beach update. wednesday

no post yesterday- what! it was another relaxed here at the beach. the rain started mid day yesterday but we made the best of it. we haven't actually done any activities yet so i suppose today we'll go on a snorkeling trip at shell island. super excited!!

the person who has been keeping company via text makes me smile.

god.

i've been praying each night for a good thing to come. something to take my mind off of the past. to accept the things i can not change (that is the prayer for twelve step meetings, right?). i asked for strength. a sign, even. i've needed someone to provide a backbone when i haven't been able to stand straight lately.

luke and i pray every night. ever since having him, prayer has been something we do. i can't raise a child without a village.. and especially someone to watch over him when i can't. when i became pregnant, i really looked to God to help me all of the stressors i faced. i prayed for a healthy child. i prayed for the strength to be a single mom.

don't worry, i have failed many times. i will continue to fail because after all, i am human. i use profanity in stressful situations. i have a LOT to work on. i judge people... although i have to admit, this is something i have really focused on and feel i've come a long way.

anyway, the point is.  i always ask for things i want... and sometimes things i need. not always do i act christian-like, but i am. i struggle. i feel sorry for myself when i know others have it harder. i yell at my child rather than keep my composure sometimes. but i do thank God everyday for the things i DO have/need.

a healthy, smart little boy who loves me more than anything.

a mom and family who support and help me.

who love each other through thick and thin.

a job.. in this economy.

a reliable car to get me places.

a house to live in. food.

MY health.

sometimes, it doesn't feel like but he does listen to my prayers. and i.am.thankful.

beach update; tuesday

i have something to look forward to back home. well, he googled this site (!!). yes, you. so that is exciting. as for here, we are having another relaxed day. we're staying inside tonight rather than going out to eat and soon, we're going to watch a movie we rented. we visited the pier today and ate at five guys. i thought i'd be so nervous on that pier so far out, but overall i did well. the ocean has been full of seaweed to the point that it isn't really a good idea to go out in it. i pulled out so many clumps of green goo in my bathing suit. so gross! it is the slimy kind- yuck. but hey, it isn't warner robins!  i'm looking like a lobster today. i'd post a picture but my phone isn't happy with being 22 flights in the air. thanks verizon.

i'm feeling a lot better today. i ended up deleting mostly everything from the past and i'm ok with that. pushing forward.

never.

he said this is forever. finally. so that was it. there was never finite answer. just a "we'll see" about the status of our future. but now that i know, that's it for me. i'm hurting. even in such a beautiful place surrounded by my family. there is still a literal ache. i can't help but feel something is wrong with me. what did i do? but i guess it still goes with the territory. i can't believe i'm so torn up about a relationship that didn't even last a year.

on the flip side, beautiful weather. good food. ice cream.

SUNSET.

we made it!  the weather is beautiful and i couldn't ask for more.

we ate quesadillas tonight and the company is awesome.

missing someone but i can't control something i can't change.

ughghghghk;sdhjas;ihd

i should be at home packing. it is 11:16pm. i'm still sitting with my granny. don't get me wrong, i love the woman... but i have so much to accomplish before i start the drive tomorrow. you got that? i'm driving and i still haven't packed.

to top it off, i haven't eaten dinner. i'm so light-headed i feel dizzy. no one will answer their phone to relieve me of my duties. my bro, my uncle won't answer my text, my mom won't answer to let me know she may have washed my clothes.

i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when i shouldn't be. i'm blessed.

oh. my brother just texted back. my phone just died. i'm so ill. do i know his number? no? why would i do something like that?

ughhhhhhhhk;hdsluwalsdniwf9asc'ip;/sklfmdsv


i just want some BIG C.

haircuts. chores. boring.

today was pretty busy. tying up the loose ends before heading out for 7 days is stressful. i'm not complaining. i can't wait to leave! 

we started our day getting hair cuts from M.. yay! (thanks M. love you) then we headed to get an oil change. from there, we were picked up by my mom and started food shopping for our trip. i went to this new store in town called ALDI. i bought some hummus on the cheap (again, thanks M  for the recommendation) as well as other junk food for our 6 hour drive.

