Monday, July 4, 2011


when we were out of town, a big storm hit. my computer has been out of commission until this very moment. ahh.. i hope this lasts.

rather than being at a smoke-filled bar right now, i'm at home typing this. a few reasons.
  1. i hate smoke. i hate going to bed smelling said smoke. and really, i have to work tomorrow.
  2. i just got home from a fireworks show with little dude and i'm pretty tired.
  3. this has been one of the worst days in a while.

lets delve further. i'm a pretty rational girl. i don't like playing games. i like the honest truth. please, be up front. don't ignore me, don't act as though everything is great when really you are brewing a hatred inside. just tell me.

today  i cried. i haven't done that in a little while. you could blame it on hormones but really my feelings have been hurt have you ever felt like everything you say is taken  the wrong way? everyone is picking you apart?  you run to the person you want to tell this to and it doesn't really go anywhere? today is that day for me.

i'm a girl. deep down, i'm sensitive. if i say "oh maybe i won't come"... sometimes a good "oh but i want you to!" would be awesome. rather than, "ok".  i love reassurance. i need it sometimes. or keeping plans. just keep your word. compromise. it hurts my heart when things don't go as anticipated. usually i've been dying with excitement on the inside and when things go sour, it is just such a huge disappointment. 

my heart has been hurting today. various reasons. truthfully, this may all seem trivial to everyone else. but one day - i want someone to want me. all of me. my flaws. my planning. my neuroses about being in a room full of strangers. my cynicism. maybe even someone to take that cynicism away. i'm an investment really. i can be a good one if treated properly. i just hate being let down or ganged up on.

and once more. the feeling of pulling away is the toughest part.

i remember when two friends snuck into my backyard in the middle of the night to see me. what happened to that? am i too old for surprise visits at all hours of the night? i miss that.

i've been reflecting on this tonight. i have such a hard time with patience.

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

and also. lets end with the positive that i should never let the negative outweigh.

i have a really amazing friend. when i think of her friendship and everything she, her husband, and family has done for my child and i.. it brings tears to my eyes. she always lifts me up but she isn't so "peppy" that we can't have a good laugh. her husband has always loved my son. when he was small, he'd take him to his bed and snuggle with him. he was a man to him when no one else was. tonight at the fireworks, he held my son's hand. he picked him up when he couldn't keep up with the pace. things i have never asked. mrs. t is the best friend i could have. sometimes i take for granted how much she cares for me. i hope one day i can show her how much she means in return. she has always picked me up when i'm down, been my biggest fan, and included me in anything we might find fun. her kids are the best because of those loving parents. i hope one day i'm half the mom she is. (love you girl)

1 comment:

  1. Rachael, you're a great writer. And wow, do I relate. I need reassurance, too. Maybe it has something to do with growing up with co-dependent parent.

    You ARE an investment. A beautiful one. Hug!