tooth asparagus.

ah. the tooth pain is back. because, why not? it isn't done yet. thankfully, i'll get it fixed june 7th. can i wait that long? dear lord i hope so.


fun fact.


only 1 in 4 people have the gene to smell asparagus.

truthfully, i don't think i'm one of them.

JUNE.

june activities-

1- gracie's first birthday!
4- peachtree city for the grace's birthday party. (pool party!)
5- celebrate caleb's 21st.
6- caleb's actual birthday/ school starts for me! college again. yay!
18- my baby boy will be FOUR!!!!! / day of party including a firework show!!!
26- leave for vacation/ samantha's 20th birthday


so..... yeah. there are things to be happy about!!!
woo hoo!!

plus i have a new hobby which means meeting new people.


i'm going to be alright :)

the happiness project.

i started a book yesterday. the happiness project. i always pick up reading as a hobby when i'm lonely and need a good "friend". i'm picky about the criteria the book has to meet. truthfully, it has to have a nice cover. i enjoy aesthetic appeal. it's the graphic/photographic/creative side of me. if the cover is nicely designed, it must not be about falling in love, being in love, or losing a loved one (death). it has to have feminist undertones, preferably bash men, and sometimes.. involves a single mom. why not? misery loves company. i enjoy getting lost in other people's problems rather than my own. taking a break to remove myself from my mind and go into someone else's world brings me comfort and peace. weird? sure.

one thing that has kind of been.. haunting me.. lately is the phrase, "fake it til you make it". this means (and scientifically proven) that if you want to be happy, make yourself act happy. this doesn't mean being super bubbly and cheerleader-esque. lord knows i don't even have the capacity to do that. so, the idea is that if you act happy, you will in turn be happy. so.. maybe? i'm skeptical but i'll give it a go soon.  the phrase has been introduced twice in one day. sometimes, i like to believe in signs.

also, i thought about activating my match.com account again. some people have told me that a rebound may be what it takes to get over it. it has worked for me in the past. i just don't know if i'm up to it this time.  i signed into the account tonight. i saw there were some updates, then i promptly signed out. i'm not ready.

down day.

i'd say that my current state is much like a ticking time bomb. not that i'm going to go ape shit on the next person that stares at me for too long. . no- more so in that sad, child-like way. the little girl who's feelings get hurt because you said her hair is red rather than brown. she then goes running to the nearest bathroom with eyes full of tears. thus, the reason i never wanted a little girl;  i can't deal with the emotions and drama. now i find myself being her. the 'her' i never liked. 

to be honest, i'm not sure why the decline of this relationship is affecting me as it is. some days i'm ok and i can enjoy a good laugh with people. other days (namely today), i'd rather be in a dark room under some covers. sleep seems to be my only way out of the world. just for a little while. 

at my grandma's today, my aunt took something i said the wrong way. she got up from the table and sat in another room. now, if this had happened two weeks ago, i'd laugh and say some sarcastic remark.. things would be ok and we'd move on. today i just couldn't take it. i had to get up and run to the bathroom where i just let out uncontrollable sobs-- but discreetly so no one would come asking me if i was ok. as i lay there on those blue tiles from the 1970's, i just kept thinking to myself 'how do you move forward?' how do i pick up the pieces? i just have such a hard time with rejection.

my last heart break was when i was 23. now i'm 27. i thought maybe it got easier with age. alas, i'm a living testament that it in fact, does not.

clarity.

honestly? i don't have the energy to put into it anymore.  you can't make someone want the same things as you. no matter how hard you try, i don't think the most successful lawyer could convince someone. and really? what kind of life/love would that be? you shouldn't have to convince someone you are worth it. you just should be. i don't think i've experienced that type of love since i was 18 years old. somehow, i do think i will pick myself up and walk a little taller after this. heart break hurts but it makes you tougher. at least i know now that i can do this. i can potentially fall for someone again. i'm not equipped with a black heart.. even if i want most to believe that.

hangover 2 was good. if you want a good laugh, it is good medicine.

thoughts on this, that, and the other.

i just have a few things i've really been thinking about lately to share with you fine people.. (aka all 14 that read this daily!). sometimes when i get an idea, i write it down.  usually the little scrap piece of paper gets lost in my horrendous car or my crumb-filled bed. hey, whatever! it's mine. you don't have to deal with it. lately, i've had plenty of time on my hands as i haven't made it see my good friend's baby that was born this week, i haven't seen my bfflz in months, big c clearly isn't talking to me.. so what else do i have to do but think and over-analyze and make this the longest run on sentence in history?

some pondering.

there's no getting around it; couples fight. we all have that moment when it hits us that we've entered into a relationship knowing roughly as much about our soul mate as mia farrow did in rosemary's baby. but i do enjoy knowing that if i've decided to use that so-small clutch that only carries my license it in it, i do have a keeper of my wallet, cards, kleenex, pen, and anything else i may need in my other half. i like knowing that if something happens to me, they could be capable of picking up my life or deciding whether to pull the plug. or if i get hurt, they are there to pick me up. anyway, the point is, at the end of the day, it's good to have somebody. .. but finding that somebody is another story. 