i'm praying luke does well. i've currently packed a dvd player with plenty of dvds, a portable drawing board, and.. something else? but i can't remember.

right now i'm staying at my granny's while my uncle is on a date. (haha) when i get home, the packing MUST begin. slightly anxious about it. 

anyway, i have to say that today was a little harder than most on the big c front. seriously? i should be over it. but i'm not! i guess i started thinking of past times with him and how gentlemanly he was. paid for my gas, even. who does that?? but this trip was planned around his vacation week so really, he should be going. of course he isn't so it leaves a slight void. i think once i see the ocean and smell the salt, i will be fine.  sometimes.. i am just overwhelmed for how much i care(d). and i know that if we were together, he'd clean my car for me :) (miss you boo)

beach trip 2010. (pic heavy)

 last year, we spent the fourth of july in florida. specifically okaloosa island.

we had a blast! luke learned to swim and overcame his fear of the ocean!

 i ended up getting so burnt but it later turned into a tan!

 kiddo had a buzzed head.

but we love the ocean. i can't wait. this time tomorrow i'll be in the sand back in florida. 

nothing makes me happier!

18.

dear 18-year-old self, 

you think you're invincible. maybe you are. you have a boyfriend who really freakin' loves you, you're finally getting straight a's, you've got an awesome car, your parents are together, and you're getting out of high school soon. your mom is your enemy because she totally doesn't understand you so your dad and you are best friends. only, he shows his love by buying you things. that is what matters, right?

just know that life isn't always so easy. your boyfriend who would do anything imaginable for you, you will throw away because you just *need* someone who lives in your town rather than bettering them self at college. you'll jump right into the next relationship with your boss who you try to convince yourself you love although, your heart was left with your high school sweetheart. you'll try to break it off multiple times only to keep taking him back because you feel bad. 

this will end. of course. you'll make out with his roommate because that's the classy thing to do. however, you'll have tons of fun with your partner in crime- special k- and bask in the attention of multiple men who admire you. life is good on the weekends when you party it up with your under age friends. you'll throw up black stuff and not remember much from those nights.. but that's living the good life, right?

you'll finish up two years at a local college and decide you need a bigger life; lets try atlanta! so, just as you are considering your move to a big university in a big town, you reconnect with a friend with a broken heart. long drives at 3am are starting to make it difficult to leave for another town but you try to make yourself think it will work.  you have to heal his broken heart and he'll come around in the process to wanting you more than a friend. or does he? sure, we'll tell our self. 

you move. to atlanta. the city of your dreams. you get on your myspace account and try to make friends. you make one and you guys have some fun. you work at a cool record company and meet famous people on the daily. your heart is still in middle georgia. is it worth it? you move home. 

the relationship is unhealthy. you slightly resent the idea of coming home for a guy. your brother flips his truck and your dad has a heart attack the day you are going to tell him you are pregnant. deferred. you and the relationship ended many times before. but now for good. you're at home, pregnant, and with one friend.

this isn't the life you signed up for. you cry yourself to sleep every night. then you find your dad cheating on your mom. at 8 months pregnant, he moves out. he has a girlfriend from myspace in another state. it makes your relationship with your mom so much closer. it gets ugly. he breaks into your house, steals your brother's truck, and ruins your belongings. he yells at you in the cul-de-sac in front of all of your neighbors. he yells "f- you and your bastard child".. while cleaning out your house. 

meanwhile, you have a great job, a great friend, and a healthy child on the way. you give birth. your dad breaks into the delivery room while you are unconscious. why did you even invite him to the birth after everything? because you have a heart.

the divorce becomes final. he moves halfway across the country. your son adores you. you ward off relationships for four years. you jump into online dating and actually have success with big c. you try your best to give your all. he starts to pull away and you FREAK out. daddy issues. once again. how dare someone push me away? the relationship ends. 

your hours at work have been cut to only work 12-15 hours. you struggle. you join online school to finish a degree.

you gain strength. you take a trip to clear your mind. and again, your son adores you.

