Friday, June 3, 2011

this is my hardest year.

alright. so. it's over. finito. ka-putt.  it is what it is. am i in shambles? yes, of course. naturally, when you open yourself up to someone (especially after four years of being dormant), i think it is only human to be devastated. it has broken my heart and soon, i hope to reassemble it.

the worst part of it all is being a single mother to a son who has fallen for this man as well. not only do i not  get the luxury of closing out the world momentarily for my own personal well being, i have to listen to him ask me repeatedly if he will be coming to his birthday party, to the beach, or will his sister be there? what do you tell the kid? i point blank said- we will never see him again. well this inquisitive kiddo i have doesn't let that be the answer. .. so why won't we see him? is he mean? did he not like us? why doesn't he want to see us? my dear heart, i wish i had the answers you need. he understands that people aren't permanent. he knows that you don't get to see your daddy everyday .. or ever really. i hate that his poor little soul knows so much about the world and the people in it at such a young age. if i could shelter him, i would. if i could take it back to feburary, you should believe i won't have let him ever meet big c. when i think about it, it's too much for me to deal with. for him, i can't imagine. there are two broken hearts to mend.

so. here i am. at square one. this square and i are best friends at this point. i have to find some way to not associate everything around me with this person who is unable to love me. i'm willing to guarantee there will be no viewing of blue valentine (which is sad because i was really looking forward to watching it), i will never want to watch that ginnifer goodwin movie that is out, michael buble won't be listened to as it held so many of my thoughts on our relationship and made me *so* happy, the zoo won't be visited for a long while, peachtree city and columbus will not be a destination in my car for a very long time, the dresses and shirts i can remember going on dates in or the underwear i bought because i went to make sure he was ok and didn't pack anything.. those will be thrown out.. i hope to never smell his scent.. ..

people don't tell you that a heart break is physical pain. they don't tell you that you may sit in a parking lot yelling out the loudest sobs while clutching your chest for fear of a heart attack. because it hurts. emotionally and physically. and how can you go on? luckily i have a son to live for. he is the reason i'm getting out of bed and faking this smile. he has a birthday to be planned, a vacation to go on. life doesn't stop just because i want it to. i have to make his life fun because he is 3 and he shouldn't have to deal with heart break.

i can feel a long battle to come. i hope i can get back to the place i was at before. i surely don't want to be alone but truthfully, i'm not sure there is someone out there. maybe if i was mean and put up a fight, a man would love me. it's not in me. maybe one day, a man will come along that appreciates a good girl who will surprise him occasionally. until then....

clarity through bloodshot eyes. 

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