tighly across my shoulders or how my jeans feel cutting into my stomach. i'm NOT this girl.

i will NOT be this girl any longer.

I'm moving.

This is the new apartment. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I'm thrilled to start my thirties here with my beautiful little six year old. Speaking of.. 

This dude had a birthday! He's SIX. That's starting on two hands! Wow.. I'm just so thankful for this little surprise. Admittedly, I was terrified of that positive pee stick but now I can't imagine life without him. Seriously, the best thing that has ever happened.

 

I have more to say but this is being typed on my phone. I have to get the Internet connected! Haha--

time to check in.

life's been crazy lately. this week has been a pretty terrible week. the kind of week that makes you want to scream (and i did!) "can i pleaaaase get a do-over??"   my car overheated on monday which lead to towing it. i was in midtown and had to pull over at the gas station, buddy's. should have grabbed a king of pop as a i waited for an hour but.. i didn't.  i started stressing about costs because this is just not the time for unexpected costs to pop up. $470. that's right. so i drove my friend's car all week.

i lost my driver's license and had to pay for a replacement... my instructor was not the happiest with me for not turning in my homework (hello, i have a j-o-b. i'm busy). anyway, just a fun week. in hindsight, it probably wasn't such a big deal but at the time i was over it. 

everything i just said should also be erased because my problems are NOTHING compared to oklahoma. oh man! the tornadoes. my heart breaks for the people who lost everything. those innocent child.. i donated to the animals as i always do. it's just so . darn . sad. however, my brother is ok! he lived one county over from here it all happened and he's ok. no harm done. a cousin of mine lost a few things. i can't imagine.

==

today at work i was listening to taylor swift all. day. long. i couldn't get enough. i bought the Red album when it came out and i fell in love with it. unfortunately, i was also in love with a boy at the time. so i took a hiatus from the cd. there was time every song made me giddy inside like one of those girls. haha.  so it was great to finally be able to listen again to those songs and look back with a smile but glad i'm where i'm at now.

me at the office..

ROUGH.

i don't know.

look at what my beautiful little boy made me!

it's really funny because i do. not. cook. 

flashback thursday instagram.

man, i was a cute kid.

i went to a meetup last weekend for rails girls. 

they gave us some sweet, nerdy glasses.

i didn't tell him to do this.

be still, my heart.

rockin' some mailchimp and big nerd ranch paraphernalia.

crazy loon. 

<3 p="">

this, that.

i joined a bikram yoga class. i go about three nights a week. HOLY CRAP IT'S HOT. i love it. i'm already more flexible. you should see how high i can lift my leg behind my head! YAY. i'm hoping it will help the circulatory issue that has reared its ugly head.

found an apartment in the highlands. hardwood floors, super cute.
good thing too because i don't have anywhere to stay in atlanta anymore!

luke will be an official first grader in a few weeks (eeeek).
booked a trip to disney to surprise dude on his birthday.
i'll be done with school in june.
i'm working in atlanta.
OMG. I'M A GROWN UP!

and now..... pictures as of late!

oh m y g o s h ... 

ALLERGIES ARE KICKING MY @SS.

a little blinky arduino action at work.

inman park restaurant festival = 

sippin' on gin and juice.

look at me being girly!

i'm kinda lovin my shrinky-dink necklace.

georgia represent!

this is a picture of how i feel when being

 in bumper to bumper traffic

in downtown atlanta.. on my way to work.

LONG HAIR, DON'T CARE. 

and go bravos! 

(can someone please make kimbrel go back to rome? thanks)

seriously. he's huge. i love him.

and he loves brian mccann!

i was feeling good stuck in atlanta traffic.

on the way to yoga..

you like my sweet new tattoo??

i do!

hollar.

luke's first field day!

he rocked that sack race!