sincerely, 

your 27-year-old self

ps dear 18 year old self- you will gain weight. you will weigh over 120 pounds. deal with it. life is too short to count carbs.

this is where i am today.

purging.

well, i did it. i purged. not the i'm-bulimic-and-i'm-making-myself-throw-up type of purge. no no. i did something so much harder: i cleaned out my car. we are taking my car to florida so it was time. it was past time. yes, a slushie luke drank a few weeks ago and spilled.. and didn't tell me about.. had congealed inside the cup holder. what used to be a red, cherry slushie was now an odd shade of green. hmm. maybe i shouldn't trust my 4-year-old to tell on himself? lesson learned.

i have put off purging because that would require throwing away some of the things from the relationship with big c. i had to do it though. it was time. baby steps. 

i threw away the map of the zoo from our trip. i threw away the envelopes with "m" on them for his last name that contained the shirts from our walk for abby. i didn't throw away the shirts, of course. i love abby too much. they're getting washed. 

i had to sift through the pictures, curtains, a cork board, and various other  things i collected for our move in july. obviously that isn't happening but i still like the things i bought so maybe one day they will be put to use. 

i finally cleared out all of the toys little dude took to big c's mom's house for that weekend. see? i didn't even unpack some bags from that era. oh well.

i won't say that i feel relieved. unfortunately, i relived all of the memories again but it is what it is. cleaning out the clutter from someone else. 

maybe one day i won't have to get rid of stuff from a failed relationship. 

maybe the next relationship won't have an end.

beach vacation 2009!

at the beginning of the summer in 2009, we visited the beach! panama city, of course. we had fun and luke (he was almost 2), learned to love the sand. building sand castles with kimmie and his cousin violet were a daily thing. he also enjoyed eating "ice cream" at a local store in pier park. he felt normal because this marked the first time that an ice creamery had sorbet as an option. he ate out of a cone for the first time as well! (he can still wear the swim suits from being one and those pants as well!)

in august, we made an impromptu visit to savannah with sarah. we ended up spending the night and the next day found ourselves on a little road trip to hilton head. (or myrtle beach?) i'll have to ask sarah. the atlantic ocean has nothing on the gulf. the gulf is so much nicer.

t-minus THREE DAYS!!!!!!

four year check-up

turning four is hard work. you get this loooong break from getting routine shots and then four comes along and makes up for those years you didn't have any.

that's just what we did today. little dude got four shots and one finger prick. can i tell you that he handled it like a champ?? i was SO proud. he didn't cry at all from the finger prick, in fact he thought it was kinda cool to see his blood fill up the little sample. this checked his hemoglobin; 11. he's normal!

he had to endure his first eye exam. i have to say, i was impressed. i wasn't sure what to expect seeing as he's never done something with that much instruction. he passed. he was able to tell the nurse what shapes he saw (star, moon, circle, etc). he also had a hearing test that i *think* he did well with. it is hard to tell with four year old's. they don't exactly understand the concept of raising your hand when you hear a sound. but, he reacted so i know he can hear. (even if he does pretend not to sometimes)

he got to pee in a cup. the only directions to follow were to NOT pee on mama's hands. he didn't, i was happy. he filled the whole cup up. haha.

it was finally time for the shots. poor guy thought this was just like getting his allergy shots in his arm. he didn't cry for all 40 of those but after he realized it wasn't going to be that type of shot, he got slightly anxious.  he sat in my lap and i held his hands. before actually inserting the vaccine into his leg,  he realized how large the needle was and started to cry. two quick shots into each leg, he was done. he did cry huge crocodile tears.. but that only last for a maximum of 2 minutes. i was so proud. he's such a trooper.

before we left our exam room, i told him there were other kids in the waiting room waiting for their shots. he told me he'd better stop crying so he doesn't scare them. he did just that and received a new ball and alligator for his prize from the doctor.

so, now we are all set for pre-k. i can't believe my little boy is going to ALL DAY school! what am i going to do??  i'm so proud of that kiddo.

so, here are his stats:

36 pounds (50th percentile) -- um, can i tell you how HARD we have worked to be over 30 pounds?? he has never been on the percentile chart because he has always been so underweight. it is such a shocker that he is average now! woo hoo lukie!
41 inches tall (50-75th percentile )-- he is so excited because this qualifies him to ride the BIG waterslides at the park next week!!

