Sunday, May 29, 2011

down day.

i'd say that my current state is much like a ticking time bomb. not that i'm going to go ape shit on the next person that stares at me for too long. . no- more so in that sad, child-like way. the little girl who's feelings get hurt because you said her hair is red rather than brown. she then goes running to the nearest bathroom with eyes full of tears. thus, the reason i never wanted a little girl;  i can't deal with the emotions and drama. now i find myself being her. the 'her' i never liked. 

to be honest, i'm not sure why the decline of this relationship is affecting me as it is. some days i'm ok and i can enjoy a good laugh with people. other days (namely today), i'd rather be in a dark room under some covers. sleep seems to be my only way out of the world. just for a little while. 

at my grandma's today, my aunt took something i said the wrong way. she got up from the table and sat in another room. now, if this had happened two weeks ago, i'd laugh and say some sarcastic remark.. things would be ok and we'd move on. today i just couldn't take it. i had to get up and run to the bathroom where i just let out uncontrollable sobs-- but discreetly so no one would come asking me if i was ok. as i lay there on those blue tiles from the 1970's, i just kept thinking to myself 'how do you move forward?' how do i pick up the pieces? i just have such a hard time with rejection.

my last heart break was when i was 23. now i'm 27. i thought maybe it got easier with age. alas, i'm a living testament that it in fact, does not.

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