in my own way.

i was reading another single mom blog and completely agreed with the content of a recent post. so, let me indulge.

under this sarcastic exterior of mine, i'm a pretty sensitive girl. i wear my feelings on my sleeve but no one realizes it. i internalize. i get knocked down. easily. i take things personal when they aren't meant to be. it doesn't matter what the situation is (not even always a dating problem), i will always pick myself up again. for myself. for my son. for my family. it may take me a little bit, but i will always get up again. in my own way.

a tad boring.

i made an 'a' in my one class. monday, i start two more. these are the classes that count. woo hoo.


in the world of rachael- i've become boring once again. i'm not looking to date anyone because i simply do not have any time. i'm content. i don't have much time to think because if i'm alone, i'm asleep. we have a strict 9pm bedtime these days. i wake up around 6am-ish and luke wakes up around 7. yep, we need our sleep. we just aren't morning people.


i've decided to surprise the parents of the children in my class with a present for christmas! i started working on it today... i'm so excited.

so................. how is everyone?

worrying.

when i was pregnant, i remember praying to hit the milestones without a hitch. ya know, the first ultrasound praying there would be a heartbeat. the 20 week ultrasound where you still hoped there would be a heartbeat as well as a healthy baby. 28 weeks.. knowing there was a chance of being viable. 34 weeks knowing your child has a strong chance. 37 weeks.. being full term and getting so excited. praying for 10 fingers and 10 toes as well as good apgar results.

what they fail to mention in the pregnancy books is that the worry doesn't stop at birth. it only multiplies from there. i remember luke having health problems; constant projectile vomit at every meal. countless doctor's appointments. then the diabetic test. the blood draws. the cystic fibrosis test. on pins and needles for results. i remember when we realized he had an eye that was misshapen; the doctor telling us that at least it was reacting to light but only time would tell if it was cosmetic or not. (note- he still has this misshapen eye.. an ophthalmologist should be consulted although kiddo can see)

then he headed to school a few weeks ago. i find myself questioning if he is where he should be mentally. i mean, he's smart. he can beat up to world 5 on mario brothers.. but he can't follow direction. is it affiliated with his eye? is it some form of dyslexia? what is it?

the problem is.. he is SO painfully shy. if he isn't understanding something, he will be the last to tell the teacher. he came home with homework a few days ago; just a test to see where he lies with his IQ. one of the questions said "tell your child to put a book in the middle of the table" i did. he didn't understand where the middle was. then it said "put a book between the couch cushions" .. he sorta understood this. lastly, "tell your child to put the book under a table." he didn't understand that at all. things like "end" or "beginning" have no meaning to him. you can point in an object's direction and he won't understand. in soccer, he didn't understand blocking the ball from going into the net although the other children seemed to get it. maybe i'm being overly worried. i'm' not sure. i just know that i'm concerned.

i've always been the type that would never use ADD/ADHD medication unless it was truly truly truly needed. as in.. a brain test or something measurable. so, i'm not going there. but..


ideas? thoughts?

9/11.

i plucked a gray hair from my scalp tonight while doing my nightly bedtime routine. i call that gray hair luke. i guess i'm getting old. one- because i found a gray hair and two- because i have a bedtime routine. in a few short weeks, my 10 year high school reunion will take place. where has the time gone?

i look back at being 17 almost 18.. 9/11 happened my senior year. i was in graphics class with ms. mitchell. everyone stared at the tv screen completely captivated with what was happening. and then the second plane hit. of course, living in a huge military town, everyone "heard" the terrorists would hit our town because we have the biggest air force base. rumors are funny with how fast they spread. our classes were on lock down. the base was on lock down. parents couldn't reach their kids by phone. it was a surreal nightmare.

i remember coming home to my mom in a trance with the tv blaring. it is like the day stood still. can you believe it will be 10 years in a few weeks? wow. it still seems just like yesterday. one of those memories you'll always remember where you were.

checking in.

one full time job. one part time job. throw in tuesday and thursday soccer practice for little dude. school online (average of three papers due weekly). oh.. being a mom. etc. that's my life. i do it because i choose to. for my son. for myself. i try not to complain. really. but good grief, i'm exhausted. mentally and physically. however, working 60+ hours a week has given me more energy. does that make sense? i'm waking up at 6am and working until five on most days, 10pm on others .. yet... i feel like i can tackle the global health problems or something. what gives? again, i can't complain. i'm feeling so much better about myself as well. i guess making more money and having a 5 o'clock pm off time really makes me feel grown up for something. and really, having my life so planned to the minute has made me happy that i'm single.

anyway. i promise a good post on the latest this weekend. (ya know, on my one off day- sunday!)

xo

...really?

