Wednesday, May 25, 2011


i'm the type of person who is an open book. i don't mind sharing every detail of my life (until things get hairy- ie- the mass text i sent to family and friends telling them i absolutely did not want to discuss the BIG C break up). i'm trying to conceal identities for those guilty innocent people in my life.

BIG C= the first boy i fell for after becoming someone's mama. actually, he isn't a boy at all. he's a man. the true first man i've ever dated. see how i did that? brilliant.
LITTLE DUDE= i affectionately call my 3 foot main squeeze.
BFFLZ= because 'z' makes it so much cooler and takes me back to high school. fo realz. lylas. this is the girl i trust with my son -God forbid- anything happened to my momz or I. that 'z' thing is so gangster.
SD= well, it means sperm donor. and i don't mean the man that is my father. i mean little dude's pop. we get along most days, actually.

like my key? what a clever, super cute thing to do.

so, lets get this party started.

pardon my emotional mess yesterday. it happens. i could tell you the complete sob story of my dad, brother, and SD abandoning me. hell, some it has been my fault. i get it though: men hate me. there, i said it.

i think i threaten men. i wish i could take everything they say for face value. it would make my life a lot less messy i'm sure. i just can't. i was blessed/cursed with woman's intuition. i always find out.

so really. i need to conceal my 'crazy' more. or just let the beast never rear its ugly head. it can scare people away who haven't seen that side of me. *ahem* i have a fear that i won't ever be loved. my father told me i'd never be loved because i won't allow people to. he says i'm awful in relationships and i treat people like crap. so, in an effort to show that i was devastated from the downfall with the BIG C, i put up my walls. i threw around a lot of f-bombs.. and sobbed uncontrollably. like.. ugly cry. it wasn't pretty.

alas, i am a mom and i have to scrape myself out of the bed at some point. i have a life to take care of other than my own. i also needed to do some apologizing to those i freaked out. (sorry!!!) i'm really not crazy. there are just a few things to know. yep, i come with a disclaimer.
  1. i am a planner. i love a plan. this comes with being a mom. my days usually have some sort of flow. i don't deal well with the unexpected. (not to be confused with change. i will embrace change as it comes. i am actually ready for a change.)
  2. i hate being ignored. please, send a respectful message telling me to jump off of a bridge.. but do not ignore me. (see- daddy issues)
  3. i have been in excruciating pain for the past three weeks. this means i've consumed 4 bottles (literally) of ibuprofen to get through the day. i'm not a pill popper. i actually hate pain medicine. when i say pain, it has been ROUGH. lately i've been having a hard time getting out of bed because of the pain shooting through my mouth, ear canal, and to my head. lets say.. sometimes i wish i was pushing out a kid instead. (root canal booked for 10:45am tomorrow)
  4. number 3 being said, i haven't been myself lately. i've been on the verge of murdering an innocent bystander because they were talking too much. i have been telling my child things like 'whisper' or 'please stop talking so i can think'. i never say things like this. so, i apologize. i will contribute the lapse in proper composure slightly due to this.
.. so the direction i'm taking with this little blog is to get my BIG C back.. and chronicle the awesome (!) and trying (boo!) times of being a single mama.

oh. by the way. in the world of little dude. he went for his first swim this afternoon in our pool. i haven't had to buy shorts or swim trunks since he was born. the kid doesn't gain weight. i'm proud- and embarrassed- to say. . . he wore a SIX MONTHS size swim suit today. seriously?! i do feed the kid, DFACS. i do.

casey anthony is an awful, awful person and i'd really like to see due justice.

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