Monday, June 13, 2011


it was around 10am. my water broke while being checked. the pain was incredible. i couldn't focus on anything other than the waves of nonstop contractions coming over me. i went from zero to ten on a pain scale in the matter of minutes. my mom was standing beside me: partly containing her excitement, partly trying to console me while in immeasurable pain. she offered her hand. i was sent into my own room at this point. i was wheeled in the wheel chair as i couldn't walk. the contractions were on top of each other.

in  this room, i was met by two aunts, two cousins, my brother, luke's daddy, and my dad. i toyed with the idea of not calling the man (my dad) due to the current circumstances but i did anyhow; the birth of your first grandchild only happens once, after all.  here, the phone rang incessantly. it was too much with everything else going on... and where was my epidural?? i had planned on the joyous needle being inserted into my spine for nine months. where was that doctor?? i believe quite a few f-bombs left my mouth as the phone wouldn't stop. i believe "unplug the f-ing phone" was screamed. people laughed. was this a joke? don't you see i'm dying?!

at this moment, the lovely nurses explained that the anesthesiologist had been informed of my discomfort. "shortly", they kept saying. i was checked at this point, i was 9cm's dilated. seriously? who does that on their first labor? yes, i jumped from 4-9 in 30 minutes. everyone was shocked.  what seemed like 15 years later was probably 5 minutes of time in reality. the anesthesiologist came to discuss the epidural procedure with me. unfortunately, i had progressed too fast and wasn't a candidate for the epidural. all i can remember at that moment was.. "there is no way i can do this. NO WAY" i had lost all hope in myself and my body. the pain was intense and the contractions didn't have a break between. then came the curve ball-- the moment that my pain seemed so trivial.

i opened my eyes to see my dad and mom's faces. they were slightly pale and their mouths were open. i was unaware but luke's heart rate was dropping with each contraction. remember, the contractions didn't stop. suddenly, everything became an emergency. nurses filled the room. my doctor looked panicked. i was told to get on all fours with an oxygen mask on. my baby was being deprived of oxygen and i was must be strong to get it to him.  i remember feeling helpless. i wanted so badly to just do as they said to help my poor son however, the pain was something i had never experienced and it was  

i was on all fours with several nurses around. at some point, my IV was pulled out with blood going everywhere. it had taken the nurses several tries to get this line and here it was, lying outside of my body on this bed. miserable.  after many failed positions to get his heart rate stable, i was laid back into lying position on my back. i was told to push to get him out.  two pushes and his heart went to zero. no more trying. i was so confused. i was wheeled out of this room in the bed and told to please calm down, this is an emergency.

the operating room is where i found myself. i hadn't had my epidural and since there was no time to explain anything, i was told i'd be put to sleep. everything was prepped before i was actually put under. i remember my legs held in the air by two people while a catheter was placed. -hurt-omg- .. next, betadine was being swabbed all over my belly. i screamed "AM I GOING TO BE PUT TO SLEEP??" i could feel everything and i needed to make sure they knew it.  the last thing i remember is looking at the anesthesiologist who said "this is going to feel like fire going up your arm.." and boy, did it. but i went to sleep....

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