BEACH TRIP SOON! (pictures!)

i will be at this same ocean. in the exact same location. on saturday. YES.

these were taken in 2008; the first time luke visited the beach. 

he had just turned one. he hated it. more pictures tomorrow.

CUT TO NEXT SCENE!

sometimes parenting is overwhelming. there isn't a time when you can clap your hands and say "time out!" just a break, sometimes. especially as a single mom. i had a long day at work today. 

we are getting a new computer system this year which requires cleaning up the old program and profiles  (think: patients since 2002). we do this alphabetically  but it requires lots of time and patience. you take your personal time for granted before you have children. personal time is nonexistent with a four year old.

i try not to complain; i have an amazing mom who is pretty much another mother to my little dude. she allows me to sleep in sometimes. she takes care of him when i'm at work and she's off. so really, i have it good. it is like having a father or something? a partner. better than a husband, probably. sometimes i need to yell "cut!" and go to the next scene.

today for instance. i had that rough day at work. i picked my kiddo up from my cousin's house only to find out he has been in a "needy" mood today. ok, fine. i can handle needy. we proceeded to load up into the car where i asked what he'd like to eat for dinner. sushi. we are leaving for florida saturday. sushi isn't take out and i'm trying to save my pennies for fun days on vacation. 

of course, he doesn't understand this concept. he interprets this as me being mean and not doing what he wants. true, i shouldn't have even asked him what he wanted. my mistake. so, he proceeds to cry. i mean- LOUD, sobbing, life-is-ending, crying. are you kidding me? because of sushi?? so, chik-fi-la sounded good to me. he only cries louder. good.grief.someone.give.me.a.break. 

we finally get home. 30 minutes later, of course.  he stops crying and inhales his chicken nuggets.  it didn't stop there. it has been everything since. it is always something. the dogs tripped him. the toy he wants he can't find. he doesn't want to watch my show. mad that i have asked him three times to put his toys away. etc etc.

i know he's tired. hell, i'm tired too. i need patience. and understanding. i feel like i'm burning the candle at both ends (that is how the metaphor goes, right? i don't use them often).  luckily, i'm off tomorrow. oh-but we have six shots to get for pre-school.. yippee!!!!!!!!!

i wish i was a girl who had perfect hair, perfectly manicured nails/toes, and eyes without dark circles under them. the girl that promptly sends out thank you notes for the gifts last week. truthfully, i've never had hair without frizz or a manicure/pedicure in my life. i've tried hemorrhoid cream for those dark circles. it doesn't work!  but really, if i was that kind of girl.. i wouldn't be me. so,  i'll haphazardly proceed with my crazy life with a smile. (sometimes)

so, what do you ladies/gentlemen do to relax? i'm thinking i need a hobby or a friend or something. what do you recommend? 

ps- many nights lately i've found myself being the only one awake in the house watching jackass and laughing loudly. i'm SO sad about ryan dunn. his poor, poor family and friends. prayers to them.

a little this, a little that.

t-minus five days until i get to kick off my flip flops and put my feet in the sand. this trip is much needed. i can't wait to jump some waves and feel the burn of the salt in my eyes. i hope we have some good weather!  i often think i should move near a beach town because i'm happiest in florida. i've briefly looked into houses and apartments in different towns there. maybe once i graduate i'll be able to afford the move.  until then, i'll be landlocked in the good old war town.

i'm halfway through my first two classes at walden university. i feel like i'm actually getting something accomplished. the two a's i currently have help as well!  

this post has very little relevance. i'm just talking. i have a lot to say but i'm still trying to put those thoughts into words.  (of the big c variety. i know i know.)

also, i've been closely watching my stats and visitors. two complaints --

1. i'm averaging around 50-60 visitors a day but no followers.
2. no one leaves comments! comment! i get bored.

those things are trivial but i'm trying to understand what is  going on. i had 1500 people visit this month. i'd like to get to know you guys.

