Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the breakup before last. EDITED

BABY DADDY and i dated on and off for around five years ONE, TWO, THREE, FIFTEEN, AH, WHATEVER. HOWEVER MANY YEARS. when i found out i was pregnant, that sealed the deal for him that we would no longer be together. BUT WE WEREN'T TITLED "BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND" AT THE TIME OF CONCEPTION BUT STILL TALKED EVERYDAY OR SAW EACH OTHER EVERYDAY. at the time, i was devastated. i lost my best friend as well as my future son's father. i cried myself to sleep more times than not in those nine months. i wasn't used to sleeping alone at that point nor was i was used to not getting a "goodnight" call from him. everything ended. 

i suppose the saying is true:  a girl becomes a mother when she is pregnant, a man becomes a dad when the baby arrives.. or sometimes later.. or never. sd was scared. he ran from me as fast as he could. at the time, i was angry and hurt that he would do such a thing. now i have a better understanding.

the point is, when we broke up,  i could focus on the bad as well as the good. i can't do that with big c. there was nothing wrong. when i say we never fought, we really didn't. with BABY DADDY, it was such an unhealthy relationship. it began as he was nursing a heartbreak and i was just lonely.  i thought i could make him better. make him better for me. when our ideals, ethics, personalities, and everything else clashed, it was torture for both of us most of the time. we held on for as long as we could but it was just toxic in the end. 

initially, it was hard to comprehend being a single mom. i had so many concerns and questions. after all, i was raised by both parents. their relationship was nothing i wanted to model mine with my son around but hey, there were two warm bodies around most of the time.  in the end, the second luke came out, i had a newfound confidence. nothing else mattered. the world around me became blurry and in that moment, all that i wanted was my son and i to live a happy, healthy life. and truly, so far we have.

anyone else seen the movie the waitress? that scene when she gave birth is exactly how it was for me! thoughts?


  1. Although not exactly the same, a very similar thing happened to me-the only thing that really makes times harder is when you're doing the single mom thing and there are so many daddies around-the ones who didn't take off on the poor mama and baby.
    Nice to see an honest post! We are not alone.