after a long night of congestion, i woke up to this:

i guess after i actually look at that awful picture, i realize it isn't as noticeable as it is in person. anyway, i've got pink eye. good grief. so. the list adds up to- 102 degree fever, strep, ear infection, coughing, congestion, and pink eye. holy. crap.

and so, life goes on.

i'm alive. barely.

sorry friends. i disappeared. since working with the kiddos, i've had a 102 degree fever, tonsils aching, and some serious nasal congestion. i'm working through it. today was my first day off so i spent some much needed time in the bed asleep. thank God for my mom. have i said that lately?

in the teaching world, i have to say i am beginning to really enjoy it! i can't wait to build up my immune system though. and my boy is sick as well. darn those snotty children!

i'll be back soon when i deflate my head. just letting you few out there that email me know that i am in fact alive!

pray for us and our health. thanks guys :)

xo

super busy single mom.

i started a new job today.. as a teacher with my own classroom.. to three-year-olds. what a daunting task! however, it will provide the experience i need in order to apply for my internship for my degree which is always exciting. i'm making good on my five year plan this way! it also nice to be able to contribute to lives of children and help shape who they become. (ask me how i feel in a few weeks!) but honestly, i'm excited. the only thing my heart is really missing out on is dropping luke off at his school and picking him up. it was always so super rewarding to do those things. i'm still receiving the daily emails from his school letting me know what he's up to but i can't help but yearn for my child when i'm around 15 others that aren't him. lets just say... i covered him in hugs and kisses when i got home!!

i'm still going to work in retail to keep my insurance... along with going to school full time. (what am i thinking??) you do what you have to do. such is life as a mom. and especially a single mom. 

luke should be starting soccer practice within the next couple of weeks! opening day is september 10th. we will be so super busy. i can't wait! i think.  i will be his biggest fan.

playing catch up.

warning: huge picture post.

thursday, august 11th, i met up with a good friend from a decade ago (holy crap, i'm old) and we took a trip to atlanta. we went to see our favorite band, death cab for cutie. if you have never heard of them, shame on you. they are amazing. anyway, we entertained ourselves with some robot dancing, fist pumping, and of course.. the fabulous voice of ben gibbard!

note- i did not drink and drive.

i was just holding the drink while kim snapped the photo of the robot!

a little fist pumping action. before this, we had been virgin fist-pumpers.

kimster and i.

our feet. mine are on the right. i scored these hideous things for $5

and i love everything about them. picture worthy, for sure.

we ate at my favorite late night spot in atlanta, fellini's pizza.

if you haven't ever eaten there, GO!

my mom bought an extra wii controller so two people can play. sounds perfect, right?

unfortunately i'm super competitive and i won't allow my son to win.

bad mom.

on saturday, i was itching to do something creative. i never get this feeling anymore.

usually i'd rather just sleep.

 but this table was driving me insane with the "catch all" it had become.

so i scoured the house and found a few things.

did the reno on the free.

granted, this is NOT  my style. but it is my mom's house.

and her things. so ..

i decided to do a little "country shabby chic" thing she loves.

the end product. i think it turned out decent! 

the dried flowers in the pitcher are from my grandpa's funeral.

some people may think that is weird on the table..

but if you are allergic as i am to anything that grows, you'll love dried flowers.

before heading to the store, luke wanted a little photo time.

notice his hair? spur of the moment mallory trip.

 he loves it; as do i!

seriously, he should model.

i can't believe i was part of making such a gorgeous kid.

so. same day i was feeling creative? i should have stopped at the table setting.

i decided to cook. um. i can't boil water properly.

but i tried my and at eggplant parm. it WOULD HAVE been good

but the eggplant didn't cook long enough so there was no biting in to that rubber.

oh well, the dogs liked it.

and lastly. around here we are gearing up to play our first sport-- soccer!

someone even wore their cleats to sunday dinner today.

there ya have it!

i have much more to share about some major changes.

but i'm going to wait until tomorrow.

xo

5 years.

sorry. i briefly stepped away for a moment. i haven't been lazy though; actually, the opposite. a major picture post coming later tonight.

in the meantime, a  where do i want to be in five years post.

on this day in five years, i will be 32. (whoa..) little dude will be 9. (double whoa..)  i hope to be a child-life specialist, certified with bachelors degree in hand. living wherever that career takes me. i hope to be self-sufficient and living (maybe owning) my own place. i want to be considering a second child, whether that be via sperm bank or husband. i hope to be available to my son by taking him to soccer, baseball, or whatever practice and helping him with his homework. i hope to be living by the dave ramsey plan (envelope system) and in turn, be debt-free. i want to be able to claim a "dish" as my signature dish. which means... i want to know how to cook. daily. and save money doing so. i want to be  the "cool mom" but also be a mom. not just a friend. i hope to continue being best friends with my mom and close with my family. in five years, i hope to be toned by doing a regular exercise routine (maybe take up running instead of making excuses?).  i hope to have a church family and participate actively in that environment. i want to be healthy.

i have a lot i need to accomplish. i can.not.wait.

wait.

