Sunday, July 10, 2011

the morning after.

“The human heart has an almost unlimited ability to bounce back from spiritually destructive experiences. Some deep part of us, the soul you could call it, fights not just for life, but for a good life, and a just one.” – Lundy Bancroft

in the midst of my drunken haze, i deleted everything about him. phone number, friend on facebook, blocked him from, etc. sure, a bit much. but. i was drunk. i shouldn't do that anymore. it only leads to hurt feelings and bruised egos. i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have taken such extreme measures had i been sober.

the fact is. rejection still hurts. whether it is after a few weeks, a  few months, or a few years. no one likes it. no one can control it. and really, we just have to wake up the next day and trudge forward.

i had cold sweats all night. i kept waking up to check my cell phone to see if he had sent anything in return. of course, that didn't happen. between phone checks, sweating, and tossing and turning, it made for an eventful night of no sleep.  i didn't even have luke in the bed. maybe that contributed.

i was drunk as i've said. but i still prayed. i'm not sure how God would feel about that... but i needed to give my feelings to God. put him in control. i prayed for guidance and strength- something i've prayed for a lot this year it seems. in turn, i had the most vivid, detailed dream of a future c-section. wow. maybe that was God telling me it just wasn't going to work.. since said boy isn't capable of having children. so, i have a little more strength that maybe this didn't pan out as i wanted, but there is a plan in place above me.

i wish i could say i'm 100% a-ok today.. but i'm not. my heart has a little sting. i'm human. ha............

the best thing i've done since joining the blogging community is to follow others that "get it".. this was posted today.. i couldn't ever put it as eloquently as she did but i agree. 100%
The struggle with my faith...that is between me and God...and with me trying to release and let go of all of my hopes and desires and dreams to be with someone for the long-term. It just seems as if it's not meant to be. I know that there are those who will say, "What you think is what will be" (a la The Secret). I understand this thinking--I do. But after all that I have been through with males and within intimate relationships, this *is* the conclusion that I have come to. Some out there have found new love, have found new life, even after all that they have endured. They have found their companion in life. That is a blessing, to be sure. I do not know that I will ever receive this same blessing. I am trying to accept what may be the case for my life...even if it is not what I would choose. I am trying to allow to die what I have sought after my whole life thus far. Sometimes sublimation of our desires is the most appropriate path to take.

and then something happens.. like my kiddo coming in screaming with excitement as i type this. he is SO excited to let me know he just beat the first level of mario on the wii by himself!! yay!!!

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