AHH. BREATHE.

i'm falling behind on this here ole blog. actually, i'm falling behind on life in general.

i have many things to say.. i just do not have the time at the moment.

here are some highlights .. i'll elaborate later----

1. it is midnight. i got home from job numero dos at 11pm. being the procrastinator i am, i finished two papers before the midnight mark. because naturally, they were due at midnight.
2. i'm constantly exhausted.  i  am having  a hard time keeping my eyes open during the day.
3. after contemplating red bull, 5 hour energy, i'm still at a loss. i find myself drinking about 5 cokes a day.. and all of the brown mess is starting to make me feel like a slug.
4. most importantly, i forgot to mention that little dude's fever wouldn't go away after six days so.. he was hospitalized at a nearby children's hospital. this warranted 6 days absent from school. no worries, all i well now.
5. we gave away one of the puppies so far.
6. i got to speak with a child life specialist after said hospital stay. it was enlightening.. and one step closer to being in the profession i want to be in.
7. my mom has strep. i have.. something. bronchitis? i don't know. 
8. kid is good.
9. i miss my grandpa and mention him in my school papers all of the time.
10. i love my uncle john and everything he does for my little fam.
11. i need new shoes for dude. he outgrew his sandals.. in 3 months. major outgrew.
12. we started to take on learning our letters and the sounds they make.
13. i'm itching for new art projects. i've been feeling so creative.
14. one of my dearest friends, abby wilson, had invasive surgery today to extract some tumors from her lungs. i've been in prayer all day. won't you do the same? 

.... ummmmm

yes . more soon.

advice to newly single mamas.

what i have learned in the past 4 years:

- make sure you have wipes in your car and in your purse. .. you just never know. even past the age of diapers, there will be messes and you’re going to kick yourself if you don’t have them.

- use the first fews years to do what you want. do what YOU want to accomplished. this will change when it is your child’s turn to have a life. (ie- soccer games, school commitments, etc.) get everything out of your way before the age of 4. or be like me: online classes. they are fabulous.

- accept support and help! without my mom, aunts, cousin, and select few friends.. i don’t know what i’d do. it really does take a village to raise a child.. especially if you’re a single mom.

- take lots of self portraits with your child! if you don’t, you’ll never have pictures of yourself with your child. don’t think it’s silly; you just don’t have anyone to take them for you! i made it a tradition to take one a week when he was small. now we do them on major outings or special occasions.. like the first day of school.

- if the daddy isn’t involved, don’t sugar-coat it. they will ask. you just have to tell them the truth. this also goes without saying.. never badmouth your ex in front of your child. never.

- find a special place for just the two of you. “your space”. my son and i go to atlanta. it is 1.5 hours away. it is our place to go. only us. he thinks it is so special.

- when you do start dating, do.not. let your child meet every man you date. only the special ones. and only after you are truly certain they will be around for awhile. luke has met one man in 4 years.

- know that if and when you break up with someone, your child is breaking up with them as well. they will hurt right along with you.

- get a dependable car. seriously. you do not want to get stranded due to car problems. chances are, you don’t know how to fix the problem and without a manly man, the cost will be pricey. so bite the bullet. get something that will work and last.

  what about you other people out there? what advice do you have to share?

the greatest man i ever knew.

my grandpa was a special man. he was the only man i have known to actually be a man. he defended me against my own father before. he picked me up from school when i was young. we took walks together. we went to church, just he and i. he and i were members of the same church; the only two in our family. we had a special bond. i mean, i love all of my family.. but that man had a very special place in my heart. he was so proud of me for no reason. he would stand at the front door of the sanctuary of church with me and introduce me to the church body. he loved me. 

he knew i was strong before i knew i had it in me. he was a conservative southern baptist but do you know what he said when i told him i was pregnant out of wedlock? "it's going to be a boy!"  he was happy for me. i think he was happy to have his first great grandchild as well. 