happy father's day.

dear mr. g,

there have been many moments in life i've ran to you for advice or support. i remember curling up in your lap and smelling the overpowering cologne smell on your chest. for whatever reason, that smell was a safe haven. it made me feel secure and taken care of. i knew you were around when i smelled it. it stayed behind an hour after you would leave the house. i haven't smelled your cologne in years.

as a mother, i don't know how i could ever bring myself to treat my child the way you have treated yours. the insults, accusations, and downright meanness is something i only hope i don't possess. it's unfortunate because on days like today (ie- fathers day), i still miss you. i know you shouldn't even warrant those emotions but i still feel them. i wonder where everything went wrong.

i don't think anything i have said or done should have provoked the blocking of my cell phone number. i can't even contact you anymore. do you even know what that does to me? i wonder if you even think about me most days.

you have a new life now, i understand that. i hope the void you couldn't fill in georgia has been filled there. i hope you are a better husband than you were to my mother. you have a wonderful grandson who doesn't have a living grandfather around. i wonder if you ever think of him? i know he didn't get a birthday present this year. you shouldn't ignore him simply because you have a hatred for me. he is innocent and did nothing.

remember when i got pregnant? you were the reason i decided to keep him. you were so excited for "it" to be a boy. you said you'd coach his baseball team. now look at you. you can't do that half a country away.

 you can pretend your life is great. it is everything you hoped for but i know that if you have any heart at all, you must be conflicted inside for what you have left behind. those grandchildren aren't your blood. those kids aren't your own. how can you walk away from a family you raised for 20+ years and act as though we never existed? it makes me so sad inside that you still talk to my brother when i was the only one for so long that would even answer your phone calls. what did i do to you? i caught you in your lies? i found those emails and calls to another woman? i'm sorry, sir. you can't ruin my family without a fight.

i am, however, thankful for the experiences you have given me. i'm thankful i learned at such an early age not to trust just anyone. even if it is your father. maybe you have made me a cynic; i'm sorry for that. you don't deserve that much impact on my life. and when you told me i wasn't capable of a loving relationship because i can't seem to treat people nicely, i wish i could tell you how much i loved a man. i loved him whole-heartedly this year. i'm sure you'd say he left me because i'm crazy. you have no idea. i treated him fairly. i felt proud of myself for letting someone in after all of the damage you caused. i may be damaged goods because of you but you will never get all of me. i am lovable and i promise not to ruin people the way you have.

happy fathers day (i mean that loosely)

r

lucid.

im sitting here at my granny's house because she can't be left alone.  she can't stop talking about big c and how she doesn't understand what happened. it is funny; she has Alzheimer's but she can remember big c and the two times she met him. it is funny the things the mind retains. everyone knows the big c subject is off limits but because my granny is lucid at the moment, i'm going to embrace it and listen to her advice. surprisingly, she has good advice. she was married for 50 years; she should i suppose.

some questions she is asking me as i type this: 

he seemed really nice and cared about you; what happened? i don't know, gran. he did care about us. he just needs some time because of his job.

well, doesn't he know he isn't going to find anyone who cares as much as you and a job is just a job? it is hard to find love. i'm astonished this came from her mouth. i didn't know the old gal had it in her. so i say: you are right, gran. but sometimes we  can't control what others want despite what we want.

do you think it is because you have a child? i'm not sure, to be honest. but he knew from day one that i had a son so i don't think that is an acceptable reason.

well, it isn't you, rachael. don't think there is something wrong with you. he'll realize what he missed out on. tears in my eyes at this point. you are right granny. (i'm so thankful for this conversation. it has been so long since i had a good conversation with her since the disease has taken over her personality.)

so, now i'll retreat to watching the tv with my granny. the andy griffith show, i course. i miss the old her. but for now, she's here and i'm going to embrace it.

