Monday, July 15, 2013

on leaving.

the final push to get everything in one city is this coming weekend. the final move. the moment luke and i will live under the same roof everyday, again. i'm excited. i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i'm ecstatic. i'm sad.

it will be the first time i'm a "true" single mom. i've always lived with my mom and/or brother while being a mother. it wasn't traditional but i would have never been able to stand on my own two feet today without the support and help. my mom is my lifeline. i'm sad because this means leaving her in an empty house by herself. she isn't the most social person in the world. i'm just scared something will happen and no one will be there to help or discover her for a few days. i'm scared she'll come home and cry inside these blank walls. this is the hardest part for me. sure, handling luke exclusively will have its set of challenges but that doesn't bother me. we've been through thick and thin together. he's also a pretty good little dude. but leaving my mom?  a lump forms in my throat just thinking about it.

it all started to sink in tonight when i looked around my room and noticed nearly everything is packed. WHOA.  i've lived in this house since i was six. that's luke's age. sure, i moved out twice. but home is home. it's all i know. and for the first time, i realized this is going to be harder than i imagined.

the room i'm in now started off 24 years ago as my brother's room. it had striped wallpaper at the bottom with a border around the middle full of vintage airplanes. the walls at the top were blue. he had a race car bed at some point... and i had a WATER BED. (hahaha) i had the back bedroom. i remember moving in and demanding my dad to measure the rooms. i NEEDED the bigger room. turns out, the back room was 1 inch larger. i took it and painted it pink before you could blink. years and years later, i moved into this room after having luke and my brother moved out. i liked the large window that the other room lacked. i painted the trim and walls. i made it my own. and now.. i'm leaving it.

i know this is the natural progression of things. i know that most people have already moved out by my age. i get that. but i love my mom. when my dad walked out, it was she and i picking each other up. me picking up the pieces my dad left her, her picking up the pieces that i needed glued together to be a single mom. my dad left in may 2007. luke was born in june. funny how things work out that way. most people don't have the relationship my mom and i have. i'm so grateful for her. she's my backbone.

how luke feels about sofa shopping.

we're not related.

post getting my first facial. no makeup?
no problems? ..
8 pounds down. YES.

my pretty ma  and little lucy.

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