i always said that he would be the man to give me away at my wedding. unfortunately, that day will never come as he passed away three years ago this past september 12th.  i remember him saying during some of his last words, "luke skywalker!".. and his eyes lit up as he was struggling to sustain consciousness. i love that man. 

today is his birthday. i wish so badly luke could have really known him. but in our own way, we make sure we speak to him every night. we say "God bless you, grandpa in heaven. Did you just burp?" ...and i know he is up  there wishing he could scrape his stubble across my face with his toothless grin and bear hug engulfing me. 

happy birthday, grandpa. i miss you and love you so much.

because luke insisted we have a birthday cake for him:

sorry for the picture quality; bad lighting in the kitchen 

and my phone doesn't take very good pictures!

ive gotta feeeevaaa!

the boy's fever is still there. spiking every few hours when the motrin or tylenol is wearing off. i'm getting cabin fever though i did go do some damage at the mall yesterday. however, when you spend a third of what the receipt says you saved.. well, that's accomplishment!  

i picked up some cupcakes at a new place in own. delicious! i figured the sweetness and color would lure luke in to eating some (kid loves cupcakes). no such luck. i guess his throat really does hurt that bad. boo. 

here is a little insight in the single mom (and i'm sure married moms experience this too) world: 

my child is going to be out of school for some days. how many that actually totals is unknown right now. his actual school excuse from the doctor says "luke t. was seen in our office on 9-16-11. may return to school on ___ blank". we just don't know. so disheartening. since today is sunday, i am faced with the uncertainty of the week ahead. no more putting it off. who is going to keep my child for me while i work? luckily, my amazing mom is off wednesday and thursday.. but what about monday, tuesday, and friday? i don't get paid for sick days at my new job. what am i going to do? 

the downside to being a single mom. no one to barter or compromise with. it is all on me. it is a big responsibility to ask someone to watch my child with mono. what to do. what to do.

...

doesn't fall make you want a significant other?

2 things happened.. a positive and a negative.

a few things of note happened today. i'll start with the least important.

i watched blue valentine tonight. why does this matter? i believe that on this blog a few months ago, i said something to the effect of "i will never watch blue valentine." why did i say that? let me jog your memory.

i went through this break up with big c.  remember him? i thought that was it for me. he was my one. then we broke up. i was slightly devastated. (slightly, ya know... :) )... we had plans to watch blue valentine. over and over we meant to watch it but it was never available at the red box when we went. so i associated that movie with him. it's a romantic love story. top that with memories of big c. i was boycotting the movie.  then something happened to quarantine me to my house. movies were in order. blue valentine made its way into my bag and that was that. a tiny milestone if you will. it is like the burning of my bra for women's rights or something.. but not really. i like wearing bras. 

how was the movie? dragging. not nearly as good as i had anticipated. oh well. it is probably for the best.

and now for the important thing that happened today.

remember on my last post how i said luke was spiking a fever and i was crapping my brains out? i'm all better. kinda. but guess what luke's fever decided to peak at at 6am this morning? 1 0 freakin 4. 104 DEGREES, PEOPLE! i called my icu nurse mom. frantically asking if she thought it warranted an er visit.. she calmed me down. motrin and tylenol later, his fever was at 100. still not good but definitely not 104. after a strep test and blood test for mono, his strep was negative and the mono was FREAKING POSITIVE. MONO, PEOPLE. MONO. 

holy crap. we are indoors. movies, pizza (at luke's request),  and lots of fluids. that's the regimen. good grief. my poor, poor baby. his fever never really breaks. it worries me. but under strict orders, we are monitoring the degreeage (yes, i made that up) on the hour. we are making sure it doesn't get to 105 because yeah, that warrants an er visit.

prayers for my kiddo. he's so upset he is missing his soccer game tomorrow!

oh. and here are two pictures to show that my mom and i love the crap out of little dude.

 because when you have mono, grannies feel bad 

and buy you that $20 mario costume to cheer you up.