DEAR LITTLE BOY,

dear beautiful little boy,

i'm not sure why God entrusted me with you but i'm so thankful he did. everyday i wake up and feel blessed to have your little fingers or toes touching my skin. your bright blue eyes and the longest eye lashes looking over at me ready to start a new day. what did i do to deserve something as precious as you? you look up to me like i have all of the answers to life's questions and while this is a daunting feeling, i still look at you in amazement that you are in my care. 

one day you are going to see that i'm only human like most everyone else. one day i'm not going to be the person who never lies to you and can answer every question or can kiss a boo boo make it feel immediately better. one day you're going to realize the childlike innocence has passed and this world isn't the greatest place. that santa doesn't exist. 

but i hope you know that no matter what, you are/and will always be my first priority. i hope that one day you look back and think of me as a strong woman rather than a lonely single mom. i hope i am able to provide both roles the best i know how.  i know you are only on loan from God and one day you'll have your own family; but for now, i'm so grateful to be the woman in your life. i'm so thankful you call us a "team". or that silly grin you get on your face when you're about to pounce on me.

you have taught me so much about myself and for that i can never thank you enough. you are my rock. you are my priority. i would do anything in my capacity to bring a smile to your face. i have learned the difference between dc comics and marvel. i will take you to the opening day of any super hero movie. i think it is incredible that you think that i'm your super hero.

thank you for trusting me. thank you for putting dateline on when i get home and i'm sad. that you for doing things you shouldn't ever have to do (ie- bring me a box of tissues when i cry). thank you for reassurance that we can still be a team of two when someone leaves our lives. thank you for innocent look on life and how you can't wait to get old so you can see grandpa in heaven again. oh, if life were so easy. 

everyone that knows me knows that i love you to the moon and back. i sure hope you know this as well. thank you for this wonderful year of being 3 and i can't wait to share number 4. 

i love you always sweet boy.

mama.

BIRTHDAY WEEK- YEAR IN PICTURES (PIC HEAVY)

'

this is what luke's year as a three year old has consisted of:

 we visited okaloosa island for the first time.

BIRTHDAY WEEK- PAST BIRTHDAYS

 

today i give you a recap of little dude's birthdays of years past.. the first birthday is below. and well, first. seeing these pictures are bittersweet. my grandpa was alive! luke was SO small. he was so underweight his first year. also, take note that his birthday party at our house is when we found out he was allergic to milk (specifically buttercream icing!). we had two parties: one on his actual birthday at our house with family and one at a nearby park building that we rented out for the mickey themed occasion! oh, i miss that wispy, thin hair. and the innocence. his wobbly gait.. he still hadn't gotten the hang out wearing shoes so notice he didn't wear any at either party!

 this is one of my all-time favorite pictures of L. 

he was a little over one month shy of his first birthday. 

i used this picture to make stamps for his 1st birthday invites.

BIRTHDAY WEEK- TOY TRIP.CAKE ORDERING

i am usually off on wednesdays. since this IS birthday week after all, i decided we cash in L's $3 off coupon card he received from geoffrey the giraffe. i signed him up for the toys r us birthday club last year so getting this card in the mail with his name on it was major. i mean, he thought he was the coolest kid in america.

our first stop was ordering the cake. about a month ago, he decided he wanted a green lantern party. of course, publix didn't have that cake design just yet as the movie isn't even out. so, i suggested the generic cake and we could put some of his action figures on it. of course this wasn't ok. he promptly picked out a batman cake. yay but hey, it's his birthday. we've had to alter the green lantern plans and now we're going for another all-super-heros-goes theme. (just like last year)

after publix, it was high time for the toy store. pretty sure he couldn't control his excitement in the back seat. you'd think the kid doesn't have toys ... except, he has so many- everyone who comes to our house is amazed.

I have pictures but both of my editing programs are getting me crap right now... will post asap. still not ok, but here we go.

he chose a batman: brave and the bold three figurine pack. he's funny. their capes must be real fabric in order for him to want it. silly boy.  anyway, toys r us made a big deal out of his birthday. they yelled it as well as gave him the above crown and balloon. woo hoo!

he had a good day. last picture i believe he said "ok mama, no more pictures."

L'S B-DAY WEEK: BIRTH STORY PART 3.

 

i was put to sleep for an emergency c-section. during the haste, i didn't mind this option. whatever it took to produce a healthy, crying baby. 