(and the 50 yard dash..

but he SHINED at the hurdles.

dude can jump)

the reason i'm doing this.

the reason i'm doing anything.

it's all going to be worth it.

be intentional.

i was thinking yesterday about how differently parenting has become since having a cell phone became a necessity. i remember when i was growing up and  my mom's friend would call. i would get so disappointed because i knew that meant my mom would be on the phone for an hour.. at least.  it seemed like an eternity back then; her sitting in her chair.. talking.. and not paying attention to us. i grew resentment for her friend, "julie" (as it appeared on caller id).

now i think about the average usage of my cell phone activity. true, i don't actually talk on the phone much.. but i do check facebook, emails, pinterest (isn't that a time-sucker??), etc. i rarely even text these days.. but the amount of time i am scrolling through tmz or searching for random crap,  i could be giving my little dude my undivided attention.

i have always been proud of how well my main squeeze plays by himself. he's a true "only child" in that respect. he's happy to get his mario dolls and make them fight and have conversations. he's always been independent. but have i made him that way by making him second priority to my friend's status updates? although a bitter pill to swallow, i could answer that with a  "probably". how unfortunate.

i remember him being born-- fresh and asian-looking-- like it was yesterday. he will be SIX next month. this is time i will never get back. it goes by so fast. too fast.  i wonder what he will think when he looks back on his childhood. what he'll think of me. will he remember that i was glued to my phone while he repeated what he wanted to say multiple times to get my attention? will he remember that i answered his questions or commented on his stories with vague "oh cool"'s? barely there?

i need to be more intentional. i know that kids are tiring. i would rather read facebook than play. playing is not fun to me. it's annoying. . and really boring. but if it's what luke wants to do, why not suck it up? put down the phone.. and be intentional with my time. show him that he's my world (like i feel that he is my world). show him how much i really, genuinely love him. how i really am interested in what he has to say.

so here's to unplugging once in a while. and by one in a while, keeping my phone handy but reserving a time when luke is asleep to catch up on the "gossip" that has become the everyday world.  he's only my little dude for so long. one day he'll be someone else's dude. i need to show him his first love; his mom.

alone time.

i did something for myself:

i went out of my comfort zone and went to a braves game...... alone.

on a whim.
five seats to the left of me were empty. three seats to the right.

and guess what?

i had a blast. 

PICTURE HEAVY. a recap of april so far.

still interning. i did the reskin of orkin.com (check it out! it's live)  started school. only part time (two classes). did this because i'm hoping for a permanent job this quarter as it will be my last! woot. woohoo? etc. kid is great. and smart. and funny. good grief, that kid is funny. allergies are kicking my really severe. to the point of my eye swelling nearly shut. puffs with vicks infused are kind of amazing. tried bubble tea. i liked one flavor but what i really love are the macaroons they sell next to it. my new obsession. my childhood bfflzzz, kimberly, has been living across the hall from me this whole time. how freaking weird is that? so we've hung out a few times.. it's like a decade hadn't passed us by.

i promised my little dude some mario eggs. 

since they don't have that kit in stores, i freehanded some.

he was happy. therefore, i was happy.

my love and i. he loves me. like. a lot.

his cute face on easter. where did my 6lb baby go?

the easter bunny really loved dude.

easter egg hunt in granny's backyard.

no, the collared shirt did not last long.

one of the three egg hunts we did.

rockin' his nashville shirt i got him.

after that egg hunt, we ventured off on a nature trail.

it was just us two. my phone was dead and the sun was setting.

i almost freaked out about getting lost.

then.

i remembered that he and i were the only ones

and we had a long talk.

it was perfect.

because i like taking pictures of my shoes.

almost as much as i love shoes.

cute new sandals!

originally i had off the same week as luke for spring break.

well, i took an internship so i had to work.

luckily i was able to take off fri-sun with him.

mi familia met up with me in atlanta.

we went to the coke museum and the zoo.

we had tickets to see the braves 

*and side note- holy crap we are good this year!!!*

but it rained and was super cold so we didn't go.

my frand, kimberly. 

middle school, represent!

haha. but really.. having her across the hall is pretty amazing.

what a small world.

it was also national siblings day a few days ago.

in this shot, we have a cute little rachael almost giving a nip slip

holding her dear little bro, caleb for the first time.

i really do miss that boy.

COME BACK, CALEB!

seriously.. if you've never tried a macaroon, DO IT.

SERIOUSLY. i LOVE him.

he's the best thing that's ever happened to this world.

my little batman and i went to the dogwood festival 

this past weekend and had a blast. we thought it had to 

do with the trees .. but it was more of a celebration of dogs.

EVEN. BETTER.