and mama's night stand boasts everything needed for a good night's rest:

tissues, tylenol and motrin, a thermometer, 

a notepad to make sure i know which med i gave last,

a book to read (God Loves Single Moms.. haha), 

and some toys for entertainment until that temp comes down.

whew. wish me luck. and again, pray for my dude.

contagion.. or something.

so, i woke up roughly around 4am to the stomach ache from hell. i ran to the bathroom where the beast started its twenty-four hour wrecking on my body. thank you, stomach virus!

the trips to the bathroom were frequent.. i'd say less that ten minutes apart. i tried sleeping through the urge to go but that idea was a major fail. calling in sick was a must.

thankfully, i have an amazing family member (sam!) who picked the kid up from my house to take him to school. i, then had my day cut out for me. the toilet and i became bffs. i tried sleeping in between sudden trips to the loo but to no avail. finally around 2pm, my alarm went off to let me know it was time to get the kid from school..

except i couldn't get off of the toilet. i was thirty freakin minutes late picking up my child. i felt like the worst mama in history. to add that proverbial icing, the coordinator of the school saw me entering the parking lot to "just let me know" that a cop would get me for speeding in his parking lot. thank you, kind sir. did i not just mention i'm late picking up my son because i'm crapping my brains out? oh, here comes to vomiting. yes, THANK YOU! just what i need. now both ends hate me. did i fail to mention that my ass really needs desitin to walk at this point? but i'll make sure to keep my speed at a minimum.

so, i finally grab my boy.. or rather, they bring him to me for fear of infecting the whole class. luke lets me know that one- his friend hit him twice (with tears in his eyes), and two- he feels sick as well. oh goodie gumdrops.

he was actually ok when we got home. we sat in the recliner watching tv in between my visits to the bathroom. around 8pm, he starts crying for no apparent reason. at this point, i've gone ONE HOUR without a bathroom trip.. and to me, this means i've ended my friendship. except no, no. that was a cruel joke. my friend returns.

so, back to my flailing child who has forgotten to use his words. i check his head- oh he's burning up! yeehaw. he's so limp at this point.. all he wants to do is lay his head down and cry some more. i finally get his motrin in and he's out in 10 minutes....

did i mention my mom has to spend the night with my grandma so it is going to be an extra fun doing this alone... and on the toilet??


lets see what tonight holds.. (prayers needed)...

to the bathroom i go!


(ps. i tagged this post under death. and that is pretty much what it feels like)

full circle.

when i first started college.. a mere DECADE ago... i met one friend. the college was a junior college; it was out in the middle of a small town. the people there were super country. as in, i was taking an art class and the town petitioned that we could not have nude models to draw. yes, country. at the time, there was only a hardee's to eat at. it was culture shock 30 minutes from home! meeting friends wasn't something i was there to do. i went to class everyday then promptly turned my car around and drove straight home. but like i said: i made one friend.

he has a funny name so i wanted to meet him. i knew we'd be friends. by the end of the two years there, we were carpooling. we had a good time. so simple. nothing more than friends. after all, i have a boyfriend.

after those two years, we lost touch. i went to atlanta, he went to florida. weirdly enough, he moved back as did i. he worked at the hospital with my parents and they would update me when they saw him. he was a really good guy.

time moved on. we never really talked. i knew how he was doing on the surface because of my parents. then i entered nursing school and he was in my class. he was now friends with someone i considered a best friend at one time. it was awesome. he was still a really good guy. by this time, i had luke. i wasn't interested in anything. but something about him being interested in someone else hurt me.

i pushed him away. i'm pretty sure he thought/thinks i'm crazy.

fast forward to the best friend i once considered. she got married recently. my dear friend was there. he's still a really good guy. and i'm trying to convince him to be my friend. only friends. i don't think i'd ever want to mess up the awesome friendship i know we are capable of.

so weird how life comes full circle. a decade later.

never forget.

where were you?