BIRTHDAY WEEK PART DOS.

 

it was around 10am. my water broke while being checked. the pain was incredible. i couldn't focus on anything other than the waves of nonstop contractions coming over me. i went from zero to ten on a pain scale in the matter of minutes. my mom was standing beside me: partly containing her excitement, partly trying to console me while in immeasurable pain. she offered her hand. i was sent into my own room at this point. i was wheeled in the wheel chair as i couldn't walk. the contractions were on top of each other.

L'S B-DAY WEEK: BIRTH STORY PART 1.

fam

my first and only born will be FOUR this coming saturday! since he may be my only kiddo, i'm dedicating this WHOLE week to my little munchkin. today, i want to share the beginning of the birth story from his OG birthday in 2007. (warning, it is a birth story. poop and other things will be involved)

enjoy the chaos.

i love the days i get when it's just luke and i. we are quite the pair. he is definitely my son. so, without further ado, this is what our day consisted of:

i cooked pancakes.

i think they were a hit.

then we built a fort out of two chairs and an old comforter from the 80's.

little dude added a chair to watch tv while relaxing in his digs.

it rained for 2 seconds yesterday which produced
 the mushroom patch in our front yard.

luke only recently saw his first mushroom last week so this was a treat for him.

of course, we annihilated them. 

yes, he is sporting his star wars underwear in the front yard.

we are in georgia, afterall!

ps. everyone should get death cab for cutie's new album, code and keys. it isn't anything like transatlanticism but most things aren't. there are still a few good songs on it and it sure has helped me define my feelings as of late.

how is everyone's weekend going?

the sun is shining!

i woke up in a good mood today. maybe because it was friday, maybe because my son is the funniest person alive, i don't know. i just know there was enough sunlight peeping through my window and the smile on my face was there. it didn't stop the rest of the day. how nice.

i woke up to a little 3 year old but basically 4 year old saying this:

L- mommy, can you get me some lucky charms?

me- sure, give me two minutes when my alarm goes off.

L- ok.

... 15 seconds..

L- (makes this noise)briiiiinnnngg brrriiinnnnggg briiiiinnnng. mommy. i think your alarm went off.

i guess you had to be there. he is so hilarious.

since i was in a good mood, i decided to  do my make up today and apply eyeliner. (WHAT!) i know. it has been a month. i even wore a shirt that fits and makes me look like i have a body. score! why not show off the 6 pounds i've lost this month? yes!

and so.

• boy meets girl. girl falls in love. boy doesn't.
• this is not a love story. this is a story about love.

most days of the year are unremarkable. they begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. most days have no impact on the course of a life.

i can tell you the first time i saw his face.  i knew he was different. a special person to me. i had never met anyone like him. he was  genuinely a good person. i knew one day i'd make him mine and i wouldn't want to look back.  his white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. his khaki pants. it was chilly night. i didn't think i had ever dated someone who wore khaki pants. i liked that he was different. i was ready to find out more about him. i wanted to know everything. you know when you just have that instant connection? i thought he felt it too. i made sure to wear my form-fitting skinny jeans. after all, i wanted to impress him.

the conversation at dinner flowed perfectly. it was the fastest meal i can remember. i didn't want it to end. i remember feeling a twinge of sadness for the woman at the table next to us. she as alone. eating alone at a restaurant. for the first time, i was in the company of someone who 'got' me.  we left, he changed my headlights in the cold parking lot. the literal headlights, of course. never had i had a blown headlight. he jumped right in in that white shirt. i didn't want to leave and i hinted that i might want him to go with me to the store. he didn't get the hint. that's ok, there were plenty more times to meet. 

he seemed interested. he listened to what i said. he was apologetic and honest. he was loyal way before he ever had to be. i knew i was in the presence of someone real. someone i could be with. 'the one'. maybe. just hours before that meeting, i was a cynical and bitter girl. he changed that for me.

 i only wish that i had known may 8th would be the last day i'd see him. it was such a good day. full of sarcasm, appreciation, and fun. we got each other. if i had known i'd never see him again, i would have made that day even more special. i would have savored it longer. i would have smelled him in so i wouldn't forget. 