...there *may* be a job interview tomorrow. and i *may*  really hope i get it. so i need some prayers this way!

details tomorrow.

in the meantime.. on the way home from the sitter today luke says,  "that stop sign is an octagon because it has eight sides."

i guess school is teaching him things!!  woohoo!!

what i DO have

feeling needed, wanted, and unconditionally loved are basic human needs. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever going to be content with just being alone. if raising my son is "enough". but what happens when he leaves to better himself? soon, i won't be his world. instead he'll have his own group of friends he wants to talk to and play with. what will i do then?

it is so easy to focus on what i could have but what about what i do have? i can't complain. i could always tell you all of the things that would improve my life but what good will that do? i have it pretty good now.

1. my son is healthy and smart.
2. i have a roof over my head and food on the table.
3. i have a strong relationship with my mother.
4. hands down, i know at least 3 ladies who would pick up the phone at all hours to talk to me.
5. i have a job and a car.
6. i get aid to attend school (that i have an 'a' in)
7. i have an improving relationship with God.
8. i have this blog as an outlet.
9. i have books to read when i'm bored and/or lonely.
10. a supportive family.

i could list so much more.  the point is. all of this and my heart is still longing for someone to give it to. i wish i was stronger sometimes. i'm just an "all in" type of girl. i wasn't cut out for dating.

"the right time"

i've been thinking about something i recently talked about: "right girl, wrong time." because the timing has to be right to fall in love as well as it being the right girl as well. well, let me tell you what i think about that.

if she is the right girl, you make it the right time.

people should stop feeding loads of crap to me. i'm a realist but i tend to think with my heart rather than my head when it comes to people i care about. do people realize how special it is to "meet the right boy/girl" ? how many people are out there that you can genuinely get along with?

so no, there is never a "right" time. you work at it. you make it. there is never a "right" time to have children, usually it is something that just happens. usually if you plan it, you have a difficult time. 

now. i am a planner. i'm a little bit of a  type-a. but i think when it comes to feelings, you should let it occur naturally. 

so. screw "the right timing". MAKE IT THE RIGHT TIMING.

good grief.

i feel like some unsuspecting victim is going to feel the Wrath of Rachael soon.  i think i've had enough internalizing and it's about to all come out. i'm a ticking time bomb. (i think i have referred to myself as this before on this blog) several factors. don't you wish you could just say everything you feel without being scared of how that person will react? i have a lot of not-so-nice things to say to some people but i've got that voice in my head saying, "if you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." mommyhood 101. so that is what i'm doing; i'm being "nice". even if it eats me alive.

sometimes it is tough getting through the day. ever since luke started school (ya know, a mere four days ago), he has been exhausted. he has been crying over everything. he is one of those kids that says "i want a toy".. "but i want a toy".. over and over and over. where is the off button on kids? i can only hear "can i play wii when we get home" after saying 'no', so many times before i explode. tonight i had to make a run to walmart for two things: concealer and no-show socks for luke. it was getting late. i was tired. i wanted to be done and go home. i made it very clear before even getting in the car that we would only be getting these two items and we were going home.  it was a nightmare. saying he wanted a toy AT LEAST forty times, followed by rejecting the idea from me, turned into full.blown.crying.tantrum. then he wanted to be held. he's 36 pounds. he's tall. it doesn't sound like a lot but it is when you have to carry it around. so he cried because i wouldn't hold him. soon, i wanted to cry along with him.

times like those i think back to when i was a child. i remember acting crazy in the store and all my mom had to say was, "it's ok. i'm going to tell your dad when we get home." it inflicted immediate fear and then panic mode. i was the perfect angel. worked like a charm. granted, my dad is a lot of things .. but i can count the times he spanked me. it didn't matter. something about a man who is possibly four times to size of little ole me made me straighten up. i don't have that. luke doesn't fear anything. nothing really works. i take toys away. i put him in the corner. i "spank" him. (don't go calling DFACS. that kid gets it easy). nothing phases him. i should add that he is really good for everyone but me. he saves it for me. and i guess if i really think about it, i'd rather it be this way than him be TERRIBLE at school or for a sitter. at least it is my problem and i can handle it.. even when i feel like crawling in a hole.

at the end of the day, i look back to reflect on things that happened during that day. i generally get upset with how i reacted in certain situations. i do wish i was like some of my friends that were put on this world to breed children. who never break a sweat. and only occasionally lose their cool. i have never been that person. i just really hope i don't cause some deep down psychological disorder in my child as he gets older. the kid already has a lot on his plate. his "teammate" needs to be his form of solace. good grief. i need to work on it.