sometimes i worry that we've all become workaholics- because getting through life can be really hard work. but we need to log off, go home, and remember what it is to have dinner, conversation, and sex... not necessarily in that order.

when someone ignores you or doesn't treat you as you deserve to be treated but you can't cut ties because they are the best thing since sliced bread.. and maybe.... just maybe.. they will wake up and realize what a huge mistake they've made.. and they send you flowers or a letter in the mail professing their love and their stupidity.. wake up! (this is a note to self) i always find myself in this situation.  did i lose self respect?  it's not whether somebody loves you, it's how he treats you that counts. am i afraid to be alone? or maybe i woke up one morning at 27 looking at my life and how the past four years had passed by..  and my energy and confidence went with it? 

and lastly.. i came across this. and since i've decided to give all of my issues to God (who has thrown me a curve ball today), i will leave you with this poem i read last night that i really need to adhere to.

but now i know the things i know,

and do the things i do,

and if you do not like me so,

to hell, my love, with you!

clever, right? ..  

ps- sorry family members, i mentioned sex. we all know i have an illegitimate child so there should be no secrets, right? :)


oh, and if we are keeping track .. it has been 19 days since i've laid eyes on big c. 19 whole days.. and i dont even remember the last time i was at his house. weirdly, i miss the smell of his bathroom after he has been in the shower, most of all.

the root of all that is evil.

the demon that has been plaguing me, aka my molar tooth.. also known as #19 in the dental world.. has now been alleviated of its decayed, calcified, roots. after 2 hours and more pulling, pushing, and tugging i care to remember, the roots are gone as well as that shooting pain through my head. instead i'm now dealing with a chipmunk cheek and swore gums. i can take the trade off. i finally feel like i can get through the day without gouging my eyes out with a tooth pick.

now lets get to the single mom part of this all. all i have to say is-- thank God so much i have the amazing mother that i do! i do not know i could possibly deal with the world if it wasn't for her. after getting home from my appointment, i headed to bed and didn't emerge until around 6:30pm. now, i have a child that requires feeding and all of that other stuff that involves maintaining life. thank the lord she was here to handle it all while i could whine by myself in the darkness of my own room. (love you, ho!)

in other news, i finally got a text message from the big c. i can tell you my hopes are not up but at least he acknowledged i exist in the world. umm.. yeah. that's all i got.

.. i always wanted to be alone.

there is a reason i said i'd be happy alone. it wasnt because i thought i would be happy alone. it was because i thought if i loved someone and then it fell apart, i might not make it. it's easier to be alone. because what if you learn that you need love? and then you don't have it. what if you like it? and lean on it? what if you shape your life around it? and then it falls apart? can you even survive that kind of pain? losing love is like organ damage. it's like dying. the only difference is, death ends. this? it could go on forever . . .


i needed you more.
you wanted us less.

regrouping.

i'm the type of person who is an open book. i don't mind sharing every detail of my life (until things get hairy- ie- the mass text i sent to family and friends telling them i absolutely did not want to discuss the BIG C break up). i'm trying to conceal identities for those guilty innocent people in my life.

BIG C= the first boy i fell for after becoming someone's mama. actually, he isn't a boy at all. he's a man. the true first man i've ever dated. see how i did that? brilliant.
LITTLE DUDE= i affectionately call my 3 foot main squeeze.
BFFLZ= because 'z' makes it so much cooler and takes me back to high school. fo realz. lylas. this is the girl i trust with my son -God forbid- anything happened to my momz or I. that 'z' thing is so gangster.
SD= well, it means sperm donor. and i don't mean the man that is my father. i mean little dude's pop. we get along most days, actually.

like my key? what a clever, super cute thing to do.


so, lets get this party started.


pardon my emotional mess yesterday. it happens. i could tell you the complete sob story of my dad, brother, and SD abandoning me. hell, some it has been my fault. i get it though: men hate me. there, i said it.

i think i threaten men. i wish i could take everything they say for face value. it would make my life a lot less messy i'm sure. i just can't. i was blessed/cursed with woman's intuition. i always find out.

so really. i need to conceal my 'crazy' more. or just let the beast never rear its ugly head. it can scare people away who haven't seen that side of me. *ahem* i have a fear that i won't ever be loved. my father told me i'd never be loved because i won't allow people to. he says i'm awful in relationships and i treat people like crap. so, in an effort to show that i was devastated from the downfall with the BIG C, i put up my walls. i threw around a lot of f-bombs.. and sobbed uncontrollably. like.. ugly cry. it wasn't pretty.

alas, i am a mom and i have to scrape myself out of the bed at some point. i have a life to take care of other than my own. i also needed to do some apologizing to those i freaked out. (sorry!!!) i'm really not crazy. there are just a few things to know. yep, i come with a disclaimer.