these days i can't seem to remember his face. only glimpses when i think of the times we had together. his face on those rides at the cherry blossom festival with L. he had so much fun. he was protective of my child. we were his priority that day. or when we were sweating profusely at rose hill. with death around us, i had never felt so alive.  luke was growing comfortable. splashing in the creek at the park. he sat beside as we watched my crazy child in only his underwear running through the water. at the zoo. only a week before it was over. i enjoyed watching him take pictures. to see him do what he is passionate about made me happy. to catch that picture of the reclusive tiger meant the world. he dealt with luke's tired-induced tantrum with ease. when we parted at his mom's house that night, that hug i will remember. after spending the whole weekend together, it was so hard to let go. 

what is so bad is all i have left are memories. i didn't want to let go then, i didn't want to let go now.

sober.

i wish i could say i can't live without you, but we truly weren't there yet.

ouch. i have this text message saved in my phone everytime i think he'll come back. it is sobering to say the least.

in other news, i have something fun planned the next three weeks for the blog. i promise that next week will be big c-free. no heart ache talk. think: lots of pictures. AND i'm averaging 70 visitors a day now! leave me a comment, i'll visit your site as well!

party like it's your birthday.

if i know you, i'll email you the real thing.

xo

the breakup before last. EDITED

BABY DADDY and i dated on and off for around five years ONE, TWO, THREE, FIFTEEN, AH, WHATEVER. HOWEVER MANY YEARS. when i found out i was pregnant, that sealed the deal for him that we would no longer be together. BUT WE WEREN'T TITLED "BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND" AT THE TIME OF CONCEPTION BUT STILL TALKED EVERYDAY OR SAW EACH OTHER EVERYDAY. at the time, i was devastated. i lost my best friend as well as my future son's father. i cried myself to sleep more times than not in those nine months. i wasn't used to sleeping alone at that point nor was i was used to not getting a "goodnight" call from him. everything ended. 

i suppose the saying is true:  a girl becomes a mother when she is pregnant, a man becomes a dad when the baby arrives.. or sometimes later.. or never. sd was scared. he ran from me as fast as he could. at the time, i was angry and hurt that he would do such a thing. now i have a better understanding.

the point is, when we broke up,  i could focus on the bad as well as the good. i can't do that with big c. there was nothing wrong. when i say we never fought, we really didn't. with BABY DADDY, it was such an unhealthy relationship. it began as he was nursing a heartbreak and i was just lonely.  i thought i could make him better. make him better for me. when our ideals, ethics, personalities, and everything else clashed, it was torture for both of us most of the time. we held on for as long as we could but it was just toxic in the end. 

initially, it was hard to comprehend being a single mom. i had so many concerns and questions. after all, i was raised by both parents. their relationship was nothing i wanted to model mine with my son around but hey, there were two warm bodies around most of the time.  in the end, the second luke came out, i had a newfound confidence. nothing else mattered. the world around me became blurry and in that moment, all that i wanted was my son and i to live a happy, healthy life. and truly, so far we have.

anyone else seen the movie the waitress? that scene when she gave birth is exactly how it was for me! thoughts?

an open letter.

an open letter.

i still feel you on the right side of the bed
and i still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
but i'm gonna wash away,
i'm gonna wash away everything til you come home to me

maybe in the future, you're gonna come back,
 you're gonna come back around
the only way to really know is to really let it go








 ....

june wishlist.

since i'm going on vacation soon, i've been browsing the stores and the internet for some cute dresses. unfortunately, the stores i've been going to have had nothing i'd be interested in. so here's a run down of things i'm adding to my wishlist.

i love this necklace. plus, it called "the world is your oyster". fitting!

this dress is amazing. there are only three left 

so i don't think i'll be getting it but how cute would that be!? 

and i bet it would feel amazing on the hot beach.

 

i actually bought this one. i can't wait to wear it. 

 

plus. i got new shoes. nothing like retail 

and lastly.

 

it isn't anything to wear but holy crap.

why did it take someone so long to market 

watermelon juice? genius!