just to show that not everything sucks the life out of me. here are some pictures from the weekend.  quality isn't good; the phone pics, of course.

little dude does indeed have bieber fever.

and he loves posing for pictures. 

he told me to take a picture of him "against this wall". nerd.

my dearest, piper gave birth to five puppies this morning. 

we helped her with her labor. 

the only girl in the litter was a stillborn. 

it is always so sad when that happens.

luke's first day.

i suppose i should add to my last post (but i'm not. i'm doing it here), that WAS about you. but you knew that. i'm pretty sure.

anyway, something MAJOR happened today: my child started school. i knew it was coming. we prepared for weeks. the mario backpack.. the clothes. but then? it really happened. my alarm clock laughed in my face at 6:40am telling it was going to happen. granted, at 6:40am i'd rather pretend he's still 2 years old and he isn't growing up so that i could pull the covers back over my head. but, alas. it happened. the world is growing older,  i guess my son is too.

i think the hardest part was pretending to be "SUPER" excited so he'd get out of bed. admittedly, he inherited my "i hate mornings" gene. so, after some prying him from the comfort of the sheets, we managed to make him presentable. insert "the look" here.

he's a realist already. 

overall, he did well. i didn't cry. i surprised myself. i took a loooong nap after returning home which was a blessing. afterward, it was time to pick dude up. 

i have promised him for a year that we'd visit the "batman store" in town. so, i surprised him and we went . it's just an old comic book store. he was pretty much in heaven. when i asked how his day was he said "i don't know what to tell you." alright then? but, that's my dude. i expect nothing less.

now. for the obligatory pictures!

rut.

i'm stuck in a rut. i guess you could say it is a "down" day. sometimes life is just too much; i need a time out. 

i feel like there isn't enough time in the day. that i'm not doing a very good job at giving my child enough attention. that i'm failing. i feel like my needs aren't being met. 

there is nothing more disheartening than sitting in your child's very first school orientation with the other 21 couples and being the only single mom. hello, south. i did choose a table where a man was sitting without his wife.. because she's still on vacation and he had to come to ask her questions for her. i just felt incomplete. i was holding my head tall because i'm not ashamed of my situation but i still felt something was missing. 

everything boils down to me. i have to ask the questions to the teacher, talk with the other parents (this does feel like dating), make sure my child is capable of interacting with others in the classroom. i have to make sure all of the paperwork is properly in place and taken care of. i ran so many errands today just tying up loose ends with the paperwork involved. the pediatrician had to write a prescription stating luke can't drink or eat anything dairy. that soy milk must be involved. i had to meet the new woman who will pick up luke from school when i can't. i have to pay said woman. sometimes, i feel spread so thin.

and then of course, i lean on people that i know will offer encouraging words. but is it healthy the people i choose? no. they aren't available and really, i'm not capable of being "just friends" with an attractive male. somehow, i will want more. when i can't get what i want, i'm just mad. and then  i question what is wrong with me. never.ending. 

so. i need a break. from life. from attractive men who are always taken. from mommy-duty. just one day. one day i want to be alone and do whatever it is i want to do. or meet new, single friends. do those exist? i'm not sure at the age of 27. they are either engaged, married, pregnant, or going through a divorce. i don't really need to take on anyone else's problems at the moment. sooo not strong enough right now.

but. i know that tomorrow, i will wake up. it will be a new day. i will be one step closer to getting rid of huge zit that is making me look like a teenager. i will go to work. i will make it better than today. it is my son's last night- tomorrow- before he starts school for the next two decades. i'm going to make the most of it. i may even throw him a mom-granny-and luke party. why not?

in the end. i'm the mom. if i'm not going to do it, who will? .. ... exactly. i'm tough.

make you notice.

I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me
-kings of leon 

seriously, i know. the most over-played kings of leon song. the song that "sold them out". the only song "fake" kings of leon fans like. so, sue me. no matter how many times i hear this song, it brings out the LOUD vocals. the tears. the screaming alone in my car. i love this song. tugs at the heart strings because i feel every word mr. followill sings. i mean, if i have to show my "true fan before they sold out and became mainstream card", i saw them way back in the dizz-ay (day, duh) when they were no one opening up for the strokes. circa 2003-ish? so--- what then!

anyway, point of this post. do you ever feel like screaming in someone's face-- "what do i have to DO to make you notice me!??!!" grrr. i feel like this often. when will i have someone who feels that way about me? what if there IS someone that feels that way about me and just doesn't tell me? but what if someone does tell me how they feel and i don't feel that way in return? ahh.. what if the man i feel that way about would rather me keep it to myself because he doesn't want to reject me? catch 22.

what would YOU do?