1. i am a planner. i love a plan. this comes with being a mom. my days usually have some sort of flow. i don't deal well with the unexpected. (not to be confused with change. i will embrace change as it comes. i am actually ready for a change.)
2. i hate being ignored. please, send a respectful message telling me to jump off of a bridge.. but do not ignore me. (see- daddy issues)
3. i have been in excruciating pain for the past three weeks. this means i've consumed 4 bottles (literally) of ibuprofen to get through the day. i'm not a pill popper. i actually hate pain medicine. when i say pain, it has been ROUGH. lately i've been having a hard time getting out of bed because of the pain shooting through my mouth, ear canal, and to my head. lets say.. sometimes i wish i was pushing out a kid instead. (root canal booked for 10:45am tomorrow)
   
4. number 3 being said, i haven't been myself lately. i've been on the verge of murdering an innocent bystander because they were talking too much. i have been telling my child things like 'whisper' or 'please stop talking so i can think'. i never say things like this. so, i apologize. i will contribute the lapse in proper composure slightly due to this.

.. so the direction i'm taking with this little blog is to get my BIG C back.. and chronicle the awesome (!) and trying (boo!) times of being a single mama.

oh. by the way. in the world of little dude. he went for his first swim this afternoon in our pool. i haven't had to buy shorts or swim trunks since he was born. the kid doesn't gain weight. i'm proud- and embarrassed- to say. . . he wore a SIX MONTHS size swim suit today. seriously?! i do feed the kid, DFACS. i do.


ps-
casey anthony is an awful, awful person and i'd really like to see due justice.

a broken heart is physical pain. i promise.

i have literally used my inhaler to get me through today. right now, i am hyperventilating. it took four years to trust men again. four years. it has been crushed in three months. i am beyond hurting. let me recap.

jan 1- my dad sends a text disowning me.

feb- i met C.

two weeks ago - my brother sends me a text disowning me.

friday- some people pretending to be an online work from home, turn out to be a scam. . sending me a 2k check to deposit.. only for it to overdraw my account.

two days ago- i try to speak with my brother in front of employees at target. he walks away.

yesterday- i lost C.

today- my dentist calls to tell me i'd have to pay 2k to have the root canal i need. i can't pay that so i find another dentist who tells me the other dentist has used most of my money for the year so i will have to pay out of pocket for most of my root canal that i desperately need. this root canal almost sent me to the er last night it hurt so bad.

the reason i have been waiting to move to columbus was to find out if i got into nursing school. the letter was in the mailbox saying i didnt when i got home.


i'm on the verge of a serious mental breakdown and that is putting it mildly.
i wish C would reconsider his decision. i do. we had a great relationship. we got along. we had the same values. he took care of me. he talked about me when i wasn't there. everything.

he applied for a job in a town i'd never live. without asking me what i thought.

i prayed every night that his health would be ok. i took care of him when he had an allergic reaction. i would have done ANYTHING. i wanted abby in wedding one day.. omg. .

this is so easy for him. he deleted luke's pictures immediately. why do i have to be in pain? why am i suffering?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

i'm having trouble breathing.

jerry mcguire esque.

he completed me.

is the part where i let him go and do what he thinks he wants.. then he realizes the error in his ways and notices that the job, the house, the money is worth nothing without me and my kid?

yea, stupid movies and their happy endings.

a million little pieces.

have you ever felt like, 'big deep breath... and exhale. i have finally found it. what everyone talks about. when you know, you know.'

recently, i found that. it has made me a happier mom, daughter, and friend. overall, my general wellbeing has been feeling like i can finally relax and not worry about tomorrow because i'm taken care of.

rewind to last week. i'm pretty sure you could have quoted me saying to any given family member, 'yes, i know we will never break up. i have no worries.' i was sure of it. the plans were in place. luke and i would be moving the first week of july to columbus, ga to pursue love and that 'family unit'. as the days were being slashed off the calendar, i couldn't help but get excited. i bought small plastic cups for my boy at our new casa. i had my list of things that needed to be bought .. bed sheets for luke since he'd be taking over my full size bed.. etc. life was good. my forever was finally pulling together and i finally thought maybe i would be one of those girls that gets married someday.

fast forward to today. my what a week makes! from getting morning text messages while i wake up stating things about being missed or thought about.. to nothing. absolutely nothing. to feeling like a burden or some crazy, psycho girl who can't stop texting with nothing in return. no responses. from the guy who would hide at work to respond or send me something to let me know i was cared about to.. nothing. at. all.

it is hard. i wonder where everything went wrong. what had i done? i had a hard time getting over SD because he didn't love me enough. it is one of the worst feelings to want someone so much with little to nothing in return. i made a vow to never do that again. and now? here i am. all of my thoughts lead to this one person .. and what i could have done differently. all of the past is playing in my head. did i fall too soon? did i push him away? scare him? is it my child (because if so, i can get over this really fast)? i just dont know. and not having answers makes me feel so broken.

i know this is all effecting my parenting... and that makes me feel so much worse. it isn't my son's fault. i've never had to deal with dating while being a mom. new territory. how do i hold my head high, laugh at jokes, and have fun when inside, i just feel like i'm dying.

i'm trying to be positive. maybe things will change. maybe he will come to his senses and realize i'm worth it. is that settling? i dont feel like it is. he is such a good match for me. .

we are going on vacation in june. i sure hope he comes along..

until then.