Saturday, May 21, 2011

a million little pieces.

have you ever felt like, 'big deep breath... and exhale. i have finally found it. what everyone talks about. when you know, you know.'

recently, i found that. it has made me a happier mom, daughter, and friend. overall, my general wellbeing has been feeling like i can finally relax and not worry about tomorrow because i'm taken care of.

rewind to last week. i'm pretty sure you could have quoted me saying to any given family member, 'yes, i know we will never break up. i have no worries.' i was sure of it. the plans were in place. luke and i would be moving the first week of july to columbus, ga to pursue love and that 'family unit'. as the days were being slashed off the calendar, i couldn't help but get excited. i bought small plastic cups for my boy at our new casa. i had my list of things that needed to be bought .. bed sheets for luke since he'd be taking over my full size bed.. etc. life was good. my forever was finally pulling together and i finally thought maybe i would be one of those girls that gets married someday.

fast forward to today. my what a week makes! from getting morning text messages while i wake up stating things about being missed or thought about.. to nothing. absolutely nothing. to feeling like a burden or some crazy, psycho girl who can't stop texting with nothing in return. no responses. from the guy who would hide at work to respond or send me something to let me know i was cared about to.. nothing. at. all.

it is hard. i wonder where everything went wrong. what had i done? i had a hard time getting over SD because he didn't love me enough. it is one of the worst feelings to want someone so much with little to nothing in return. i made a vow to never do that again. and now? here i am. all of my thoughts lead to this one person .. and what i could have done differently. all of the past is playing in my head. did i fall too soon? did i push him away? scare him? is it my child (because if so, i can get over this really fast)? i just dont know. and not having answers makes me feel so broken.

i know this is all effecting my parenting... and that makes me feel so much worse. it isn't my son's fault. i've never had to deal with dating while being a mom. new territory. how do i hold my head high, laugh at jokes, and have fun when inside, i just feel like i'm dying.

i'm trying to be positive. maybe things will change. maybe he will come to his senses and realize i'm worth it. is that settling? i dont feel like it is. he is such a good match for me. .

we are going on vacation in june. i sure hope he comes along..

until then.

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