i remember dreading the day. it was a gorgeous day but i was not ready for this new week of high school. i hated high school but i loved my boyfriend. seeing him there made it tolerable. so, reluctantly, i got ready for this tuesday. it also happened to be my cousin's birthday. i was ready to wish her a happy birthday.. not wish the day never happened.

i remember going into second period graphics class with ms. mitchell and everyone in the hallway was talking and saying something major had happened. since i could have cared less about those people, i made my way to my class without much thought.

there, ms. mitchell had the tv on and told us all to hurry to the screen to watch the images showing before us. the world trade center had been hit by an airplane. we thought, "wow. that pilot made a major error!" we were silent. the second plane then hit the second tower. we gasped. some of us screamed. no one was sitting in a chair. we couldn't move and time stood still. some of us had tears. this was not a mistake by some pilot. this was a plan.

for the next few hours, the school was on lock down. the base across the street was on lock down. parents couldn't release their children from school. base employees couldn't leave their offices. it was chaotic but not. everything was eerily still. all we wanted to do was go home and hug our parents. we couldn't. then the rumors started.

"the terrorists have a list. warner robins is on that list." (we have a very large air force base full of weapons)

we all couldn't comprehend the events before us. i was senior! it was suppose to be a celebration! i had just lost my childhood dog of 13 years a few days prior and now our country was no longer as safe as we all thought. i was also ridiculously obsessed with new york at the time and i grew angry at the thought of it being under attack.

my boyfriend and i stood still. we hugged each other. our eyes were permanently dilated that day. when i got home, my mom was glued to the tv. we talked about our experiences of the day. we just could not believe how many would be effected. we were effected.

so. 10 years later, one child later. a few colleges and boyfriends later. i'm still here. and i still remember.

i can't help but look at my child and thank God he has his innocence. thank God he wasn't alive for that terrible day.

never forget. we are not invincible.

are you out there?

anyone out there? .. silence...

well, i'm here. barely. my days start at 6am and end around 11pm if i'm lucky. yesterday i didn't step foot in my house until 10pm. i have been so busy. i'm actually loving it! my self esteem has been boosted since i'm bringing in some more dough. i feel like i can actually contribute to the raising of my kiddo again. true story.

today luke had his first soccer game. it went well. he played some good defense (unintentionally, of course). little dude is just too shy, though. we have got to work on it. since his dad couldn't be there, i made sure he had the biggest crowd to compensate! i have such an amazing family and best friend. no joke.

in other news. i'm suffering a major allergy attack at the moment. i haven't had one in months! stupid georgia weather. can we decide if it still summer or fall? this week we were in the high fifties low sixties. today as i was decked out in jeans, it was HOT OUTSIDE. ugh. i hate the fickle weather here.

after the game, i had all intentions of getting to the pharm to pick up our meds. but guess what? luke and i laid down in bed at 1pm and woke up at 8pm. i guess we are both exhausted!! when we woke up, little dude said "whew. that was some good sleep!" he truly is my kid.

i keep having dreams about relationships. sometimes i miss it (like right before shutting my eyes for sleep) but most of the time i'm just too darn busy to care!! at least my dog likes licking my feet. it is close enough to a massage. hahahaa. i'm so lame.

pictures soon.
toodles.

soccer mom!

so little dude started soccer. woop woop. the first practice, it was blatantly obvious he is raised by a female with no athletic ability. yesterday, he did awesome! he even scored a goal!! woo to the hoo!

puppy update.

recently, my days have consisted of nursing this little guy. one day he just woke up and could barely put pressure on his legs. we checked the color of his tongue. it was pale white so we knew something was going on. he was so lethargic because -being the runt- sometimes gets you pushed to the back. he just couldn't keep up with his two fatter brothers. luckily, a little bottle feeding every three hours has seemed to bring my pup back to himself. thank you, God.



i hope everyone has a good labor day! little dude and i are doing some deep cleaning.. rather, i am. he's playing mario brothers on the wii!

until next time.